In 2012, everyone has a presence on the Web, even if they don't know it. There's a good chance most hermits have at least appeared in a handful of hilarious picture galleries. If you're running a business, selling a product or writing a manifesto, you need to be online. At least that's what everyone thinks. The problem comes when the people building the sites aren't sure who the hell they're building them for. Then when they're finished, they have a chunk of virtual real estate that pretty much appeals to no one, thanks to it being kind of a tragic piece of shit.
#6. Evangel Cathedral
Evangel Cathedral (WARNING: Loud, awful audio)
This site is like being optically fisted by Jesus himself. Ordinary church websites are something something I can't even finish this sentence, because I've never seen a church website. Do most churches have them? It's doubtful any of them use such aggressive "I'm kicking your brain" flash as this one, however. And it never stops. Shit just keeps coming at you. It's like a Fox News ticker at an evangelical rave trying to finger your throat while it calls you names.
After Bishop Meares is Tron'd into our brains by lightning, the Rapture occurs behind the church proper, and then we're at the ticker tape parade of vaguely menacing, nameless beings and fast-moving words promising eternal salvation or, at the very least, seizures. Make sure your speakers are on so you can listen to the guitar solo of the Lord.
Evangel Cathedral (WARNING: Loud, awful audio)
It's what Jesus would do, if he were designed by the Japanese.
One of the side links is "Camelot," and even after clicking it I don't know what the hell happened. Camelot is apparently a banquet hall where you can hold weddings or fashion shows or God knows what and maybe is part of the church? No time to ask! Zoom! Spwah!
Click on "Events" and BAM! You're looking at the School of Faith and the School of Healing, hosted by First Lady Marion Meares. Is a bishop's wife traditionally called the first lady? Do bishops get married? And for that matter, when the "About" section describes the bishop as a gift to the Body of Christ, isn't that a little presumptuous? No time to question! Zing! Shoo!!
Don't let the name of the site fool you, this site sells hats for your dick. Your dick dick, the one that looks like a penis because it is a penis. Is yours hatless? Time to remedy that shit.
Dick hats are made of chocolate, because why not? The very first damn thing the website says is "ultimate prank that gets you laid." Can you even imagine? Can you go to the comments section right now and just posit some manner of even semi-rational chain of events that would lead to a prank involving a chocolate Viking helmet on your penis that then, somehow, causes you to have sexual relations? Will you do that for me? Because I got together the Cracked team over here and we put all kinds of weird shit on our dicks and no one had any sex at all except Soren Bowie, and I don't think that had anything to do with the hat.
For a mere $9.95 you can outfit your kit with a helmet or a cowboy hat that will not get you laid -- it will get you a man-yeast infection. Scroll down if you're not convinced and you'll see some letters from satisfied customers featuring lines like this: "I received the hat in the mail two days later and that night surprised my little lady with MY chocolate-headed-warrior." It doesn't matter if that's a fake letter or not, someone wrote it. It's out there now.
#4. Foreskin Man
Foreskin Man wants to protect stray penis skin. This shit is so far out of hand, it's hard to decide where to begin. The idea behind the site is that there is a group of people, the website founder being one of them, who believe circumcision is unnecessary. That's cool, a lot of people feel that way. It's certainly an issue some people debate. But it's not the focus of this site.
This site is about the superhero Foreskin Man, who is frustrated by society's inability to stop genital mutilation. So with the power of super boots, he flies around and destroys villainous circumcisors. But he's not alone! Across three issues of his comic, he's joined by Miles Hastwick (his secret identity), who heads the Museum of Genital Integrity; Vulva Girl, who has quite a crotch; and a host of others.
I'm very interested in your floppy dick skin.
On the other side of the fence, Foreskin Man has to deal with Dr. Edric Griswold, who, upon seeing an intact, healthy foreskin, transforms into the monstrous Dr. Mutilator. No, really. He Dr. Jekylls his ass into a monster and it's caused by foreskin. Deal with that, Chris Hansen. Later issues introduce a nefarious mohel who is, of course, known as Monster Mohel and will circumcise your child at gunpoint if need be. Traditionally he's the greatest villain in all of Judaism.
And while that's all fine and good, here's Foreskin Man's theme song:
It features the lines "Foreskin Man, I want that slip and slide. Won't you please come glide inside?" Is that what people opposed to circumcisions are concerned with, a baby's ability to pork some lady in a satisfying manner? Did any of the media outlets linked off of Foreskin Man's media page take notice of that? Don't base circumcision decisions on what you anticipate a baby's future ability to sex a whory-sounding broad will be. Your point, no matter what it is, is significantly lessened if your argument is in any way based on infant slip 'n' slide vagina induction.