Cracked Columnists

7 Halloween Costumes That Never Look as Cool as You Think

#3. Cross Dressing

Why people do it ...

As simple and juvenile as it is, it's still funny to see a big ol' hairy dude in a dress and full makeup. Blond wig spilling down his furry shoulders. A stuffed bra pushing out from his chest. Especially if you know the guy.

It's a chance to let people know that you don't take yourself too seriously. Also, you're so secure in your masculinity that you can poke fun at it. After all, it's the sheer contrast between the frilly dress and your "real" tough-as-bull's-nuts lumberjack personae that makes the joke work.

Photos.com
Wait, that's a MAN? I couldn't tell at all!

Why it's a terrible idea ...

This depends on your circle of friends. But there are certain guys who are just deeply, deeply weirded out by the sight of a dude in a dress and they will not let it go. Obviously, lots of people at the party will make jokes about your costume. That's the idea. But then there are these guys, the ones who just don't know when to let it die. They will constantly grab your comically oversized tits, even as you try to balance the next round of beers on the way back to your table. Depending on the alcohol level and depravity of your friends, you'll be fake dry-humped until your ass throbs in an area the exact shape and size of a dick. But it won't stop there.

Photos.com
"One more dry hump, and you get to explain how you got your ass beat by a man in a dress."

For the next couple of weeks at work, you'll be asked if you could put on a bra because you're distracting the other workers. They'll ask if you remembered to shave your legs. And the four most common words used in association with your name will be "purse," "tampon," "panties," and "vibrator." For probably the first time in your life, you'll have to weigh the options of life without parole versus waiting for it to just fade away. Until next Halloween when they remember and start the whole thing over again.

Photos.com
Probably shouldn't have done the banana thing. And then had sex with them.

#2. Animal Costumes

Why people do it ...

What girl hasn't at least considered dressing up as an adorable kitten? It's cheap as hell -- the ears cost like a buck, and the rest is just a black body suit with a makeshift belt/tail combo. The face makeup isn't complicated to apply. I, uh... assume.

Yeah, you're always going to have a couple of women show up as cats, but the ones I've met just pretend they're from the same litter and give lots of "awwwwws" and compliment each others' creative use of mascara and eyeliner to draw on the whiskers. If they're strangers, the cat costume just made them new friends for at least that night.

Photos.com
Well, at least until they start competing on blowljob prices.

Why it's a terrible idea ...

Furries.

That is, animal suit fetishists who will be masturbating to your costume.

Even ten years ago, the kitten costume would have gone mostly unnoticed in a room full of drunken Severus Snapes, Shreks, and Legolases. But the internet ruined all of that when we invented furries, followed by the volcanic rage we feel when we see them.

Via Tattooculture.ro
Oh, come on. Tell us you can look at that without wanting to punch him back to normal.

Halloween is the one day of the year that furries can be themselves and slip into a crowd, virtually unnoticed. Mingling with innocent, unsuspecting people who would under normal circumstances bathe them in white hot, molten ridicule until they wept bile.

As for the non-animal costume wearers, when we see the standard, cookie-cutter kitten at a party, we have to stop and make sure we haven't been tricked into accidentally befriending one of their kind. At least one male at the party will be thinking, "The person most likely to engage in some genital hunch-fucking is that 'sexy cat' with the giant cleavage. But do I want to risk hitting on and possibly having sex with an actual furry? I am in such a boner dilemma right now. And it's making my panties ride up my crack."

Photos.com
OK, the whore part, we have covered. But how sure is my boner that she knows it's Halloween?

#1. The Ironic Non-Costume

Why people do it ...

You know these. A plain t-shirt that just says "COSTUME" on the front. A guy named Frank wearing a name tag that says "Raoul," placed on his normal outfit. A guy in his pajamas, claiming it's "me when I first wake up."

You'll find at least one at every Halloween party in existence. Why not? They're fun. Cheap. Easy to put on. You're able to technically say you put on a costume so you don't look like a killjoy. And when the night is over, there's no makeup to remove or complicated outfit to disassemble. People dressed as slutty Transformers know what I'm talking about.

Via Scaryjane.com
Totally original and not at all douchebag idea.

Why it's a terrible idea ...

You're doing it for two reasons. First, you're legitimately trying to be witty and funny. The problem is that Halloween costumes are a terrible humor medium. Ninety-nine percent of "funny" costumes at best produce a forced courtesy laugh when you tell people what you're supposed to be. It's a joke that lasts about five seconds, but that you'll be wearing all night. And then will live on in however many Facebook albums you show up in. So you'll be explaining your joke costume, over and over again, for that same courtesy laugh, forever.

The second reason is that you just plain don't give a shit about dressing up, and you did the least amount of work possible just to say that you wore something to a costume party, just to get people off of your back. Because you're the kind of person who, above all, hates the idea of conforming to someone else's idea of fun.

Via Lovetoknow.com
Yes, you're incredibly witty. We'll all be over here if you need us.

To the rest of the partygoers who did show up in costume, that makes you a douchebag because it now looks like you just showed up for the free booze and/or food. The party meant so little to you that you weren't even willing to put ten minutes worth of effort into humoring the host or other guests. You might as well have showed up with an empty cooler an hour early, loaded up what you could eat and drink, and went back home with the loot.

It would have been much funnier and appreciated if you had taken the time to build a giant middle finger costume and told everyone to go fuck themselves the whole night. Which now that I think about it, I believe I now have my costume this year.

And be sure to check out Cracked's Page of Horror for more of John's musings on costumes.

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