6Survival Horror Should Be Scary__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__
__new_line__Didn't Get It: Resident Evil__new_line__Resident Evil was as scary as the number at the bottom of a tax bill: you knew exactly what was coming and where it would be when you started if you'd bothered paying attention to one of these before. Capcom's Japanese department mistranslated "survival horror" as "point your gun at every window you see." A dying police officer spent the second game telling me to save myself, and I did so by pointing my shotgun at him at all times. When he inevitably leaped at me it was more disappointment after a longer buildup than my first kiss, with the same amount of failed biting. They used "jumping out and shouting BOO!" as the plot for three games, and anyone who could actually be scared by one couldn't work enough hands to pick up the controller.__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__
__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__Every window installed by Umbrella corporation comes with a free monster.
Got it: Silent Hill__new_line____new_line__The first Silent Hill on the other hand was scarier than waking up next to the girl from The Ring wearing a broken condom. It could scare the shit out of you when nothing was happening after a week without fiber. Little things like music, fog, the flies buzzing round the blood-soaked blanket draped over a broken wheelchair in the corner. __new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__
__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__The core difference was effort. When Silent Hill wanted you to run around the level it kidnapped your daughter and posted bloody riddles which left you staring at a broken piano for a full minute, and enraptured by every second. Resident Evil says, "You need a [BLUE] emblem" and waits for you to piss off and find it. They connected a random number generator to a dictionary instead of hiring a designer. They didn't even say "you need a crowbar, maybe check the garage" because that level of object recognition gets tiring when you install 50 fetch quests instead of a plot. Protip: Working as a delivery boy has many negative aspects, but "soul-chilling terror" is not one of them. __new_line____new_line__
__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__Anyone who didn't piss themselves at this point is lying or dehydrated.
5Story Serves Gameplay__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__
__new_line__Didn't Get It: Metal Gear Solid series__new_line____new_line__Metal Gear Solid was the K-T extinction asteroid of 3D gaming. Before it struck, warm-blooded gamers suffered under clumsy, lumbering games which were as three dimensional as the pyramids: they had depth but moved at the speed of continental drift and were visibly blocky from four miles away. Metal Gear kicked the entire industry in the ass, and to this day Psycho Mantis is the only individual who could convince many gamers to put the controller down for a second.__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__
__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__Unfortunately Hideo Kojima thought this was because he included a personalized War and Peace for every character, rather than just having good characters and letting you kill them. The rest of the series is summed up by the "submit to torture" ending of the first game: Solid Snake saves the nerd who talks too much instead of his true love. Metal Gear Solid 2 was the world's first tactical nagging simulator. The main character Raiden was such a painful pussy the FOXHOUND special forces were rezoned as a maternity ward for the game. The fourth game elevated video game meta-conflict by trying to defeat the player with relentlessly extended cut-scenes instead of bullets. __new_line____new_line__Got It: Half-Life series__new_line____new_line__Gordon Freeman is the smartest first person shooter ever, and proves it by kicking ass and shutting up. His refusal to speak even once demonstrates more respect for his user than the Emperor's Geishii.__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__
__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__Luckily gasmasks and rubberwear are already an established fetish.
__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__They had inhumanly photoshopped fetishes way before computers.
__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__This is a man who ripped a hole in reality rather than stop for one second to ask, "Should we be doing this incredibly dangerous experiment with me at ground zero?" He figured that slowing the game down by 13 words was a worse fate than ending the world, and for that he's the greatest action hero of all time.__new_line____new_line__
__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__This is basically internet commenting.