6 Video Game Endings That Are Clearly F#@%ing With Us

Like most of you, I've been through a lot of video games in my life. I was there before the games had endings, or, for that matter, even a point. So, when the mid-'80s introduced actual storylines to the industry, it was huge. We weren't just playing for a high score anymore. We were playing to see what happened next. How the protagonist turned out. How the bad guy was defeated. What homoerotic cut scene we would be rewarded with after 40 hours of gameplay.

Wait, what?

#6. Tekken 5 -- Lee Chaolan's Extremely Homoerotic Ending

Via Tekken Wikia

The Game

Tekken is one of the most revered fighting games of all time. Mostly because it has a diverse cast of characters, each with his or her own background and motivation for fighting, ranging from drama to comedy to horror. And of course, ridiculous objectification bordering on criminal perversion:

"Let's go with B, because I see no other outfit on that list."

All the characters, including the hidden, unlockable ones, have their own ending, so there's plenty of reason to play through the game multiple times. That is, until you get to Lee Chaolan, at which point you put down the controller and look for a trustworthy adult to have a very, very long conversation with.

The WTF Ending

I need you to imagine something before I show you this. I want you to picture yourself as a young teen on Christmas morning. You open a small video-game-shaped gift that you've been begging your parents to get you for weeks. With an excitement you haven't felt since you still believed in Santa Claus, you push your other gifts aside and fire up Tekken 5. Your parents smile proudly, so happy to see you enjoying their present, and watch as you pick a character -- Lee Chaolan -- quite at random and begin mowing through opponent after opponent, showcasing an impressive display of grace and fluidity in the movements that you could never possess in real life.

And then you beat it. With pride, your family watches from beneath a pile of wrapping paper on the couch, your siblings gleefully glancing up while playing with their own toys. And then this happens:

If you're afraid to watch that because you're at work or because you have eyes, I'll recap it. Lee is stretched out poolside across a sunbathing chair as a woman slowly massages his legs and tries desperately not to look directly at his bulging Speedo. The camera slowly tracks up his rippling body, stopping only to focus on his barely contained cock before fading to a side shot:

Lee is thirsty. So he calls to his personal servant, who walks over to him in the most womanly way I've ever seen a not-woman walk, starting with his ass pressed directly into the camera and never panning up until he's made his trip. At which point it focuses on his big ol' floppy balls:

The man asks Lee what he wants, and Lee responds, "Two fingers," holding them up with a look that says, "I'm not talking about bar terminology for a shot. I mean I want to put these two fingers inside your asshole. Or vice versa." That's when you realize that the man he's speaking to is the final boss of the game ... and if you paid close enough attention to the storylines, you'll remember that he's also Lee's adoptive father.

So why doesn't the guy tell Lee to go fuck himself and get his own drink? Because the Chippendales bow tie that Lee is forcing him to wear is explosive, and Lee holds the detonator.

So just to recap, Lee Chaolan has beaten his adoptive father in a martial arts battle. Then he put him in an explosive bow tie, stripped them both down to near-thong Speedos, and forced his dad to serve alcohol poolside ... all while Lee's head never leaves cock height. There is not a doubt in my mind that the makers of that cut scene had to delete 40 minutes of video because the rating system would not allow for a full-length hardcore gay porno.

#5. Conduit 2 Summons Dead Presidents

Via Purenintendo.com

The Game

It's a first-person shooter. Name whatever shooter you want, and it's that. Modern Warfare? Sure. It's Modern Warfare, except slightly different. Halo? Sure, let's go with that -- it's Halo without that pink needle-shooting gun. Army of Two? I've never played it, but sure, why the hell not?

Wait, in this one, you can hide behind cover!

The WTF Ending

Now, I've been told that if you play through Conduit 2, there are in-game files scattered all over the place that you can pick up and read. And those files sort of fill you in on the story and lore of that universe. And further, that if you get all of those files and take the time to construct the story from what information they divulge, the following ending makes absolutely perfect sense:

Every last one of those people who told me that can lick my asshole. This is so much better without knowing what the fuck led up to Halo-armor-wearing Abraham Lincoln and George Washington stepping out of a futuristic Stargate (goddamn, was any of this original?) type of portal and offering their military support. Why, why, why would you ever want to ruin that with an explanation? If putting it into perspective ruins the surreality of those two people stepping through a glowy space hole and offering their futuristic space shooty support ... keep that shit to yourself. I don't want to know. Ever.

Now, if you're hell-bent on knowing why that little glowing ball thing shot a beam of light out of our galaxy and into another, instantly, and why a group of our forefathers warped in from outer space to help out Chad NotHalo, you could always click this link and read up on it.

And then you could promptly go fuck yourself, because if you just can't live without knowing the "why" in that situation, you reside in a different goddamn universe from the rest of us.

#4. SiN Ends With a Ridiculous Hypersexual Cliche

Via Playdownstation.com

The Game

SiN is an old-school PC game that was basically there to say, "Hey, remember, we can still make games for computers! Look how gritty we can be!" It was promptly followed by a catastrophic clusterfuck that required patches so large, they had to distribute them on CDs (they were too big to download on the standard 56k connections of the time). As far as the game itself, it was a Quake II clone with some story tacked on about mutants and ... tits or something. Mostly it was about shooting, though.

The WTF Ending

So the ending starts out with the hero walking toward a flashing red button that's supposed to stop a countdown of some sort ... because countdowns are stopped by giant red flashing buttons. Just as he's ready to hit it, he's interrupted by Evil Female Laugh Version 6-B. Because evidently flashing buttons are hilarious. This causes the hero to not push the button, electing to pull out his gun instead. You can't do both. We all know that from experience.

"Now slowly, deliberately tell me your plan."

Blade (yep, that's what they named him) continues pointing his gun at the woman and talking about how he's going to kill her while repeatedly not killing her. Meanwhile, she talks nonstop shit about how she's going to lobotomize him and turn him into her pet. And while we all know that's not how lobotomies work, it's still far less stupid than what she does next.

Oh. We're going that route.

She spreads her legs and starts talking dirty.

Now keep this in mind, because unlike Conduit 2, perspective actually is important here: As the hero, you have fought your way through everything she's thrown at you. You've known that she's been the antagonist for quite some time. You know that her plan is to launch nuclear missiles and turn the entire world's population into mutants, using her mutant ... goo ... thing. You know she has no inner turmoil about the idea of killing you because she's sent hundreds of her henchmen to their deaths trying to do just that. So when you finally get to her and are ready to stop the utter destruction of humankind, she tries to play up to your dick?

"Wait, you're willing to fuck me? Why didn't you say so? I would have helped you destroy mankind a long time ago!"

But wait, it was all just a ruse! Instead of pulling up her skirt and showing him her crotch like we all fully expected, she reveals a hidden button! Duhn duhn DUUUUUUUUHN!

"How am I supposed to fuck that?"

Blade pulls the trigger right as she vanishes, the bullet passing through the chair, and she escapes. It appears that she's somehow turned herself into electricity, uploaded into a rocket, and then fired herself off in four different directions in four different capsules. As far as I can remember and as far as my research has backed up, this ability is never once mentioned or even hinted at anywhere in the game up until this exact moment. It's like a playground game of superheroes where you just keep changing the rules until one of you says, "Nope, you can't kill me because I'm invincible." Only in titty form.

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