#3. I Stole Your Money, You Stole My Heart
Police in Columbus, Ohio, report that Stephfon Bennett has been arrested for robbery and desperately needs a date. They report that he was captured two hours after being suspected of robbing Daniel and Diana Martinez when he arrived at Diana's house to ask her out. From a certain alpha male-style brain it makes sense: He now knows for a fact that he is better at fighting and has more money than her current date. It also proves that alpha masculinity is idiotic bullshit.
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The only situation in which a man can be referring to a "bitch" without being an asshole.
We can only assume that Bennett was an advanced pick-up artist trying out an experimental new form of super-negging and meeting with the same level of success all such douchebaggery deserves. We can say he was dedicated, because he was still outside the house when police arrived to arrest him. And that, Hollywood writers, is what really happens when someone's entire romantic strategy is totally dedicating themselves to a woman no matter what reality and sanity might say about it.
Returning to claim the love of the one you've already stolen from only works when you're a Greek myth, and trying it in the real world leads to similar levels of disbelief that you're real.
#2. Your Underage Daughter Wouldn't Sleep With Me
A 57-year-old Stockholm man reportedly met a 13-year-old on an Internet dating site and transferred 500 kronor ($72 in 2010) into her bank account. When he arrived at their sex rendezvous, she wasn't there, proving that she wasn't totally stupid.
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"Thanks, sucker, this Charles and Christopher is gonna buy momma the glitteriest iPhone case in the world!"
He found her home phone number, explained the situation to her father, and demanded his money back. This phone call had to simultaneously be both the greatest nightmare and the greatest relief in a father's life. Yes, a creepy Internet man is trying to have sex with your daughter, but he's an idiot. This resulted in a state known as "SO arrested," which tells us that the father's chainsaw must have been in the shop that week.
"They laughed when I bought this for her first birthday."
The man claimed that he thought the girl was much older. So he normally calls the parents of his dates to complain when things don't work out? That would explain why he's still being stood up for dates he already paid for at 57.
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"Yes, it's me again. No, I don't know why people don't like it when I use my phone."
Of course he was easily caught and fined by a Swedish court. Wait, fined? That's it? Damn, Sweden, the guy trying to have sex with a child and then demanding his money back is not the time to try out ironic punishments. Or if it is, "illegally demanding a refund" is not the crime you're meant to be ironically punishing.
#1. Fake Bomb Detectors
British businessman Gary Bolton has been jailed for seven years for selling fake bomb detectors. The court heard from the world's most understated Home Office defense expert that the device had "no credibility as an explosive detector," because it had no functioning parts of any kind. The BBC reports that X-rays revealed the devices to be totally empty. They were just plastic boxes with handles, antennae, and a price tag of 10,000 pounds.
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Like this, but significantly less sweet.
That is the most obvious and scumbaggy crime possible. If you build a machine that can't detect bombs, that is going to become terrifyingly clear to some poor bastard, and his surviving colleagues are going to be very upset. And have more of your empty boxes left to examine. Hell, they'll even be able to see the empty void inside the first one when it's been blown open. Was his plan to have every single user of the device exploded so that they couldn't press charges?
The judge said Bolton had damaged the reputation of British trade abroad. If you're selling fake bomb detectors and the only thing you damage is a reputation, that's the only reason you're being sentenced by a court instead of a crowd of amputees using their remaining limbs to loft burning torches and a scaffold. That may still happen when the various global security agencies he just tried to mass-manslaughter find out that he's only been jailed for seven years. That's a shorter sentence than some marijuana dealers receive, and that stuff prevents people from going out and getting bombed.
Enjoy more idiotic criminal capers with The 9 Most Hilarious Ways Criminals Were Caught or more effective felons with 7 Wanted Criminals Who Made Mocking the Police into an Art Form.