By now you've probably "heard about" the Hulk Hogan sex tape which axe-bombed $140 million out of Gawker's sweaty hands. And if you haven't, then you probably "heard about" that staged sex tape Farrah Abraham made with James Deen. And if you haven't, then you probably "heard about" that scumshit "Fappening" hack of nude celebrity photos.
Good thing you had this tissue to clean your ears after all that hearing you did!
In fact, whether you're a Paraguayan orphan or a millionaire Russian prizefighter, there's like an 80 percent chance you've seen Scarlett Johansson's butt. And that's weird. Not just for Scarlett Johansson, but for the entire world. Because while it's publicly understood that leaking someone's sex tape is immoral as fuck, that hasn't stopped us from trivializing it in the same dumb ways every single time. For example ...
6 We Treat Male Celebrity Sex Tapes Like A Joke
Gerardo Mora/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
When news broke that Hollywood Hogan humped his homie's honey on camera, the media couldn't help but to report it with shit-slathered smirking.
Keep in mind that this was before we learned that Hulkamania was also a big racist-face, which means these people were taking pot shots purely because they thought this guy looked funny. And while you might not care about the feelings of some rich idiot, when you imagine spending a day of your life reading everywhere about how wizened and silly your dick looks, it's not hard to figure out why he was awarded money for emotional damages.
Because male celebrity sex tapes are treated like a joke. Especially when they are leaked by rubbish, snide sources ...
It's hard to be impressed by a dude's junk when you're a giant dick.
I've lost count of how many times I've called Gawker an exploitative, lying, condom heap of a news organization. But with their recent legal problems, here's hoping I won't have to much longer. And with the risk of agreeing with a bunch of dipshit MRA forum commenters, there's no denying the glaring hypocrisy they implement toward male celebrity nudes.
We've talked about this lack of outrage before on the site, but the problem expands into the entire Internet blatantly mocking any male celebrity who gets their willy leaked. When Fred Durst sued Gawker for carrying on over the size of his limp bizkit, Gawker responded by bravely doubling down.
You know you suck when, between Fred Durst and lawyers, you're still the biggest asshole involved.
Nothing. Just say fucking nothing.
Because this goes way beyond the media being dicks to dick pics to a larger problem about male celebrities not being allowed to get upset over it. When Justin Bieber's eenie meanie found its way online, his own father publicly made a joke about it. When Pete Wentz's boy fell out, he blamed himself and said he laughed it off a day later. Even Kanye West addressed his nude leak by lamenting that the photo had cut off part of his junk.
And before you say that "men are simply less sensitive" about having their johnsons exposed, try to watch this video of Chris Brown being ambushed about his penis leak after previously hanging up on an interviewer for bringing it up:
Ignoring what he's saying and the overall depressing fact that Chris Brown exists, you can tell by his fidgety eye-covering body language that he's clearly embarrassed and uncomfortable, but afraid of losing face. Because no one likes having their naked bodies paraded against their will -- not even girlfriend-beaters and do-rag-wearing bigots.
WWE, RCA Records, Interscope Records
Are you happy, Internet? THESE are the people you've forced me to defend.
5 We've Been Using The Same Stupid Justification Forever
Brenda Chase/Hulton Archive/Getty Images
Even if you agree with this column so far, you're no doubt having trouble avoiding the small part of your brain that keeps repeating, "Who gives a shit about these rich assholes? If famous people didn't want their nude pictures on the internet, they shouldn't be stupid enough to take them in the first place!" That part of your brain is called the Douchephalon, and it controls your higher asshole functions.
Patrick J. Lynch/Wiki Commons
It's between the Shituitary and Hypoassholemus.
But I get it. Chris Brown certainly deserves zero of our concern, right? The problem is that this line of thinking turns Batman-level insane when applied across the board. We can't pick and choose which celebrities deserve what embarrassment ... even though that's totally what we're trying to do.
This random commenter's opinion is actually shared by Bloomberg View, and was used during the trial by Gawker's defense. It simply goes that if Hulk Hogan openly discussed his sex life to the public, then shouldn't a video of him having sex be considered newsworthy?
Quick lesson in what's newsworthy versus what's not newsworthy: When Hulk Hogan was taped admitting he's a racist, it was newsworthy because the story was about a heavily influential performer and entrepreneur having a serious bias that could affect his business relations and decisions. When Hulk Hogan was taped railing his friend's wife, it was not newsworthy because the story was about a heavily influential performer and entrepreneur railing his friend's fucking wife.
Saying that Hulk Hogan's sex tape is up for grabs because he uses sex in his persona is like saying that you should be able to legally punch Johnny Knoxville because he gets hurt on camera. It's like saying you should be able to rape a porn star because they do rough sex scenes (which is something that has actually happened, you guys). It's insanity when applied to literally any other situation.
It was also a completely legitimate argument in the eyes of the law back in 1997.
When a disgruntled electrician broke into their safe and released the sex tape he found inside of it, Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee couldn't legally stop Penthouse from publishing the stolen images because the court decided that the actress regularly talking about her sex life in public made her case invalid. Holy. Fucking. Balls.
Are you starting to see how fucking greasy this argument becomes when you take it to the logical limits? People pretend that there's a gray area, but the line couldn't be more clear if it was made with screaming light bulbs covered in lava. But of course, that part of your brain is already thinking the thing I think it's thinking, which is, "Boo-hoo! How sad that these poor rich folks got even richer off their sex tapes!"
Well your brain is a sarcastic prick, sir or madam, because ...