Cracked Columnists

7 Famous Zombie Movie Weapons (That Would Get You Killed)

#3. Kung Fu

Why it's awesome:

Anyone who doesn't enjoy a Resident Evil movie is an idiot, because they knew exactly what they were getting into before they watched it. The movies' mission statement is "Milla Jovovich improbably kicks all zombie ass," and they stay so true to that statement they even have her kick zombies to death despite that being stupid and impossible. Because in the Resident Evil world those are both synonyms for awesome.

Clip dubbed in foreign language, because the words in a Resident Evil movie totally matter.

She goes up against a dead security officer armed with only a cocktail dress. Her first response is to shove both her bare fists at its biting mouth, then leap two meters straight up and jam her leg in there too.


That punch wouldn't even work against a regular corpse.

Either she's trying to confuse its mind by giving it too many limbs to choose from, or she's forgotten that Milla doing splits only stuns living men. Luckily we're more than five minutes into a Resident Evil movie by this point so physics has already given up and gone home. Which is why the standing jump-kick shoves the zombie twice her mass five meters back (to death), instead of bouncing Milla off the door behind her into its open mouth.

You're now a zombie because:

If we have to explain why shoving your naked flesh into a zombie's face is a bad idea, go right ahead. Your intelligence is so low you'd slow even them down, giving the rest of us more time to escape. Even an abrasion would have you T-virused and rotting, although Milla's okay -- the one thing the movie got right is how she's a genetically superior being.

#2. Katana

Why it's awesome:

A lone hero wields the noble samurai blade against mindless hordes, though if you're the sort of person who says, "noble samurai blade" you'd probably refer to them as sheeple. Be warned that the zombie apocalypse will destroy all your wall scrolls.

Getty
Pajamas, sword, I don't see what else I could need!

Swords are cool because all guns are starting pistols for the "Chase the human" zombie marathon. And katana are the coolest swords. Light, fast and ridiculously sharp, the only problem is how the hordes won't give you time to pose dramatically and whisper haiku after each killing stroke. But you'll know that they're dramatically falling slowly in half several seconds after you sprint into the sunset.

You're now a zombie because:

The only monsters less worried about cuts than zombies are zombie lumberjacks. You might as well insult one as slash it. Sure, there's decapitation, but if you can cut through 50 spinal columns in a row then stop showing off, Superman, and enjoy the one time you're actually allowed to burn people with your eyes.

The katana is single edged, so it sucks in a crowd compared to proper swords. It's designed for quick draw because that's how samurai won every argument up to and including "most overly romanticized group of poverty-stricken servants who slept with little boys." Quick draw is the one fighting skill you don't need against zombies. With a decent pair of binoculars you have time to dig a moat against the buggers.

commons.wikimedia.org
Or use a Suzuki Katana to get the hell out of there.

Katana are also higher maintenance and less useful in survival situations than a Hilton. Real ones need to be polished, powdered and gently sung to in perfect Japanese or they'll rust into flakes, and are ridiculously easy to chip and notch. In the extremely unlikely event of surviving your first zombie crowd you'll be left holding a handle and a foot of what looks like crinkled tin-foil. And it's useless for everything else. Adventuring through the ruins of mankind, you'll need to be able to rip open doors and steal mankind's stuff. Trying to lever open a wooden door with your katana ends with your sword losing a fight against dead tree, never mind dead humans.

When you have to fantasize about the end of society for it to be useful, and still be wrong, you'd be better off using your life-size catgirl pillow as a weapon. At least that'll reactivate the buried instincts of female zombies to move away from you and reduce the horde by 50 percent.

#1. Chainsaw

Why it's awesome:

The iconic anti-zombie weapon and the greatest proof that zombie plans are practice for mass murdering. "I'm not saying I will, but if I was to kill thousands of unarmed people who can't run I'd say Leatherface had the right idea." That's the sort of thing you tell psychologists to score a supply of free sedatives.

Getty
Because there's no better problem-solving strategy than having drugs AND a chainsaw

Chainsaws work on the dismemberment strategy, the safe bet that the average undead is not Voltron and is therefore harmless when broken into pieces. They're the black hole singularity of zombie movies: Inescapably pulling in every undead for miles and then doing physically impossible things to them.

You're now a zombie because:

Fantastic, you've found a melee weapons which needs to be reloaded. Which means you need to find gas. Two acts no one has ever survived when facing zombies. It's the jumping-split-kicks of movie weaponry: Looks awesome but ignores everything we know about the human body. Chainsaws are designed to cut through trees, not fleshy sacks full of sinewy wiring, and even without jamming it takes far too long. The only animate target which moves slowly enough and wouldn't jam it is an Ent.


Their only defense is kind of hoping you won't.

There's also the range. You can swing other weapons at arm's length, but have to hold the saw close to your body because swinging a chainsaw around saves zombies the bother of tearing out your intestines. They're also the loudest weapon in the entire world, a zomboid dinner invitation: "Lone human, already surrounded, bring friends."

Special Exception: Ashley J. Williams knew exactly what he was doing. When the choice is "chainsaw" or "no hand," chainsaw is the right choice in every situation but masturbation, and every time he used it was a one-on-one combat situation (Ditto the shotgun). We might go around poking holes in movies, but Bruce Campbell's ass-kicking is 100 percent documentary.


A right-chainsaw for a hand might castrate you, but he clearly doesn't need to masturbate.

Luke McKinney recently drank the hottest sauce in the world, then told Capcom how to make Dead Rising 3. He also tumbles and has a website.

For more weapons porn, check out 6 New Weapons That You Literally Cannot Hide From and 5 Famous Sci-Fi Weapons That They're Actually Building.

Recommended For Your Pleasure

Luke McKinney

  • Rss

More by Luke McKinney:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here

1,718 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!