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Like most of you, I've been through a lot of video games in my life. I was there before the games had endings, or, for that matter, even a point. So, when the mid-'80s introduced actual storylines to the industry, it was huge. We weren't just playing for a high score anymore. We were playing to see what happened next. How the protagonist turned out. How the bad guy was defeated. What homoerotic cut scene we would be rewarded with after 40 hours of gameplay.

Wait, what?

6
Tekken 5 -- Lee Chaolan's Extremely Homoerotic Ending

Via Tekken Wikia

The Game

Tekken is one of the most revered fighting games of all time. Mostly because it has a diverse cast of characters, each with his or her own background and motivation for fighting, ranging from drama to comedy to horror. And of course, ridiculous objectification bordering on criminal perversion:


"Let's go with B, because I see no other outfit on that list."

All the characters, including the hidden, unlockable ones, have their own ending, so there's plenty of reason to play through the game multiple times. That is, until you get to Lee Chaolan, at which point you put down the controller and look for a trustworthy adult to have a very, very long conversation with.

The WTF Ending

I need you to imagine something before I show you this. I want you to picture yourself as a young teen on Christmas morning. You open a small video-game-shaped gift that you've been begging your parents to get you for weeks. With an excitement you haven't felt since you still believed in Santa Claus, you push your other gifts aside and fire up Tekken 5. Your parents smile proudly, so happy to see you enjoying their present, and watch as you pick a character -- Lee Chaolan -- quite at random and begin mowing through opponent after opponent, showcasing an impressive display of grace and fluidity in the movements that you could never possess in real life.

And then you beat it. With pride, your family watches from beneath a pile of wrapping paper on the couch, your siblings gleefully glancing up while playing with their own toys. And then this happens:

If you're afraid to watch that because you're at work or because you have eyes, I'll recap it. Lee is stretched out poolside across a sunbathing chair as a woman slowly massages his legs and tries desperately not to look directly at his bulging Speedo. The camera slowly tracks up his rippling body, stopping only to focus on his barely contained cock before fading to a side shot:

Lee is thirsty. So he calls to his personal servant, who walks over to him in the most womanly way I've ever seen a not-woman walk, starting with his ass pressed directly into the camera and never panning up until he's made his trip. At which point it focuses on his big ol' floppy balls:

The man asks Lee what he wants, and Lee responds, "Two fingers," holding them up with a look that says, "I'm not talking about bar terminology for a shot. I mean I want to put these two fingers inside your asshole. Or vice versa." That's when you realize that the man he's speaking to is the final boss of the game ... and if you paid close enough attention to the storylines, you'll remember that he's also Lee's adoptive father.

So why doesn't the guy tell Lee to go fuck himself and get his own drink? Because the Chippendales bow tie that Lee is forcing him to wear is explosive, and Lee holds the detonator.

So just to recap, Lee Chaolan has beaten his adoptive father in a martial arts battle. Then he put him in an explosive bow tie, stripped them both down to near-thong Speedos, and forced his dad to serve alcohol poolside ... all while Lee's head never leaves cock height. There is not a doubt in my mind that the makers of that cut scene had to delete 40 minutes of video because the rating system would not allow for a full-length hardcore gay porno.

5
Conduit 2 Summons Dead Presidents

Via Purenintendo.com

The Game

It's a first-person shooter. Name whatever shooter you want, and it's that. Modern Warfare? Sure. It's Modern Warfare, except slightly different. Halo? Sure, let's go with that -- it's Halo without that pink needle-shooting gun. Army of Two? I've never played it, but sure, why the hell not?


Wait, in this one, you can hide behind cover!

The WTF Ending

Now, I've been told that if you play through Conduit 2, there are in-game files scattered all over the place that you can pick up and read. And those files sort of fill you in on the story and lore of that universe. And further, that if you get all of those files and take the time to construct the story from what information they divulge, the following ending makes absolutely perfect sense:

Every last one of those people who told me that can lick my asshole. This is so much better without knowing what the fuck led up to Halo-armor-wearing Abraham Lincoln and George Washington stepping out of a futuristic Stargate (goddamn, was any of this original?) type of portal and offering their military support. Why, why, why would you ever want to ruin that with an explanation? If putting it into perspective ruins the surreality of those two people stepping through a glowy space hole and offering their futuristic space shooty support ... keep that shit to yourself. I don't want to know. Ever.

Now, if you're hell-bent on knowing why that little glowing ball thing shot a beam of light out of our galaxy and into another, instantly, and why a group of our forefathers warped in from outer space to help out Chad NotHalo, you could always click this link and read up on it.

And then you could promptly go fuck yourself, because if you just can't live without knowing the "why" in that situation, you reside in a different goddamn universe from the rest of us.

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4
SiN Ends With a Ridiculous Hypersexual Cliche

Via Playdownstation.com

The Game

SiN is an old-school PC game that was basically there to say, "Hey, remember, we can still make games for computers! Look how gritty we can be!" It was promptly followed by a catastrophic clusterfuck that required patches so large, they had to distribute them on CDs (they were too big to download on the standard 56k connections of the time). As far as the game itself, it was a Quake II clone with some story tacked on about mutants and ... tits or something. Mostly it was about shooting, though.

The WTF Ending

So the ending starts out with the hero walking toward a flashing red button that's supposed to stop a countdown of some sort ... because countdowns are stopped by giant red flashing buttons. Just as he's ready to hit it, he's interrupted by Evil Female Laugh Version 6-B. Because evidently flashing buttons are hilarious. This causes the hero to not push the button, electing to pull out his gun instead. You can't do both. We all know that from experience.


"Now slowly, deliberately tell me your plan."

