Not every professional athlete gets Michael Jordan's advertising campaigns. The lucky few who have the chance to film a commercial rarely get to see it air beyond city limits. These are local commercials, and if you're a pro-athlete moderately well-known within your city, the low-budget, low-creativity world of commercials for local businesses is your financial salvation -- and the only taste of the superstar lifestyle you may ever get.
There's just one small catch: There's a very good chance your commercial will suck. Like these ...
7Scottie Pippen For Mr. Submarine Sub Shop
It was 1991. The Chicago Bulls won their first of three consecutive NBA championships. Michael Jordan was starring in Wheaties commercials, Spike Lee was directing his Nike ads, and Gatorade commercials demanded that we all "Be Like Mike."
Meanwhile, the Bulls' second scoring option, Scottie Pippen, was slam-dunking subs for a Chicago-area sandwich joint called Mr. Submarine.
Ball, ball, TURKEY ON WHITE.
In the middle of practice, Scottie Pippin is suddenly and mysteriously confronted with a 6-foot sub sandwich standing before him, like the Monolith from 2001: A Space Odyssey made of bread and deli meats. It must mean something. His trusty companions, two Chicago Bulls cheerleaders, Kim and Cheryl, rush to his side to help solve the mystery of The Suddenly Appearing Sandwich. Scottie offers his thoughts:
Or ... maybe he's sexually intimidated by the sub, so he drafts the services of two ladies to help him sexually conquer it? I can't be sure. I just know that when I watched Jordan's commercials I was never left wondering if he wanted to drink a Gatorade or slip his penis into one.
6Joe Flacco Is A Soulless Shill For Restaurants
Hi. Baltimore Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco here for pizza. You know, you should pizza sometimes. Not always. Heavens to Betsy! That'd be wild if you did! Boy! But sometimes, pizza.
You know, pizza is a lot like this shirt I'm wearing. Some parts are red. Other parts, not so much red. I can't eat my shirt, though. Because it's not pizza. I only eat pizza. Throw football.
[throws football at nothing]
This has been Joe Flacco for pizza.
Hi. Joe Flacco for mothers, here. Mothers are great. They wipe your rump when it's dirty, and they hug you. They are some of the best things out there, and that's including all the good things!
Welp, that's about it for m- What? Another eating place? Dang. That sure ain't a mother.
Hi. Joe Flacco for eating places, here ...