So you want to do whatever the opposite of cultural enrichment is and make your own sitcom. It's not that hard -- look how many shows premiere every fall. Your four major networks will probably pump out at least six sitcoms each, and within a month and a half they'll be gone and your only knowledge of them will be a mild headache when you try to remember what happened last Monday at 9 on CBS. That headache is a little, rotten piece of brain matter that will never fully repair itself. It died so that you might not remember that they tried to make a sitcom out of those cavemen characters from Geico commercials.
Sitcoms are pretty easy to slap together because they're all basically the same, in the way every game of Monopoly will be the same -- same pieces, same layout, same sense of impending dread the longer it goes on. To save you some time, I'm going to lay out all the important sitcom characters you'll ever need. Some shows only use a couple; you'll want to take all of them if you want to ensure that your show really lasts. Or fails really fast, it can go either way.
6 The Horny Character
The horny character is a perennial favorite of sitcoms since the 1970s, when sex was discovered. They exist to make awkward sexual jokes and innuendoes and seem to romp about solely in a world of base, debauched desires.
As Seen In: Blanche DuBois, Sam Malone, Kelly Bundy, Mona Robinson, Sandra Clark, Larry Dallas, Joey Tribbiani, Barney Stinson, G.O.B. Bluth
Why This Character: Sex is funny to people -- just look at all the sex articles on Cracked. More importantly, sex should be funny. If sex is too serious, you may be an asshole. Any human who doesn't crack a smile in the face of a queef is a soulless abomination. The horny character is able to express all those perverse inner desires and say those filthy things audience members want to hear but can't express for themselves. Now sure, maybe you're OK with striking up a conversation with a bus driver about fisting, but think of the average shmuck out there who probably gets red in the face when someone says "titmouse." It's for those people that perv characters exist, so they can live vicariously through their TV friend who never gets STDs but has porked the entire greater Los Angeles area thrice this season.
5 The Crabby Old Fart
Old people are hilariously out of touch and have short tempers. Anger is funny when it comes from someone ineffectual and unimportant, like a grandparent or someone no longer valuable to society. These characters are often irrational and confusing, which is great.
As Seen In: Martin Crane, Sophia Petrillo, Frank Barone, every character Jerry Stiller plays, Mr. Roper, Walter Powell, Pearl Shay, Archie Bunker, Fred Sanford, Uncle Phil
Why This Character: Old people are a necessity because they keep us rooted in our own mortality. Who hasn't watched Sanford and Son and thought, "I'm gonna be that asshole and then I'll die." And when you thought it, you thought "gonna," not "going to." Because as an old asshole, you don't care much for grammar anymore.
Old people are hilariously faultless in sitcoms. Because they're from a different time, like back when manners, understanding, empathy, thoughtfulness, and not being shitty didn't exist, they can say and do things the average person would be vilified for. Archie Bunker was a terrible racist and is one of the most beloved sitcom characters ever. How did they ameliorate this? He met a famous black guy in one episode. Somehow that worked.
Old Black Man/Old White Man was the top rated show on CBS in 1981
The reason we like cranky old shit characters is because they get their comeuppance somewhere along the line, usually at the hands of a more likeable younger character. If the old person tried to run the show alone, it would suck, and probably alienate everyone. However, pay lip service to the other side of the coin in a young and therefore correct character, and everyone is happy, because we know the younger star must be right, he's younger. If the old person was right, he wouldn't be so damn old.
Special notice should be paid to The Golden Girls, where somehow the younger character was Bea Arthur, who was as old as the sand dunes borne from her aged womb.