7 Great Occupations for Horribly Stupid People
Individual stupidity is usually measured on a sliding scale based on the number of crocodiles your head is inside, but this isn't a list of individual stupid people. It's a list of types of people who are very likely to be individually stupid.
#7. Kids on Children Shows
Any actor on a kid's show that isn't dressed as an alien or a bear is a complete idiot. They run into streets, they drink bleach, and if a stranger says he has a cookie in his pants, they'll sprain their wrists grabbing for it. And all of these horrible things remind nearby creatures of songs. Do you realize that there's an entire generation of children whose first interaction with education is watching traffic accidents and handjobs get interrupted by rapping dinosaurs? Good luck, Future.
Why They're So Stupid:
Besides basic safety procedures, most puppets only know songs about the alphabet. If you're over the age of three, hearing that all day is just going to make you dumber.
#6. Airport Security Guards
When you apply for a job as an airport screener, you are shown a jar containing three jelly beans and asked to guess how many are inside. If you guess correctly, you are placed in a holding cell and tortured until you give up the bomb's location (nice try, Muhammad). If you guess incorrectly, you are given a coupon for a free hug. If you throw the jar of jelly beans into a wall safe and scream for everyone to clear the airport, you are immediately hired.
You're only allowed to bring three ounces of liquid on a plane. Kind of. You might have a four-ounce bottle of toothpaste that's almost empty, but airport security guards are so stupid they're not allowed to do that kind of math. This is a problem, but I have an idea. Since we don't have enough money to hire dentists to inspect everyone's toothpaste, we should put a chimpanzee at each checkpoint. Then, every passenger gets to select two items from their bags to carry into battle against the chimp. This will not only quickly identify each commuter's two best weapons, but if they choose toothpaste, hold on, there's something up with this guy's toothpaste.
Why They're So Stupid:
The idea is to make them so dumb that they're impossible to trick. But man they're going to look like geniuses when the first old lady tries to drive a jetliner into the Statue of Liberty and her plan falls apart because her mouthwash wasn't in her carry-on.
#5. Cops in Sci-Fi Movies
As a rule, people in movies haven't ever seen a movie. They're not equipped to deal with anything strange. Now, if you or I saw a naked man drop through a hole in reality and walk through 50 bullets to put his fist through our stomach, we'd die knowing that we've made a robot from the future very happy. A guy in a movie, though, he has no idea what happened. He'll use his dying words to argue how robots don't exist, and even if they did, they wouldn't be able to smile!
As slow as people are to accept that they're dealing with the supernatural, cops are always the last ones to catch on. They can watch the Blob dissolve through a kindergarten and suggest out loud that they must have drank too much this morning. No matter what, a cop in a science fiction movie uses drugs as the explanation for everything. Did a dead body get up and eat the coroner? "PCP." Did a viking frost giant knock down a skyscraper? "Stack of PCP abusers." Did Star Man bring a dead deer back to life? "That's just what gay sex looks like when you see it for the first time."
We know that werewolves are impossible, officer. But after you see one doing a handstand on a moving van and leading their team to the state finals, it gets to a point where "werewolves" are a less ridiculous explanation than "Armenian drug users learning to talk and play basketball."
Why They're So Stupid:
If police were allowed to believe in the supernatural, they would be shooting people all day long. Meth addicts would be shot as goblins. People lined up for Twilight would be gunned down as vampires. And like I mentioned before, gay prostitutes performing deer necromancy would be... actually, I think they already shoot you for that.
#4. Fat People Near Trapdoors
The seventh law of thermodynamics is that every time a fat person gets near a trapdoor, they fall in. It's the closest thing we have to scientific proof of God.
Why They're So Stupid:
According to my research, rumors of underground pizza trees started in 1982 made not falling into trapdoors completely obsolete in the fat person community. If that's a coincidence, I've completely wasted this encyclopedia set.
#3. Healthcare Practitioners
To avoid any subjectiveness on this author's part, I wanted one of these to be fully scientific. So I went on FutureProofYourCareer.com and took an extensive online quiz that tested my aptitude and personality traits to decide the perfect career for me. This was a quiz I was determined to fail.
I gave myself the lowest possible scores in all aspects of human ability. Then I answered all the personality questions like a schizophrenic. If I was able to contradict myself at any time, I did. As far as this quiz knows, I can't do math or stack objects, I've killed several drifters and I did great in math class while working as an object stacker. I'd like to think that by the time I finished, a computer somewhere was screaming and shooting itself in the mouth. Unrelated to this article, that image is also what I was thinking about every time I slept with you, ex-girlfriends.
So now that this computer brain knows I can't do anything right, and the property damage from me trying would be unacceptable, it suggested my primary field of study: healthcare practitioner. This seemed strange. Maybe because giving myself the lowest possible scores in everything proved I was honest enough to tell someone they have cancer without fucking with them, yet incompetent enough to have that turn out to be wrong. That's win/win for everybody.
