7 Halloween Costumes That Never Look as Cool as You Think

What kind of sick freak doesn't like dressing up for Halloween? I don't care how old you are, it's just flat-out fun to shed your normal boring life for a night, tape down your balls and dress up as a slutty French Maid.

But like with anything, there is a way to do costumes wrong. Usually because what you think people see in your costume, and what they're actually seeing, are totally different things.

#7. "Sexy" Anything

Why people do it ...

I'm certainly no stranger to the "sexy" genre of Halloween costumes. Especially considering that last year I underwent $170,000 worth of plastic surgery to transform myself into Christina Hendricks. I'd say I had a good time, but I can't be totally sure of that. I ended up drinking a spiked Pepsi and passed out. When I woke up, it appeared that someone had rubbed a glazed doughnut all over my face and enormous breasts.

I did look pretty good that night, though.

Halloween is the one time of year that people are able to let their hair down and just whore it up without being viewed as one. It's accepted, it's all in good fun. It's just a costume.

Why it's a terrible idea ...

We're masturbating to you.

Via Nypost.com
"Hi. Can I buy you all of the remaining alcohol in the state?"

Ladies, after Halloween many, many websites/Facebook pages/Tumblr accounts will feature photo galleries from their costume parties. The most popular galleries will focus on sexy ladies in sexy costumes, like this one and let me make it clear: Those galleries exist so we can masturbate to them.

I'm sorry. Men are terrible. The guys you don't think are terrible are the ones who have become experts at hiding it, and we secretly high-five those guys when you're not looking. But make no mistake, when Shelly shows up in what she thinks is "cute nurse costume that shows some sideboob," the males at the party see one thing: "Shelly's sideboob." The rest of your costume becomes a vague blur.

We're like Boob Terminator, except we wish not destruction.

So be prepared, because at the party you will absolutely get creeped on. Regardless of your intentions when choosing the outfit, when guys see your cleavage, their most dominant thought is going to be, "Out of all the women in this room, that one is the most likely to engage in some genital hunch-fucking." If you're not down with that, that guy -- and probably several guys -- will be jerking off to the memory of your costume later. And the guys doing it will probably still be dressed as a comic book or video game character at the time.

Now, if that was your goal all along, then obviously your outfit has served its purpose. But holy shit, does that make for some awkward conversations along the way. And this is absolutely a female issue -- I don't know if you've noticed this, but 90 percent of guys can't pull off "casual and sexy." So their attempts come off as a nervous joke, and then they try to play along and act like it was a joke all along.

"Haha, oh we're crazy. Now about that 'sitting on Santa's lap' thing we said in total jest ..."

But I'm just going to put this out there right now: All of those guys who have made "jokes" about how they want to have sex with you? They all actually want to have sex with you. It's never a joke, it's testing your reaction to the idea. So when you dressed as a Sexy Police Woman and the guy "jokingly" said, "Hey, Tina, want to give me a strip search! Ha!" he was totally not kidding. He was propositioning you for Halloween Party Bathroom Sex, or at least a Halloween Handjob After She Has Two Pitchers Of Strawberry Daiquiris In Her.

#6. The Politically Charged Costume

Why people do it ...

Ah, the politically-motivated costume. This could be as simple as dressing up as a president (or as one of the surfer bank robbers from Point Break), or as complicated as creating a costume intended to make some kind of political statement (say, as a redneck Tea Partier with an intentionally misspelled anti-Obama T-shirt).

Via Zazzle.com
Yep, you're going to be an absolute pleasure to speak to!

Why it's a terrible idea ...

Do you realize your costume is going to get people talking politics? Is that what you had in mind? What kind of an asshole wants to spend the entire Halloween party talking about abortion and the fucking national debt? Especially today, when every minor, insignificant thing said about any political party at all is instantly blown out of proportion and everybody starts trying to remember talking points from whatever political blog they read that morning.

Via Photos.momlogic.com
On second thought, this should have gone in my previous point.

