#3. The Staple Gun
I almost regret that I wasn't more frightened by all of this, because some of the displays in the Blackout Haunted House are insanely well-done and should rightfully scare the life out of anyone. What happens after you meet the rapist is a great example of that.
That rape scene feels like a show closer. It's the kind of image that you can absolutely imagine would be the last thing you'd see as part of a spectacle like this. So when it's over and you're calmly told to wait in a well-lit hallway underneath an exit sign by a man who assures you he'll be back in one second, the natural inclination is to think that you've reached the end of your journey. Surely that staple gun sitting on the floor between you and the exit is a non-issue. Just construction materials left there by some inattentive laborer earlier in the day. Right? Right?!?!?!
Wrong. After a few seconds of standing there, a person who may or may not be the same man who asked you to wait (Soren says it's not, I say it is) comes in through a different entrance. He's dressed like an usher at a movie theater. He looks like an employee. Skinny, balding, wearing glasses, mid-to-late 40s ... and he won't stop staring at you. It soon becomes evident that he is not here to lead you back out into the relative safety of downtown Los Angeles.
The zombies barely move!
You realize this when he picks up that staple gun and starts caressing it. He goes through all of the expected motions that would indicate you're about to be shot with a stapler and then does something unexpected. He puts the stapler in your hand, presses his hand against the business area and tells you to squeeze.
Is this something that people have to be talked into? I'm not sure. Is the fear that this place brings on so paralyzing that some people have to be convinced to squeeze the trigger on this very obviously unloaded staple gun (R.I.P. Brandon Lee)? I'm sure that's often the case. As for me, I don't think he even got all of the word "squeeze" out before I let one rip.
At some point during this exchange, the crazy usher takes the staple gun back from you and starts screaming in pain and anger. He then pretends to staple you repeatedly in the chest while pushing you out of the room and into ...
#2. The Vomitorium
Fine, that's just my name for it. And you're actually just pushed out into another hallway. There's a bathroom door in front of you. Also in front of you ... the rapist. He's back, and he wants you to go to the bathroom with him. You do, of course, and he proceeds to head into a bathroom stall and vomit. Can you guess where this is headed?
If your guess was "into a bathroom stall to retrieve a set of keys from a vomit-filled toilet bowl," then your guess was 100 percent correct and disturbingly specific. Well done.
No matter how calm you are, reaching into that toilet is bad times. Whatever is in there definitely looks like vomit. The texture is more like coffee grounds and, well, vomit. It just feels gross, but thankfully, the keys are easy to find. For some reason, Soren was treated to the additional step of being forced to rinse the keys off in a urinal before moving on. I was lucky and just got to carry mine while they were dripping with pretend vomit the whole time.
Anyway, during this whole ordeal, the rapist is babbling nonsense about how you need to save someone. He escorts you out of the room and into another. And that's where you win the perversion lottery.
#1. The Escape
So now you've got a set of keys. What the hell is that all about? A completely naked and screaming woman chained to the floor is what that's about. I think there were more shoes, too. It's literally just now dawning on me that I was probably supposed to be looking for my shoe during all of this. It probably would have added to the drama. The line of shoes that greeted me when I finally got out tell me that I wasn't the only one who didn't bother. Motherfuckers aren't keeping our shoes. We'd Judge Judy the shit out of that place. I was nervous about a lot of things in there; having my personal belongings commandeered was not one of them.
And this is exactly what I'm talking about. I've just told you that a completely naked woman is chained to the floor and then spent the next hundred words or so picking apart the terror planning at this haunted house. Jaded Internet writers, man.
Anyway, yeah, there's a woman chained to the floor. Seems like a good place to try out those keys. The first key I tried was too big for the lock. The woman is screaming the entire time about how "He's coming back!" and then suggests that I look for a different key. I take this to mean that there are more keys scattered around the room because, man, that would have been pretty nerve-wracking, right? So I dropped the set of keys I was holding and started to feel around for more keys. That's when the harsh reality that I was basically on a porn set came crashing back down on me as the "kidnapping victim" chained to the ground stopped my search before it could even begin by screaming "The other key would have to be on the same ring!"
Oh, word? Did the man who chained you to the floor tell you that?
Again, the burden of superhero-like observational skills wins the day. I doubt that this nit-picky shit matters to your average well-terrified patron. It's just my nature to complain, even when I'm being treated to the equivalent of a horror movie couch dance.
So about that. After you unchain the woman, she grabs your hand and you run around like beheaded chickens looking for an exit. It's at this point in the story that I've gotten the same question from a few different sources. When I saw that there was a naked woman there, did I stop for a bit and take in the scenery? When we were running for an exit, did I make sure to get a good look at her ass? Was it hard to run with a throbbing erection?
Surprisingly, the answer is no. If there's a single person I remember the least from that whole ordeal, it's Princess Peach at the end. Don't get me wrong, I'm not some kind of weirdo who doesn't enjoy looking at beautiful women. I just enjoy not having people shrieking in my ear even more. Call those priorities out of line all you want, but I'll take "her shutting up about some guy who's coming back" over "getting a glance at her vag" any day.
After running around for a bit, you finally come face-to-face with the same jerkstore who walked you into the place, this time asking if you "touched that chick" and saying that "you're a part of this now." It felt unbelievably corny. Soren thinks they were trying to make it seem like you had maybe broken the rules and possibly the law by touching that woman on the way out. Or something like that? I dunno, but I looked like this when I walked out.
While I didn't find the Blackout Haunted House all that terrifying, I can absolutely see how it would freak a person out. Thankfully, I'm not that person.
For more from Adam, check out The 7 Most Bizarre Celebrity Blogs and 6 Terrifying Reasons You Shouldn't Smoke Synthetic Weed.