Say you have a nemesis. You bring doughnuts to work in the morning, he brings hookers. You get a really keen new shirt, he brings hookers. He's constantly in your face, obnoxious and smarmy and smug and Luke McKinney. He's Luke McKinney. "Look at me, I fuckin' know everything. Felix has his shoes on his hands again, everyone! Let's laugh." Fuck.
Anyway, say you have a nemesis. We all do. Every so often, you and your foe may clash, and words will be exchanged. Maybe even blows. Not the sex kind, but that does happen in movies. Please note: I never sexed McKinney. Generally, though, such feuds are fairly pedestrian and come together in predictable ways. But sometimes a small fight takes it to the next level in a way that is extremely disproportionate to the initial conflict. And then I read about them and chuckle and share the story with you. With you, not Luke McKinney.
#7. Toxic Gas-Mart
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Walmart has a bit of a reputation for being ... let's say, unseemly. Uncouth. A rancid shithole of squalor. This image is engendered by both its patrons and its corporate culture, where both seem to be borne from lizard stock, just different castes. The lizard people have a caste system, look it up.
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He is the lizard king.
Given the images Walmart brings to mind, the idea that a fight might break out at a Walmart is hardly newsworthy. It's to be expected. In fact, I think someone died at Walmart once on Black Friday as a result of a good old-fashioned trampling. Suffice it to say, it lives up to its reputation. So what would make a Walmart fight newsworthy? Toxicity.
In a fight to make Bill Nye proud, two ghetto gargantuans squared off in the cleaning aisle and chose their weapons. One bleach, the other ammonia. If you know basic chemistry, you see where this went, as the ensuing chemical kerfuffle created chloramine vapors. Also hydrochloric acid and assorted other chemical treats you don't want to breathe in or get on your skin. This is why you never pee into a bottle of bleach, by the way. And you thought the only dangerous gasses in Walmart were natural.
Baltimore County Police Dept
She was "punished" by never being allowed to set foot in Walmart again.
#6. Surf City Skirmish
Have you ever heard of the U.S. Open of Surfing? It's apparently not the movie Point Break. That's all I know about surfing and (maybe I'm taking a risk by saying this) all I ever need to know about surfing. But for those who went beyond Point Break, there's a place they call Surf City. It's actually Huntington Beach, but that tells you nothing about the metropolitan state of surfing there and uses no alliteration, so it is therefore shit on a shingle in terms of names.
This year, as thousands of guys named Bodhi and white girls with cornrows gathered to watch some surfing, a fight broke out on the beach, presumably because someone wafted an air biscuit toward someone else's wahini. Oh shit, son, I just slang bombed you. When the dust settled, the exact opposite thing happened, by which I mean the dust never settled. Instead, the fight turned into a riot, and a mob of people traveled away from the beach like a real-life Tasmanian Devil cartoon, just swarming across and destroying things as it traveled.
The eye of the douchicane.
The crowd of surf aficionados tore down street signs, looted shops, and played bongos when no one asked them to. More than 100 cops had to be called in to shoot rubber bullets as the crowd continued on, smashing car windows and flipping portable toilets. If you've never been in a portable toilet when it was flipped over, let me assure you it's not an experience you need in order to live a full and rich life. It's a lot like you'd imagine, suddenly being gripped by panic as the shit of a million lost souls tries to hug your face.
#5. Low Volume, High Blood Loss
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You know what really grinds my gears? TV volume. My TV exists in some kind of schizophrenic sound spasm where any unpredictable hoot or chirp can rise up among a sea of low-key muttering and growling at any moment. One minute House is barely audible as he explains how his patient has cardiocrotchcrab sclerosis, and then a Vagisil commercial comes screaming into my room to let me know that my cruddy vagina is ruining my neighbor's property values, maybe I should jam an ovule in there.
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"Maybe I should do something about that not-so-fresh feeling ..."
Like me, Robert Wilson had volume issues at his place. Unlike me, Wilson was fuck nuts crazy and didn't know the remote control has a button to manage this terrible sound burden. He got into an argument with his roommate over the volume and, like all good arguments about a thing that is totally and epically insignificant, felt that his point would be better proved by something that actually has a point. So he went to the kitchen, got a knife, and returned to stab his roommate in the face and stomach, those being the two places where high volume is most appreciated.
#4. American Idol I Cut You
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I've seen two episodes of American Idol in my life, so it's entirely possible that the show is super fantastic awesome and I'm writing this from a place of ignorance. One of the episodes I saw was from this last season with Nicki Minaj because, and I'll be honest about this, I've Googled her butt before. I did. I just wanted to see what the fuss was about because I like butts. So I looked at hers and it was A-OK. However, she's behind a desk on America Idol, so all I could do was listen to her give criticism to musical abominations and it really didn't pop my cork.
Two fans who are asses, as opposed to fans of asses, were also watching this season, maybe even the episode I watched, who's to know? Anyway, this couple was watching and became impassioned as they discussed their favorite crooners. Can I call them crooners? It seems nicer than calling them "ponies that the FOX network will ride into the ground and then leave at the state fair, which is the only place you'll ever see them perform." Did you know last year's winner is performing on a Duck Dynasty cruise? Yes you did.
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I Googled "Nicki Minaj butt hugging a goblin" and got this.
During the course of their argument over who should win, it became imperative that a knife be used to further argue the point, and both people were stabbed. It's worth noting that they were stabbed by the same knife, which is to say that one of them went and got the knife, stabbed the other, and then put it down. The stabbing victim then retrieved the knife and stabbed the stabber. Both claimed the other stabbed first. And in the end no one cared who won and I never saw Nicki Minaj's boomshakalaka.