Why They're So Stupid:
Don't ask me. It's simple science.
#2. Pro Wrestling Referees
These people have made a career out of looking at the wrong thing. If the Love Buddies are in a tag match against the Murder Cheaters, you can be sure that the ref will spend the whole time screaming at the Love Buddy outside the ring while all manner of inhumanity is being done to the one behind him. I looked up logic in my encyclopedia. Even by 1982 standards, that doesn't make any sense! If you hired a pro wrestling referee to babysit, he would warn the house plant in the corner not to cheat while your two cats killed your baby behind him.
Why They're So Stupid:
No matter how obvious the crime scene, the ref can't ever piece together the story after he turns back around. If he sees two burping cats and half an infant, all he knows is that these cats win! Shrug! As soon as you get home, he'll present you with the new tag team champions and go home thinking it was a job well done.
#1. Best Buy Employees
Have you ever had a Best Buy employee interrupt your conversation with the question, "Are you guys finding everything OK?" It happens to me five times a visit. And maybe it's just me but when I'm shopping for DVDs in a row of alphabetized DVDs, asking me if I'm finding everything OK is a lot like asking me if I'm currently shitting into a diaper.
I've never found an answer that makes them go away, either. If I say "Yes," they usually read off the titles of whatever DVDs I'm holding until they're satisfied that we're best video buddies. If I say, "Thank God you're here! Can you tell me what letter Hitch begins with?" they look at me like I asked them if they're currently shitting into a diaper. Which is often my follow up.
Why They're So Stupid:
I imagine some of them start with healthy and active minds. Then they try to explain HD to an elderly customer while the 300 screens near them start playing Bolt again from the beginning. The human brain has one of several choices at a time like that, and they're all suicide.
Loved that last picture
ReplyWhat? No republican spokespeople?
ReplyYou can't lower yourself to the level of the Republicans, man. That's how they get you.
LOVED Number 3. As a graduate of one of those schools that advertises late at night and promises life changing medical career training in as little as nine months, I'm qualified to say that #3 is absolutely true, if my knuckle dragging marginally literate heavily tattooed foul mouthed occasionally present classmates were anything to judge by. Of course, not all of them were that bad, mostly the ones who dropped out after a couple of months so they could smoke more pot or spend more time with their baby mama/daddy or visit more regularly with their other personalities or whatever. Those of us left over slogged through classwork that could have been successfully completed by a reasonably intelligent chimp with a sharpened pencil. It takes intelligence, drive, and compassion to be a doctor or an RN or an LVN; to be a Medical Assistant, it takes the willingness to go into debt up to your eyeballs and a year of your time to waste. Not a lot of intelligence necessary there.
ReplyShrug! I will now be using this as my go-to response for stupid questions. Thanks, Seanbaby!
ReplyThanks Seanbaby, now I have coffee up my nose and nearly choked by trying to drink and read your article at the same time
Replyyou can tell dick bombs by by taste alone. Classic
ReplyI work at Best Buy. I work in a non-sales department. Sometimes when I happen to be on the sales floor a customer will ask me a question. I usually know the answer, or at least part of the answer, but I play dumb because 1. The salespeople don't help me with my job, why should I help them with theirs? 2. The questions are usually so dumb that the person asking probably shouldn't even own the technology to begin with.
ReplyI will be quitting my job soon. Because I really am too smart for it.
But...are you shitting in a diaper right now?
hahahaha, Remontant, you are everything that is wrong with retail, its not about feeding your own ego, its about being useful in order to receive a wage.
the comic for #1 sums up my experience as a retail employee
ReplyNot only CAN you eat a dvd with a cheeseburger on it, you SHOULD.
The manager that recommended against it is a greedy a*****e who wants them all for themselves.
What about people who sell Amway?
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesNo, that takes some skill and IQ points.
Are there still people who sell Amway?
hahahaha what is amway?
Felt bad; read this; felt Awesome.
ReplyGod bless you Seanbaby.
surprised wal-mart associate wasnt there anywhere...but then again thats common sense....after working there for six months now i had to have this comment translated by my mildly retarded cousin from crayon drawings smeared with feces....the text just doesn't do the original manuscripts justice
ReplyYou're so silly. Everybody know 'klarb' only comes at the end of a word. And I'm like, 90% sure the number 3 doesn't count as a letter.
Reply3 is so a letter! You're so silly!
Funny article, but I do sometimes feel for people in these "stupid" professions. I work a job where we have rules every bit as strict (and occasionally as stupid) as an airport security guard; the most frustrating feeling in the world is when an exasperated customer points out to you how f**king nonsensical your rules are, AND YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO AGREE WITH THEM!!!
