Tonya Harding - Figure SkatingOver the years, the term "bad boy" has lost a lot of meaning. Any ill-tempered person with a fruity job like food criticism or cake decorating is called The Bad Boy of That Fanciful Activity. Tonya Harding, on the other hand, was a no-bullshit bad boy of figure skating. She was always late to competitions, couldn't keep a coach for more than three emotional breakdowns, and then there was that one time she involved herself in a lunatic plot to break her opponent's leg.
After that, she released a sex tape of her wedding night that made the inventor of the camcorder say, "Now I am become death, the destroyer of worlds." This was actually the greatest accomplishment of Harding's career. Hospitals still use the Tonya Harding sex tape when they need to pump several stomachs at once. Animal control officers use it to get unwanted pets to euthanize themselves. Morticians use it to soften dead bodies, but quickly change the subject if you ask them why.
Tonya once got drunk and threw a hubcap at her boyfriend. She escaped a probably made up abduction by driving her truck into a tree. She beat up Paula Jones in a celebrity boxing match. Her autobiography was originally written in Gorilla. She has made up so many insane stories to the police that when she calls 911, the dispatcher pretends to be a Chinese restaurant. Tonya Harding's back hair keeps nine Clark County wig factories in business.
Tonya is now a professional boxer, but judging by her size, she could easily go pro in gravy drinking or shipping ballast. This maniac looks like an "after" picture in a medical study about peanut allergy deaths.
Viacheslav Datsik - MMAViacheslav Datsik is a Russian MMA fighter who goes into the cage to kick ass and give a fuck -- and he is all out of fuck. He leads with his face like he knows something about faces that we don't. He throws flying two-legged kicks that gravity barely knows what to do with. He thinks the somersault is the end result of thousands of years of martial science. He throws attacks so unrelated to his opponent's location that you'd swear he stepped on a bee hive. He fights like an octopus falling down electrified stairs.
Early in his career, Datsik's tantrum-fu won him four fights including an epileptic knockout over future UFC Heavyweight Champion Andrei Arlovsky. Most of the time, though, he flailed hilariously while the sanity was pounded out of his head. Then, after six straight losses from 2001 to 2003, he vanished. By itself, this wasn't a big deal. In the Russian language, the word for "vanish" is the same word they use for "ordinary" and "boring." People disappear so often in Russia that its topsoil is 40 percent human teeth. The most common high school mascot in Russia is the Armed Kidnapper.
Datsik stayed vanished for four years while he hatched some kind of plot too awesome for us sane people to understand. He reappeared in 2007 to execute a daring heist of one mobile phone from a store in St. Petersburg. His incredible strength also allowed him to steal a pile of cash worth nearly 250 American dollars. After police completed the difficult job of arresting him, the prison psychiatrist completed the easy job of declaring Datsik insane. He was locked away in a high security mental hospital. Three years later, they moved this superhumanly violent lunatic to a minimum security clinic. See if you can spot where they made a mistake.
Datsik tore through a goddamn barbed wire fence with his bare hands, stole a cell phone and escaped to Norway. While there, he dressed like a Nazi and arranged a meeting with reporters to announce that he was racist and not much else. This was to set up the next part of his plan: handing a loaded gun to immigration officials and requesting political asylum. Viacheslav Datsik is the answer to the question, "What's the worst thing that could happen?"
So now, after multiple concussions, a four year disappearance, a diagnosis of schizophrenia, three years in a hospital for the criminally insane, a screaming jog through a barbed wire fence, a Nazi costume and the world's most ridiculous request for political asylum, he gets extradited back to Russia and the psychiatrists now declare him, get this, legally sane. Now I know what Yakov Smirnoff meant when he said that in Soviet Russia fucks don't give you.
Dan Quinn - Football, MMADan Quinn staged his own personal war against drugs and lost. In his hundreds of batshit crazy YouTube rants, he brags about a tackle he made at Notre Dame: the greatest stop in college football history. I don't want to say he's overselling it, but when he finally shows the tape, he's one of 11 people jumping on the fullback. If they made a movie about it, Dan's character would be named "Football Player in Pile." Dan Quinn's Hall of Fame moment sounds like the caterer for Braveheart claiming he won the Oscar for Best Picture.
After single-handedly conquering collegiate football, Dan went on to an unsuccessful career as a mixed martial artist. The head wounds from that, plus the methamphetamines, have left him with only one thing: stevia. Stevia is a type of sweetener that Dan Quinn uses to maintain his ordinary but very shirtless physique. It turns water into soapy water through a process Dan calls "cold fission." None of it makes any sense. The only thing I'm sure of is that Dan used the last of his money to invest in some bizarre artificial sweetener pyramid scheme. Also, Dan Quinn's artificial sweetener brought his mom's cat back from the dead and he called her a bitch for not appreciating it.
For me, the special moments in his videos is when he stops to address only the ladies. I'm not sure if I was supposed to be listening, but Dan has a lovemaking technique that involves jabbing you just above your g-spot by the pubic bone and stomach wall with two fingers and then performing something that sounds like cunnilingus but more disgusting. He describes the female vagina like a fifth century gynecologist with Tourette's Syndrome. Yet somehow, isolated in his mother's guest room, he invented the idea of engaging two erogenous zones at the same time. Sexually speaking, that's not unlike Leonardo da Vinci conceptualizing the helicopter far from the era where it was possible to build one.
In more than one video, Dan claims that this generous technique brought Chris and Karen to orgasm once a minute for over two hours. He never explains who Chris and Karen are, but they've got to be real. Otherwise, why would they have common first names? Dan probably just thinks we know them. "Oh, Karen Karen!? Yeah, that girl goes crazy when you scoop out her pubic bone with two fingers! Last week her jaw seized and now she has to eat by rubbing soup on her teeth!"
Most women are looking for a man who's such a giving lover that he's literally offering it to anyone on the Internet. Luckily, Dan always ends his monologues about vaginas with an invitation to wrap yours around his probing fingers. Strangely, he never says what he's looking for in a woman. If I had to guess, I'd say he's on the kind of dry spell that has him asking petting zoo employees what kind of security they have at night.