Cracked Columnists

7 Celebrity Movie Deaths We Enjoyed Way Too Much

Jennifer Lopez-Jersey Girl

When Jennifer Lopez dies in the first fifteen minutes of Jersey Girl I think audiences are supposed to feel something like sadness. But after years of hearing the tantrums and demands and general entitlement, it's hard not to relax in the few seconds of silence after her passing. Even better, her death isn't dealt by a killer but a tiny child.

In a bold stretch of artistic license, Jennifer Lopez opted to make her last second of consciousness look like maybe she's just as likely to sneeze as die. The fact that Ben Affleck is her husband in the movie only enhances the delight when you consider that he accidentally and indirectly is responsible for killing her. The only thing that could make this scene any more enjoyable is if the baby's umbilical cord unexpectedly wrapped itself around Ben Affleck's neck and choked him out.

Tom Cruise-Valkyrie

Audiences never anticipated that they would see an American made movie set in the 1940s with a German hero. They also never anticipated that they would cheer when that hero was shot in front of a firing squad of Nazis at the end of the film. Valkyrie created a tremendous moral conflict for German moviegoers in particular because they were forced to choose which they hated more: Nazis, or Tom Cruise.

"ScheiÃer!"

For a country that loves putting up with the nonsense from American stars, they draw a fat line in the sand when it comes to Scientology. Germany as a whole was unwilling to let Valkyrie shoot at the Bender Block where the actual Colonel Stauffenberg was killed, specifically because of Tom Cruise's involvement in the film and the thetan infecting his brain.

As begrudging as they were to see Tom Cruise portraying one of Germany's favorite heroes, they must have felt some gratification in knowing that history demanded he be executed by the end of the film.

Dane Cook-Mr. Brooks

Early on in his career, Dan Cook did a bit about the moments when the middle finger isn't enough of an insult, and how the middle combined with the ring finger could be a lot more effectual when the situation demanded it: The Super Finger. In other words, he took an idea created by someone else, already infused with a deep implications and significance, then altered it slightly into something more confusing before claiming it as his own. This seems like a nice analogy for Dane Cook's entire career.

5 minutes in the mirror, every morning.

All of his stadium appearances, merchandise sales and TV appearances are born on the backs of other comedians who were around long before he stumbled into popularity and gutted the soul from their jokes.

There are a lot of reasons to hate Dane Cook, so it's particularly enjoyable to see him murdered on screen. I would equate it to the joy you might feel thinking about an arena packed with people all giving Dane Cook the Super Finger and him mistaking it for praise.

"You can't fuck with the truth and I appreciate that you would indicate that to me with a flash of the [Super Finger]. If someone were to ask me what is so important to me about the SU-FI and how I relate to it, I'd have to say that whenever I see the SU-FI being displayed by people from all walks of life, and throughout the world it reminds me of just how lucky I am to have such amazing fans." -Dane Cook

Recommended For Your Pleasure

Soren Bowie

  • Rss

More by Soren Bowie:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here

538 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!