7 Real Suits That Will Soon Make the World A Cooler Place

The Dolce & Gabbana Steel Grey Pinstriped Suit

It doesn't feature any new technology or fly or anything, it's just a nice goddamn suit. I think that I could really win over a crowd in one of these. Picture for a moment, me coming at you in this pants/blazer combo, probably somewhere classy like Italy or in a really expensive seafood restaurant. You would think, "Oh no, that guy is disrupting my understanding of handsomeness, he is transforming beauty into something destructive and terrifying. I would look away but my eyes don't belong to me anymore, they belong to him now, only him." Looking at this suit on the right frame is like looking into a big, gorgeous, pinstriped sun, and I want it so it goes on the list.

The XscapeSafe Suit

Right up there with getting trapped under ice or sucked into space, burning alive is one of my least favorite ways to picture dying. Thankfully, Kennis Sigmon invented a suit that can afford me at least three seconds of reprieve before a blazing inferno engulfs me. The XscapeSafe suit is a one-piece in a bag that can withstand temperatures of up to 3,000 degrees for short amounts of time. Assuming the wearer needs to sprint through flames, then the suit can certainly save lives.

Seems common.

The one downfall is that the process of getting it on seems time-consuming, especially considering that you're burning precious seconds better spent crawling to safety. Once I own the XscapeSafe suit, I intend to wear it under my everyday clothes in anticipation of electrical and grease fires. I'm looking for an opportunity both to demonstrate my heroism by pulling people to safety, but also to get a legitimate shot at fulfilling a lifelong dream of punching out a fire.

The Cyber Sex Suit

One of the primary reasons men buy, own and wear suits is to look presentable enough to convince women to have sex. Vivid Entertainment saw this elaborate mating ritual and said, "what if you could just have sex with your suit instead?"

"OK," answered mankind and the cyber sex suit was born. Vivid built the suit in 1999 out of neoprene and electro-stimulation pads connected to a computer program that controlled which areas were stimulated. If it's not already clear for anyone who's never had physical therapy, the stimulation came in the form electrical surges to the erogenous zones. As seductive as getting shocked in the genitals may sound, the sex suit didn't last on the market for more than a year. Unfortunately, the technology was prone to freezing and Vivid spent very little time on the visual appearance of the product; it was tough to convince people to climb into a wetsuit with cords running into a wall socket and ask them to feel turned on.

"Before you get started, we'd like you to put on this fire suit."

Still, technology has come a long way since the sex suit was discontinued in 2000, and I am holding out hope that the idea was just before its time. I'm adding this suit to the collection for what it has the potential to be and for its pioneering spirit. Also, I take a lot of road trips and I'm hoping there's some kind of car adaptor.

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Soren Bowie

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