7 Phrases That Are Great Signs It's Time to Stop Talking

#3. "Yes, I'm a Female Gamer, Believe It or Not"

You can substitute almost anything for "gamer," except "man," maybe, because you have to admit that would actually be inherently surprising. In this day and age, millions of girls play games, half the population of the Internet is female and we've been riveting things since the 1940s, so it's a little outdated to burst into anywhere and reassure people that their eyes are not lying to them, they are in fact seeing a woman in this masculine environment. Female CEOs and oil rig workers may be very rare, but people are aware they can exist and aren't going to do a cartoon double-take upon seeing one.

"Oh no, my house was designed by a FEMALE ARCHITECT!"

Most of the time when you see/hear this phrase, it's in response to a question that isn't being asked. It appears in people's signatures, taglines, profiles and other places where it's theoretically the first introduction you have to a person. It's like being introduced to someone at a social function and having them shout, "Damn right I'm female! No need to adjust your glasses!" before you have even said hi.

It can be a little insulting that they assume everyone they run into is going to have that question in their heads -- "Can it really be a woman I am seeing?" -- but OK, let's say they're in a particularly sheltered environment full of males and that question actually comes up a lot. The trouble is that they rarely stop at answering this first unasked question and usually come up with an entire imaginary interview you are giving them, which they are happy to provide anticipated answers for.

Sure, maybe some people have asked them some of these questions, but I find it hard to imagine someone asking, "Will you put up with my pervertedness?"

Also, I don't know if this applies to other games, but in my time in World of Warcraft, I noticed that anyone who goes out of their way to introduce themselves with "Yeah, I'm a girl, believe it or not!" is a terrible player. I'm not saying girls are terrible players, I'm saying girls whose first statement upon meeting anyone is "I'm a girl! Hold on to your monocle!" is terrible. And if someone brings it up as their first statement, it is inevitable they will bring it up many, many times in the future, including sometimes as an excuse when they get everyone killed ("lol I guess my boobs got in the way!").

Here's a good example of someone who appears to be terrible at Skyrim, somehow.

And the response:

There's nothing more deflating to one of these types than a female in the same field who is actually good at it.

#2. "Fwd: FW: FW: ..."

If you get an email whose subject line starts with five or more variations of "FW:" it's pretty safe to put that right in the trash, the only danger being your mom getting mad at you later for not replying to her important email about pomegranate juice curing cancer or something.

This was, of course, a hoax.

Email forwards once were the hot way of spreading things around virally but are now pretty much obsolete among anyone under age 40. Now Twitter and Facebook and message boards are the way most Internet users get linked to funny pictures of cats and shocking news stories, leaving email forwards with precious little to do. An email forward is almost guaranteed to contain (1) A hoax, (2) a virus or (3) a trite inspirational story with a lot of capital letters, probably.

A scan of email-forward hoaxes reveals a bunch of subjects that mostly moms would be interested in, like how lemons can cure cancer, fake Amber Alerts and fake charities for sick children.

That last one sounds exciting, but actually links to this slightly creepy personalized tampon ad thing, after several lines of talking about how amazing it is. Basically, the more excited moms are about passing this along (the number of "FW:"s), the less worthwhile to you it is going to be.

On the other hand, I guess you could read them to get some insight into the mom mind and craft some strategic emails your mom is certain to take seriously.

#1. "Phbbbbbbbttt-pt-pt-ptt"

If you hear this from anyone, it is probably a fart, and you should clear the area.

For more from Christina, check out 5 Topics Guaranteed to Elicit (Condescending) Advice and 5 Reasons Women Are As Shallow As Men (According to Science).

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Christina H

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