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6 Ways Iron Man Is Objectively Better Than Batman

#3. Iron Man's Tactics Are a Better Selfish Waste of Ridiculously Advanced Technology

Both "heroes" are ridiculously selfish billionaires abusing privilege like they hired it to wear a gimp mask in their basement. Note how this would only fit the actual strategy of one of the two.

Warner Bros
And several of his villains.

Both hoard technology that could revolutionize society just to "revolutionize" the faces of anyone who looks at them funny. Tony Stark uses functional AI and a free power source to drunk drive in a way there aren't laws against yet, but at least he enjoys it. This might sound like a bad thing for a man loaded with more weaponry and alcohol than every pirate in history put together, but if a madman is burning through a thousand dollars per second, I'd prefer to know that at least he likes it.

Oh, and in the current comics, he's working on infinite free energy for the world. So there's that.

Bruce Wayne embezzles more funds than Enron and uses it to hunt poor people for sport. And he doesn't enjoy it. When you see Bruce Wayne brooding over his inability to stop crime while he could buy the entire GCPD body armor and a bigger fence for Arkham and still have change to get some therapy, it's just annoying. Don't forget The Dark Knight's total perfect anti-crime surveillance system. That thing made Minority Report look like a bloody horoscope, and Batman only used it once, to prove that a man who wears a cape and clings to your roof doesn't give a shit about your privacy. Then he blew it up, because "something something privacy."

Warner Bros
"I only did it once, so it's OK. That's how crime and utter violation of personal space work, right?"

So to all the kids kidnapped or disappeared in Gotham from now on: tough luck, assholes. Batman never wanted to have sex with you like he did with Maggie Gyllenhaal, so you don't get to be instantly located and saved. This is the one time where Gotham children would have been safer if all those tired jokes about gay Robin child-sex had been true.

#2. Iron Man Is Portrayed by a More Suitable Actor

If you're talking about comic book movies, you have to mention the actors. They're the Internet psychopath's favorite way of claiming something will suck months before it even exists. So it's good that both had the most perfect players possible without involving genetic engineering.

Getty
This could be a shot of the actor or the character. It's impossible to tell. And don't tell me Tony Stark wouldn't put up posters of his own suits.

Robert Downey Jr. was stuck being a boyfriend on the wimpy romantic legal comedy Ally McBeal, the exact opposite role to Iron Man, until he got fired for drug offenses and became the ultimate Method actor. Since then, he's become Tony Stark and Sherlock Holmes, the two best drug abusers in fictional history. Christian Bale is also the perfect Batman: American Psycho was ideal practice for a wealthy lunatic indulging in violence every night, while Equilibrium and The Machinist perfect the emotionally deficient psychopath aspects of the exact same thing.

#1. Iron Man Never Caused Hell on Earth

It might be a minor point, but Tony Stark never cast thousands of innocent poor people into a murderer-filled hell on Earth. Sure, he might have dumped parts of an experimental superweapon a few miles from terrorists who wanted an experimental superweapon, but he literally paid the price for that. Everything blown up from that point on belonged to Stark: the arc reactor, the F1 car, the Stark Expo. Hell, even all the terrorist weapons he exploded were technically his. The worst collateral damage was the Stark Industries bottom line.

Paramount Pictures
And be honest: You'd pay just to do this if you could.

Batman discovered a legendary group of highly trained assassins led by a madman sworn to destroy Gotham, and his best plan was "Piss him off, save his life and forget about him." This directly led to the entire population of Arkham Asylum escaping into the Gotham slums. At the same time, Ra's al Ghul vaporized the fear gas on his way to the central hub. Sure, Batman stopped him from destroying the entire city, but only after the poorest section of the city was flooded with hallucination-causing fear gas and actual injury-causing rapists and murderers. The Narrows became the eleventh circle of hell. And with all the chaos in the richer parts of the city the train ran through, it'll be days before the police arrive, and even that's where you're imagining a double-fictional world where the Gotham PD can so much as wipe their asses without Batsisstance.

Make no mistake, dozens of people died during the action-packed finale.

And Batman is still the second-best hero in existence. I'm just saying that if you want someone to save your life, maybe choose the guy who likes being alive and is prepared to publicly admit that he's doing it.

Disagree with Luke? Great! Ridiculous discussions are the third most popular thing on the Internet after breasts, and he honestly only wrote this article because his wife refuses to have these discussions with him. She's also why he doesn't need the Internet's breasts. He's looking forward to counterarguments that aren't based on swearing.

For more Avenging action, check out The 5 Worst Avengers of All Time. Luke also tumbles, has a website and will discuss absolutely any super vs. super battle he understands the names of.

For more superheroics, behold The 7 Most Spectacularly Hilariously Mismatched Superhero Battles and The 8 Worst X-Men Ever.

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Luke McKinney

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