Zombies are the best imaginary enemy because they let you indulge in psychotic fantasies while still pretending to be the good guy. You're not a demented serial killer, you HAVE to slaughter your way through the crowds of people you see every day! Except they're all brain-damaged and incapable of teamwork! That's less sporting than an ice hockey team versus a figure skater, and even more fun. But it's only fun because, like all daydreams, you only imagine the good bits. Very few people daydream about their own failures and pointless unnoticed deaths (and those that do are safely channeled into reality TV). Here's how seven spectacular anti-zombie weapons will get you killed.
#7. ShotgunWhy it's awesome:
The shotgun is a better anti-zombie strategy than cremation. Whatever magic makes corpses immune to bullet-holes gives up when those holes are a foot across, because even things that don't need a heartbeat find limbs quite useful. And as games like Left4Dead teach us, headshots become head-erasers.
Sixty down, 6 billion to go.
At close-quarters you don't even need to aim: pump-actions turn you into a chick-chacking death machine, while double-barrels convert a crowded hallway into an escape path lightly misted with Eau De Corpse. Undead ups the ante with a triple-barreled monstrosity which can only have been built by MacGuyver's evil twin.
You're now a zombie because:
That's 300 percent more phallic than an actual penis.
A shotgun has a worse "safe area" to "huge noise area" ratio than a Space Shuttle launch, which at least takes people places zombies can't follow. Firing a shotgun clears a few meters ahead of you while summoning everything in a mile radius to fill it again, so every shot generates a net increase of zombies.
Repeated shotgun blasts are the zombie equivalent of ringing a dinner bell. It says: There's food over there. And every time it fires there's one less zombie ahead of them in the queue. You serve by stopping to reload. The multiguns are even worse: Undead's trishotty is about as wieldy as an angry rhinoceros and even worse for your survival chances. Burning through ammo at triple the rate instead of bothering to work at aiming makes it the Hummer of guns. It's a more impractical use of multiple barrels for defense than Donkey Kong.
#6. FlamethrowerWhy it's awesome:
They're the ultimate in crowd control as long as you remember to laugh maniacally and do air quotes for "control." Because the Geneva convention doesn't give shit about zombies. Flamethrowers kick so much ass that even countries who've decided they're going to spend the next few years murdering each other -- but it's totally cool with every other country because they called it first (war is weird) -- agree not to use them.
After World War II, even the people who'd just fought through World War II thought "Jeez, maybe those things were a bit much."
The usual downside is carrying a huge flammable tank on your back but zombies can't take advantage of that. It's like an alien spaceship boss finally fighting a colorblind pilot: massively overpowered weapons and they can't see your weak point! The zombies' only advantage are numbers, and that only makes your Flamesgiving Day bonfire that much brighter!
You're now a zombie because:
Burning sucks for people because it uses up all the air (which zombies don't need) and causes incredible pain (which zombies can't feel). A real burning human body doesn't melt away like an ambulatory enemy candle, either. If you are fighting a tinder-dry undead monster which ignites like it's been wrapped in kindling, you're fighting a mummy. And dead, because all you've done is burn them down to a Cursed Charred Skeleton which is +5 invulnerable to your fire.
Zombies are gooey so you need to keep applying external flame to keep them lit, and unless you're using an oxacetylene torch you're not actually getting rid of any zombie in the process. You're just making sure they enjoy flame-grilled flesh when their burning jaws bite your face off. You'd be better off handing them primed grenades and hoping you've run away before they work out how to drop them. Oh, and since you also tend not to fight zombies in space or underwater, now the entire area is on fire and you can't see or breathe. But that won't be problem for long.
#5. Lawnmower (Braindead/Dead Alive)Why it's awesome:
Before Lord of the Rings, Peter Jackson made movies for people with severe mental problems. Dead Alive is something a scriptwriter would write as a meat packing plant insurance scam, be caught because it's retarded, then found innocent by reason of insanity. New Zealander Lionel Cosgrove ropes a lawnmower onto his chest and charges into a zombie-packed hallway. This scene shreds so much disgusting fake flesh that hot dog makers consider it a motivational seminar.
Hey zombies, who's on the right side of the spinning blades?
There are more body parts flying around than a mannequin factory, and more bodily fluids flying in larger arcs than every other video clip on the Internet put together. It goes on so long that liquefying people actually starts to get boring, which is wasted cinema, because if you've watched this movie this far you don't need to imagine what it's like to be a serial killer. The creation of oil didn't spend so long killing things into liquid. Hannibal Lecter would watch this and lose his appetite. And in some horrific movie sexism, Lionel kicks zombie limbs down the hall to where his girlfriend is doing the same thing in the kitchen, with a blender.
You're now a zombie because:Dead Alive zombification is passed on by fluid exchange so running around at ground zero of an infection-slurpee fountain is problematic. Lionel bathes in so much blood vampires in other movies start to smell him, and so much soaks into the floor that people in Madrid start hungering for human brains.
Most men only look like this after being born.
A weapon where enemies can get within headbutting range will have literal teething problems. Luckily New Zealand lawnmowers are apparently powered by a miniature black hole: the zombies queue up to reach into the whirling blades like it holds the Meaning of Death. Assuming that your zombies don't know that they're almost at the end of the movie, the only dent you'll make is carving a chest-hole into the first zombie to bite your face off. Though your shambling rotomatic corpse will be slightly better at stumbling through underbrush than your zombie colleagues.
#4. Tesla Ball (Dead Rising 2)Why it's awesome:
Anything named after Nikola Tesla has to kick electrical ass, and Dead Rising 2 uses it to kill more infection victims than the plague. The Tesla Ball reverses the polarity of a metal bingo ball: instead of keeping people alive just this side of death, it kills the shit out of them on the other. It's like the Japanese copied the boulder from Raiders of the Lost Ark, only the new version is miniaturized, electrical and completely insane.
When even a video game tells you, "Stand back, we got this," you know it's going to kick ass.
More ball-based testosterone and voltage than Zeus's testicles.
The lightning extends around three meters, meaning he's ramped two car batteries to 9 million volts. Each bolt lasts a few seconds so they're producing more electrical power than every nuclear plant in the world combined, and even more destructively. With the game selling over 2 million copies that means this sphere has killed more fictional things than the Death Star. And has no stupid flaw.
You're now a zombie because:
Chuck Greene grabs a bare metal frame carrying enough electricity to overload Cybertron with his bare hands because HELL YEAH! (Ditto Frank West In Dead Rising 2: Turbo.) They're simply too awesome to die, despite -- and this is the problem -- being the only ones who possibly could. (Well, apart from the game's "survivors," but those suicidal bat-magnets could kill themselves in a coma so they don't count.)
Electrocution kills humans because it overwrites their heartbeat and nervous system. Two things zombies aren't known for. In fact, lightning bolts is exactly how you get a pile of corpse parts to stand up and start murdering things in the first place (citation: work of Dr. Frankenstein, incomplete). This weapon would kill negative zombies. Larger currents can cause burns and cell damage, but burns are already useless and it's hard to damage a cell past "rotting."