And don't think you'll be getting away with not talking politics -- you're fucking dressed as Obama with a diaper that says "HEALTH CARE" on it. Hell, just walking into the party as a recognizable figure (if you're lucky or skilled enough to even pull that off), you've already started the debate. You are a living political cartoon, and the entire room is filled with drunken commentators. You will goddamn well hear their opinions whether you like it or not.

You can say, "Sure, but I'll just avoid the political assholes and talk to the level-headed types." Yeah, but they won't talk to you. They came to have fun and get drunk. You came dressed as George Bush, drinking from a cup that reads, "OIL." They will avoid you like the fucking plague.

"Oh, hey there, Jerry. I see you dressed as everything we all hate about working with you."

#5. Unrecognizable Movie Characters

Why people do it ...

It's one thing to dress as Austin Powers or Captain America because their costumes make them instantly recognizable. But it's something entirely different to go as a pre Two Face Harvey Dent or Jeff Goldblum's character from Independence Day.

I can see why people would want to do it. It's more original, hardcore fans of the movie or show will love it, and if you look anything like the actor to begin with, your costume is already half made. You just have to find their signature outfits from the movies, and you're good to go.

"I'm one of the customers from the cafe scene in Pulp Fiction."

Why it's a terrible idea ...

Very few people at the party are hardcore fans of that particular movie or TV show. And to all of them, you're going to have to explain your costume. Over, and over, and over. When the pics get posted the next day? Get ready to explain it to all of your co-workers, and family. Over, and over, and over.

This is a good object lesson. That's the blog of a woman who is into fashion. For Halloween, she decided to be Ellen Page's character from Inception. So she used her fashion knowledge to painstakingly track down each individual piece of the character's outfit. She worked really hard on it. She was clever. What she put together is a pretty goddamn good match for the one found in the movie.

Via Fashionarchitect.blogspot.com

The problem is that in a costume party atmosphere, she looks like she just showed up in street clothes, and now she has to explain to every single fucking person she encounters why she didn't dress up. Then, she's relying on them to remember what that character was wearing in specific scenes -- remember, she didn't wear that ensemble through the whole movie.

Believe me, it will take talking to about three people before she starts gritting her teeth and fighting the urge to fling handfuls of her shit at the nearest guy in a Scream mask.

Know what? She should just do that anyway.

#4. The Badass

Why people do it ...

Let's face it, every guy's fantasy is to be a badass. Especially nerds who spend all year weeping into their weak, helpless hands because they're too shy to stand up to people who shit on them. It's why so many online video games are filled with human festering yeast infections. It's the place where they can unleash their dark side without fear of physical retribution.

So when Halloween rolls around, it's only natural to whip out the face paint and become the supervillain or vigilante you've always wished you could be. In my day, it was The Crow. Since 2008, you'll find at least four Heath Ledger Jokers at every gathering ... even ones in July that aren't actually costume parties.

Via Infobarrel.com
We're midnight tokers. We get our lovin' on the run.

Why it's a terrible idea ...

There aren't that many recognizable badasses. So if you care about originality at all, you're fucked.

It's not going to just be a case of one other person in the same outfit. You can just about guarantee that 20 percent of the attendees will have the same idea as you. Because on the whole, the average person isn't that creative. They saw the same blockbuster movie you saw, they were enraptured by the same super cool character in the cool costume.

Feel free to Google "Freddy Krueger costume" if you have a few hours to spare.

And now, you're just one of the crowd. Again. On the one day that you're allowed to be a standout badass, you have once again been reduced to just another average face in a sea of intentionally sloppy clown makeup and green hair.

And on the off chance that some slutty nurse decides to bone a supervillain, you could find the fate of your erection decided in a game of "Eenie Meenie Miney Moe." Though I guess depending on your level of nerdiness and social disconnect, that may actually be an improvement over your normal odds.

Via Costumesupercenter.com
Of course, it might be best to avoid the woman who finds these types of costumes attractive.

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