Are you tired of the same ol' Hollywood movies? Well, using the powers of your imagination and just a twinge more suspension of disbelief, you too can enjoy a really good Punisher movie (that you never realized existed) or a third Speed film (in space). Don't believe me? Please consider that some of your favorite movies have been accidental fan-fiction hiding in plain sight, such as:
7The Rock Is A Secret James Bond Movie
The Rock stars Nicolas Cage as a chemical weapons specialist tasked with infiltrating a terrorist-ridden Alcatraz. Fortunately for the audience, this inexplicably bumbling fed can only get his Rock on with the help of deadly grandpa John Mason -- an aged Scotsman credited with being the only inmate to escape the prison island. Also, he's totally Sean Connery.
"The only thing I couldn't eshcape wash the inevitability of plowing your mother lasht night."
You probably know where this is heading. See, Mason is more than just some spry convict; he's revealed to be a British Intelligence-trained former SAS captain who was wanted for stealing America's precious secrets. When he was captured, England disavowed all knowledge of his existence and he was put away in Alcatraz in 1962 ... only to escape a year later to presumably take on his true enemy, SPECTRE.
And the harsh mistress of time.
No, seriously -- as others have determined before me, The Rock fits quite well into the James Bond chronology if you also subscribe to the previously discussed theory that the Bond name is actually a code word like 007, which would explain why the character never ages and constantly changes appearance. That means John Mason had taken up the Bond title for Dr. No in 1962, a film that ends with him being taken in by the Coast Guard. He would then have been jailed in Alcatraz for that time and escaped before From Russia With Love and the subsequent adventures -- stopping briefly in America to get some strange (and father an estranged daughter, who we meet in The Rock).
"Related you shay? I best be going."
The only real inconsistency is the time in which Mason/Bond was in jail after his second capture, but I'm more than willing to accept that the 33 years the film claims was merely a clerical error fudged from the true 23 years he was incarcerated, which, coincidentally, would put his recapture smack dab at the moment James Bond suddenly turned into goddamn Roger Moore.
United Artists/Eon Productions
BOND: Hey Z, it's me, your favorite creeping-around guy, Joachim Boog!"
Q: *does 5 shots*
6Carrie Is Basically An X-Men Movie
Between gratuitous teenager showers and apeshit Piper Laurie shrieks, Carrie finds time to tell the story of a young lady surfing her first crimson wave -- and by "crimson wave," I of course mean the blood of her doomed, stupid peers.
"Hang 10, you callous fucks."
Yes, reader -- you've surely seen or are at least aware of the pyrokinetic shenanigans of a scorned Carrie White, who party-fouls the hell out of her prom with the slaughter of her entire school and frothing religious mother -- the latter appearing to be right on the money when insisting that her daughter is channeling evil.
The 2013 remake goes a step further by having her birth punctuated with a near-infanticidal act by her mom, who in both versions insists that Carrie's father was seduced by the devil. So, to recap: We have the birth of an unruly telekinetic whose mother attributes a demonic father for her evil powers. She can fly, enjoys incinerating shit with her mind, and is filled to the brim with an uncontrollable force that's ready to explode in the worst ways imaginable. Too bad these guys didn't get to her first:
20th Century Fox
"I know we're not the guy with the eye patch, but hear us out ..."
Yup, when you take in the idea that a religiously sheltered girl with mutant powers is tricked into thinking she's doing the devil's work, you're suddenly left with a fucking awesome X-Men spinoff storyline. Think about it: Jean Grey's malevolent alter-ego is a fire-swirling demigod called The Phoenix who, in the films, is psychically repressed by Xavier at an early age, presumably because he didn't want to bury the entire student body every time his academy had a homecoming dance.
"It was Pyro, I swear!"
This makes Carrie either A) a 90-minute infomercial for Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters, or B) an after-school special produced by Magneto on the dangers of not spaying and neutering your neighborhood humans. And that special would be called Carrie: The Girl Who Was Just Too Darn Talented.