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Museums are fun because they're full of things you can stare at. Some people will even think you're smart if you stare at some boring painting long enough. If only there was a place you could stare at things outside of the museum. Guess what? There is. It's called the whole world. Go outside. Pick a thing. Stare at it. Boom. You just had a great time. There's no limit to the things you can stare at. You can stare at a building. You can stare at clouds. You can stare at birds, but it's kind of hard because they move. You can stare at a tree! Get closer, give it a good look. Stare at the bark. Bark is weird, huh? You just learned something. Who's smart now? The guy who wastes all day in a museum staring at old arts and crafts from dead people? Or you, the guy who knows stuff about trees? That's right, you.
Pro Tip: Wait until sunset and start whispering random bullshit to save yourself $10 on the new Terrence Malick film.
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Some people don't like it if you pet their dog without asking. Whatever. Dogs can't tell on you because they can't talk. You can pet any dog you want as long as the owner doesn't see. Walk by a dog, give it a pat on the head. Find a dog tied up in front of a store. You just found a cool four-legged friend to hang out with for a bit.
"I'm going to call you Michael Barke Duncan."
If you want to go pro at pooch petting, check out a dog park. It's illegal to hang out at a human playground without a child, but this rule doesn't apply to dog parks. Just walk right in and take a seat. Dogs will come to you and you can touch them. Hang out there as long as you like. If someone asks which dog is yours, just point to a pile of dogs wrestling and say "That one."
"Yeah, that one that looks like Luis Guzman."
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This is sort of a bonus because we've already covered eating, but if you want to take thrifty living to the next level, try this neat trick. Rich people who don't understand how our bodies work have figured out that you can go weeks at a time without eating food. They call it a cleanse. Going on a cleanse is a great, fun activity to do when you're poor and can't afford food. All you have to do is not eat. Sounds easy, right? It is. But the best part about going on a cleanse is telling people that you're on a cleanse. They'll say all kinds of nice things to you, like "Good for you," "That's so healthy," and "I wish I had your discipline." What's your secret? Are you getting rid of toxins built up over years of unhealthy eating? Or are you slowly starving because you don't have any money? You'll never tell.