ReplyBest Buy and other retail-type situations... yeah, hours spent every day trying to explain simple concepts to amazingly stupid people WILL turn your brains to mush. To spare your mind further pain, it's eventually easier just to assume everyone who comes into your store is a clueless moron... which, of course, just makes YOU look like the clueless moron to anyone who knows what they're talking about!
So yes... while the article was great for a laugh, do keep in mind the difference between "stupid jobs" and "stupid employees"!
You know, probably most of the Best Buy employees who bug you at times like that are doing it 'cause they'll get their asses fired if they don't. Just like how bookstore or department store employees have to bug you about getting their card if you haven't already.
ReplySome of them are probably kind of retarded, but most are just hating their s**tty lives while they force a smile and ask that question.
yeah i was in the checkout at target and when the lady in front of me swiped her card the checker's screen had a cartoon picture of a guy saying "would you like to get a Target card today and save 5% on all all your purchases?" and the checker said it with pained sadness in his eyes.
As far as the company I work for goes, if an employee's percentage of sales using a membership card is below 75% at the end of the week, they get in shit. Even if the boss personally witnessed them doing their best to get people to join and being subsequently flat-out ignored or verbally abused by customers.
Rest assured, customers, we hate it just as much as you do. We just can't say so.
of course, that doesn't make this article any less hilarious.
Sadly, I have to completely agree with Seanbaby about #1. I went to my local Best Buy to have the Geek Squad update my antivirus software for my computer (this was during the old days where you had to personally bring your tower in, before you could renew online). During the running of the diagnostic scan of my hardrive, my Geek said he could find no viruses, cookies, spyware, etc. even though my PC was 4 years old. I said yes, because I've used the System Restore function to restore my computer to a previous update point every time anything sus**cious infected my computer or caused it to run slow. I would do this by going to Control Panel on the Start Menu - System and Maintenance - Back Up and Restore Center - Use System Restore - then select the last recommended restore point that your computer has. Anytime my computer got a Trojan or Spyware, I stopped it in its tracks by turning back time.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesAfter telling my poor little Geek this story, he gave me a dumbfounded and look and said he had never heard of any such thing to prevent a computer from crashing. I've since had this same conversation with several other members of Best Buy's computer service Geek Squad. They really had no idea!
And now you all know my dirty little secret. You're welcome.
Wow, I mean, just wow.
...Yeah, you're f**ked.
That's because the Geek squad is actually just the people who sell the most in their department. -_- It's really quite stupid how they work that out.
I don't think this really happened.
I gave you a thumbsdown because f**k you for thinking Geek Squad can help anyone.
The employees at my local Best Buy are actually helpful. Weird...
ReplyI always thought Best Buy employees kept pestering me because I was brown and they thought I was going to bomb something.
ReplyWell...Are you?
That really is an unfair stereotype. I mean I'm white enough that I've been occasionally mistaken for a reanimated skeleton and I bomb way more Best Buys than any brown person I've ever met.
I ind it funny about the best buy part. I have two friends wo are smart and techno-computer-electronics experts and one day I told them: "you too should work at best buy or future shop" and they told:" we can't we now what we,re talking about."
Reply Hide All See All 5 Replies...What?
Nick you'd do well at Best Buy.
I find it funny about the Best Buy part. I have two friends who are smart and techno-computer-electronics experts, and one day I told them, "You two should work at Best Buy or Future Shop." They said, "We can't. We know what we're talking about."
You can't read English while compensating for dialect? Shame.
In Soviet Russia, Best Buy you?
Oh well, it made as much sense as the original comment.
I am a security guard (not airport, though). We have some discretion, but if the regulations say 'X is not permitted', we have to enforce it, even if we think it's stupid. If someone wrote that bottle rule without considering the amounts inside, the airport guard has to confiscate your two ounces of shampoo in the 10 ounce bottle.
ReplyBTW: the surest way to INCREASE the number of stupid rules we guards must enforce is for people to be stupid (or make a big deal about something until a rule is passed). And the surest way to keep the stupid rules in force is to keep on trying to circ*mvent them.
You notice that's how stupid laws get passed, also?
Unimaginative writing is why movie and TV cops (or other authorities) can look at an obviously, in-your-face-paranormal event and talk about drugs, mistaken perception, or whatever. Mysterious noises or glimpses out of the corner of the eye are more understandably dismissed.
Of course, if people acted realistically, horror movies would either be short, or long and boring.
I am going to FutureProofYourCareer right now to try that exact same thing!
ReplyOh my god, I totally got "health care practitioner" too! Specifically, I got:
Farming, fishing and forestry, Food preparation and serving and Healthcare practitioner and technical.
I said I was bad at everything and would get no enjoyment out of anything. I also said I have a Doctorate degree and was also a high school student. Clearly, it's a crapshoot.
Wow, how... appropriate... that the non-healthcare options involve either fast food or menial labor in rural areas.