Like all well-adjusted individuals, I find myself wishing death upon people nearly constantly. And not people who deserve it like Genghis Khan or Jeffrey Dahmer (mostly because they're already dead) but people who just get under my skin. This raises several questions: Is wishing death justified? Is it productive? And what the hell is wrong with me? To these questions I reply, "Hey, what's with the third degree, buddy? Watch it or I'll wish death on nosy peeps like you."
But you're probably right. Wishing death is mean-spirited and juvenile. Fortunately, those are two characteristics I really rely on for generating Internet content, so here are seven people who deserve to die for seemingly minor offenses and my suggested methods of capital punishment:
#7. People Who Take Forever to Order at McDonald's
I try not to eat fast food too frequently. After all, once you're over 30 those Calvin Klein underwear modeling gigs are harder to come by, and I want to look my best. But if I'm in a McDonald's, odds are I'm in a rush. And the good people at McDonald's appreciate that. That's why they only make about ten things and even package them in numbered meals with brightly displayed pictures over the cashiers. You can be incredibly high and incoherent and still successfully stumble into Mickey D's, utter "Number 1," and get fed in less than three minutes. Feeding morons cheaply and quickly is what they do. That would even be their slogan if it didn't do so poorly in focus groups.
$5.54 and three minutes is all you need for poison, dummy!
Yet, despite the cheap and easy menu, I'm often behind someone who is hell-bent on cranking every mathematical permutation between buying dollar menu items a-la-carte and purchasing a value meal. And these people are usually bad at math. Now I get that some McDonald's customers might not have unlimited funds, and they're trying to get the most bang for their buck, but there comes a limit. I know what it's like to have so little money in your checking account that the bank won't let you withdraw it. I know what it's like to then go to McDonald's to rely on the ATM swipe, knowing you'll get fed due to the checking account's overdraft protection. But I do not know what its like to stand in front of a cashier for three minutes adding up a pie, burger and soda while comparing it to a value meal. McDonald's is one of the biggest corporations in the world. Do you really think you're gonna come up with some mathematical purchasing equation they haven't already priced to your detriment?
Not commensurate riddles.
The offender is given three minutes to solve an algebra problem before the bomb strapped to their head explodes. Also, regardless of answer, the bomb explodes.
#6. People Who Create Gaps In Lines
Ever been in a long line behind someone who feels the need to create a three to five foot buffer between themselves and the people in front of them? No one likes waiting in long lines. It's a drag. And yes, it's kind of sad how we get excited when the line advances a few inches, and then we step up a few inches. But, y'know what? That's how lines work, and it is absolutely unacceptable not to move up when the people in front of you do. I know you think you're sending a message that you're some bold individual too unique and brilliant to do exactly what every other member of the line is doing, but that's not the message we're hearing. What we're hearing is, "Look at meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I'm so cooooooooool. Does it bother you when I don't move up? Oh, you silly line person. I pity you. I'm free from the dictates of the line!" And we hate you for it. We hate you so much. You have no idea. Actually, you might have some idea. You see the distance between you and the person in front of you? If inches were buckets of acidic hate, that's how much.
For some reason my search for "the worst person alive" did not return an appropriate search result.
Place offenders in a line up above molten lava. If the offender does not advance appropriately, the floor drops out beneath them. However, after ten minutes of avoiding death by advancing appropriately, the offender is beaten to death with rocks.
#5. People Not From Jamaica Who Sing With Jamaican Accents In Reggae Bands
Look, I like reggae as much as the next guy. (Unless the next guy is a dirty hippie who likes reggae then I don't really like reggae at all.) In any event, you might be surprised to learn that not every single dude in a reggae band is Jamaican. Did you know that? I know it might be hard to believe with all those happy Jamaican inflections that taint all the vocal phrasings, but it's true! Bob Marley and Peter Tosh? Yes, Jamaican. That dude in the college band that plays at Sigma Pi? He's from New Jersey. But he has dreads you say! True, but his name is Leonard Appplebaum and he's white.
Actually, this is hairstyle on a white guy can be sufficient grounds for death regardless of accent.
There is no law that reggae has to be sung with a Jamaican accent. Look at UB40. (Just look, don't listen because, y'know, they suck.) But yeah, singing reggae in a fake Jamaican accent is as absurd as being from California and singing like you're some punk rock Brit, and no one would be douchey enough to do that.
Oops. (Looks like I'm getting more Green Day hate mail.)
Death by pot brownies laced with arsenic. Or after getting high, leaving offenders in a room with chocolate chip cookies laced with arsenic. Or just telling the offender they can get high by smoking arsenic and letting the rest take care of itself.
I hear it's got a killer buzz, dude.
#4. People Who Steal All The Cheese By Grabbing One Carefully Selected Nacho or French Fry
Cheese fries and Nachos. Two delicious treats that thrive on the theory that if you pile up a bunch of starchy carbs and drizzle it with cheese, people will eat it. Not really a theory. More of a maxim because people will eat anything drizzled in cheese. Now as anyone who's ingested these treats knows, perfect cheese distribution is nearly impossible. Some chips and fries will get a lion share while others will be deprived of the precious dairy and that's not really anyone's fault. I suppose the chefs could build these concoctions in layers, ensuring a more egalitarian cheese-distribution, but that's a lot to ask. It's just something we accept.
But some people (some reprehensible, awful people) take advantage of this situation. They grab the chip or fry with extra cheese. Even that's forgivable. There are probably whole bunches with extra cheese so when you're sharing everyone can get a good one, right? I'm talking about something far worse. I'm talking about people who snag the nacho or fry that is strategically tied to every other fry or nacho on the top layer. With one selfish surgical strike you can convert those cheese-drizzled nachos or fries into plain old dry chips and fries, stealing all the deliciousness for yourself. An offense punishable by death.
Appropriate Death Penalty
Covering offender in cheese and feeding to tigers. Cheese optional.
Cheese totally optional.