As we've told you roughly one million times, news websites sometimes play fast and loose with little details such as "double-checking their sources" or "making sure what they're saying is even remotely true." But, making up stories about some crazy thing that happened in a village in China is one thing; messing with our health is another. We can, at least, trust the news to get matters of life and death correct, right? Uh, right?
Turns out, nope. Some recent medical news stories are about as accurate as the "Plastic Surgeons Hate Her!" and "One Secret Trick To Grow Horns" spam ads decorating those selfsame articles. For example:
6 Wine Won't Kill You With Arsenic
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Perhaps due to all the pressure to live up to generational cohorts such as Shia LaBeouf or Paris Hilton, millennials are drinking more wine than any 20-somethings ever before -- and, since we also have no money, the wine we buy tends to be cheaper. So, it probably put the fear of God in you when you heard from sources such as CBS, Slate, and Daily Mail that the high levels of arsenic in low-priced wines is going to kill everyone who drinks them. There's even a class action lawsuit about this currently going on in California, where cheap wine accounts for like half of the economy.
"The Bachelor ratings plummet."
And yes, it's true that the levels of arsenic are "dangerously high" ... for water -- which, unless you manage to pull a reverse-Jesus, isn't the same as wine. Putting arsenic in your wine sounds like some evil-soap-opera-stepmother shit, but we're talking about extremely tiny amounts here; there's also arsenic in other agricultural products such as juice or grains. Unless you're drinking two liters of the absolute cheapest wine a day, you are going to be fine. And if you're drinking that much alcohol in a 24-hour period, you have much more serious issues to deal with.
Like growing a suitable beard or fighting cats for your turf.
As for the company that did all of the testing, wouldn't you know it -- they just happen to sell a kit that you can use to test the arsenic levels in your wine before going on your daily bender.
5 Feeling Lonely Can't Kill You
Do you feel lonely from time to time? Congratulations! You're gonna die! At least, you might -- according to Express, CNN, and The Huffington Post, who recently reported that just being lonely can increase your chance of death by a shocking 30 percent. So, go out there, and marry the first person you find! Your life might suck as a result, but at least you'll still have one.
"The Bachelor ratings and wine sales soar."
The problem here -- besides the fact that telling already lonely people that their loneliness will kill them is kind of a dick move -- is that what's on those headlines isn't exactly what the study found. What actually increases your risk of death is extended isolation -- if you spend all of your time in your house with no company but your cartoon ponies, that could lead to an early death for a number of reasons. It could be a sign that you have an underlying health problem, such as depression. It could even just be because you don't have the financial means to go out or travel to see friends often. Or, maybe, you'll slip and hit your head, and your cats will eat your face.
"Where are your hobos now?"
All of those things increase your risk of death. But, feeling lonely isn't going to kill you, unless you get deep into autoerotic asphyxiation or whatever.