#3. People In A Hurry To Be Slow
This applies equally to cars and pedestrians. The path or road is crowded; everyone's got somewhere to go; you're busting a move, but someone else is busting more. Maybe they're in a bigger rush. Maybe they're late for some emergency. So they pull up in front of you and you think, "OK. Well played, good sir. You earned that location." And then suddenly, they wilt. They lose all determination. They creep back down to a crawl or putter along under the speed limit.
It turns out they were only in a hurry to be in front of you. Pretty infuriating. You want to scream, "Hey, if you hadn't jumped in front of me, I'd be 50 yards in front of you by now. You'd be doing the same thing you're doing now except I wouldn't be stuck behind you." Of course, you can't actually say that without sounding like a crazy person so the more obvious solution is to murder them.
"I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. Why are you still in front of me? I just said, 'I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.'"
Gunshot to head. (Anti-climatic, I know, but, seriously, I can't be bothered with these guys.)
#2. Dudes Who Grab Only Your Fingers When Shaking Hands
Guys do this thing where they have to prove how manly and assertive they are by the strength of their handshake grip. Annoying yes, but this entry is not about the guy who tries to crush your hand with his alpha-male grip. No doubt that's lame, but punishable by death? Come now, surely I'm not that hateful. What could have given you that idea? No, no, no. I just want to kill the guys who cheat at handshakes by grabbing your fingers. Y'know, so that your palms don't touch. They reach and squeeze the bejesus out of your four fingers while you're deprived of any gripping ability. Your thumb flails around in space while theirs crushes down on your forefinger. There's just no coming back from that.
Appropriate Death Penalty
Offenders are asked to traverse monkey bars above a lake of fire. Each rung, however, is increasingly greased with pork lard. About halfway across, when the rungs are just ungraspable, the offender can maintain safety only by sticking his arm into a bear trap. Should the bear trap actually save the offender (as opposed to just shearing off the arm and dropping him into the fiery lake) we then release the ravenous genetically-engineered pterodactyls.
Just a prototype, but I'm totes serious about this.
#1. People Who Don't Say Thank You When You Hold A Door Open
This entry is a little different from the others, and in a way it is simultaneously the least offensive and most egregious one on the list. Look, you're supposed to be kind and courteous. That's just the deal. You don't deserve a medal. I get it, but at the same time, when I go out of my way to hold a door open for someone, and they don't say thank you, I go a little nuts. Hell, you don't even really have to say thank you. Just like nod and grumble something. That's fine. But when you take a door that's being held open for you and walk through without even noticing who's done you a tiny favor, you magically transform someone's act of kindness into an act of servitude. Not only are you not saying thank you, you're saying "Hmm, very well, piss boy you may allow me to enter." Without saying a word you're discouraging future acts of kindness. That is why, without a hint of hyperbole, humanity demands that I concoct a bizarre death for you.
Appropriate Death Penalty
Construct a hallway of 10 doors. Fit each door with a silence-activated poison dart gun. Have the offender follow a helpful robot through the hallway. Each time an opened door is followed by a "thank you" or similar noise, the poison dart will NOT be shot. If the offender makes it through all ten doors he will reach the "freedom pavilion" The freedom pavilion is activated to fill with piranha-infested waters upon the utterance of ten "thank yous."
"Was that 9 'thank yous' and one 'thanks'? Ah, close enough."
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Thank you to Louise Davidson for the door-holding suggestion.
For more from Gladstone, check out 5 Things That Are Totally Unrelated to Hot, Hot Lesbian Sex and 4 Recent Films That Are Accidentally Sequels to 80s Movies.