Blade (yep, that's what they named him) continues pointing his gun at the woman and talking about how he's going to kill her while repeatedly not killing her. Meanwhile, she talks nonstop shit about how she's going to lobotomize him and turn him into her pet. And while we all know that's not how lobotomies work, it's still far less stupid than what she does next.


Oh. We're going that route.

She spreads her legs and starts talking dirty.

Now keep this in mind, because unlike Conduit 2, perspective actually is important here: As the hero, you have fought your way through everything she's thrown at you. You've known that she's been the antagonist for quite some time. You know that her plan is to launch nuclear missiles and turn the entire world's population into mutants, using her mutant ... goo ... thing. You know she has no inner turmoil about the idea of killing you because she's sent hundreds of her henchmen to their deaths trying to do just that. So when you finally get to her and are ready to stop the utter destruction of humankind, she tries to play up to your dick?


"Wait, you're willing to fuck me? Why didn't you say so? I would have helped you destroy mankind a long time ago!"

But wait, it was all just a ruse! Instead of pulling up her skirt and showing him her crotch like we all fully expected, she reveals a hidden button! Duhn duhn DUUUUUUUUHN!


"How am I supposed to fuck that?"

Blade pulls the trigger right as she vanishes, the bullet passing through the chair, and she escapes. It appears that she's somehow turned herself into electricity, uploaded into a rocket, and then fired herself off in four different directions in four different capsules. As far as I can remember and as far as my research has backed up, this ability is never once mentioned or even hinted at anywhere in the game up until this exact moment. It's like a playground game of superheroes where you just keep changing the rules until one of you says, "Nope, you can't kill me because I'm invincible." Only in titty form.

3
Mortal Kombat 4 Just Stops Giving a Fuck

Via Andydecarli.com

The Game

If you don't know what Mortal Kombat is, we can never be friends. Not even on a "let's just compare genital tattoos" level. This game not only is one of the forefathers of the entire fighting game genre; it revolutionized graphics and the use of gore, and pretty much caused the creation of the ESRB (that little parental ratings box that almost everyone ignores) because of its famous "fatality" ending moves.


Oh, come on, that's just a severed head with his spine hanging down from it. Pussies.

The WTF Ending

Just like in Tekken, the characters have their own stories and their own endings. In the case of one named Jax, that story was pretty simple. He was a cop, partnered with another cop/fighter named Sonya, and they were investigating the case of "Who Gives a Shit -- Just Kick Motherfuckers." At one point, it's presumed that Jax is dead, and Jarek -- the man they were after -- confronts Sonya (keep in mind, this is totally Jax's ending):

It's hard to put into words just how bad that acting is. But if I had to compare it to something in the real world, it would be when a little kid is playing with action figures, and he just starts slapping them together, making up his own little script as he goes along, changing his voice ever so slightly to differentiate between the two characters that he's created. I'm positive that's exactly what's going on in that cut scene.

It starts out with Sonya and the bad guy talking shit to each other. Then the bad guy decides to lunge at her while she's clearly standing at the edge of a cliff -- seriously, even if he connected, he would still be so fucked. But even stranger, as pretty much anyone who's ever seen this ending will attest to, Jarek clearly screams, "I'M SO GAAAAAAAY" as he falls to his apparent death.


"I'M SO GAAAAAAAAY!"

I say "apparent death" because seconds later, he appears out of nowhere and pulls Sonya over the edge, killing her. Evidently he just faked the sound of his voice trailing off into the depths, echo and all. Then he stomps on her radio and lets out the single stupidest, creepiest, most bizarre laugh I have ever heard in any format as long as I have been alive. If you don't watch any other part of this video, at least skip up to the 38-second mark and listen to it. And remember while you're listening, someone got paid to do that. And a director listened to it and said, "Yes, this is exactly what we need. Perfect."

Finally, over halfway through his ending, Jax shows up and grabs Jarek (or "Chad Laughstupid," as I call him) by the throat and hangs him over the edge of the cliff. What follows is one of the stupidest exchanges I can remember in a video game. Jarek pleads for his life, demanding that Jax has to arrest him and uphold the law -- because he apparently forgot about the dozen people that Jax just killed for sport in an illegal fighting tournament. He says, "You have to arrest me! Wait, wait! This is brutality!" To which Jax responds, "Wrong, Jarek. This is not a brutality. This is a fatality!"


And then Jax drops Jarek to his death onto a SimCity map.

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2
Dynasty Warriors 5 Turns a Legendary General into an Effeminate Dancer

Via Ultimategame.es

The Game

Dynasty Warriors 5 is based on a 14th century historical novel, Romance of the Three Kingdoms, which is considered to be one of the greatest books to ever come out of China. Now obviously, a video game isn't going to live up to an 800,000-word novel that contains literally a thousand characters, but it does what it can. And even if you don't know anything about the book, at it's core the game is you beating the shit out of hundreds and hundreds of punching-bag soldiers. And really, that's all you can ask for in a good game.

The WTF Ending

Then that happened.

The guy in the extremely feminine purple outfit with the flamboyant pink-and-gold feathery weapons is supposed to be legendary Chinese general Zhang He. If you want to read up about the actual man, feel free, but I'm going to just pretend that the depiction in the video is spot-on.


"Has anyone seen my Madonna CDs?"

Everything about him is just so goddamn fun to watch. I keep imagining the director getting a call at like 9 a.m. from a crew supervisor, saying, "Sir, the motion capture model for Zhang He quit. I've got a backup, but full disclosure, she's a stripper I met the other night at a buddy's bachelor party." And at that point, he just didn't give a shit. He hadn't had his coffee or his morning cigarette yet. He was still coming off of a wicked Everclear drunk from the night before. "It couldn't be that bad," he'd think to himself.


Oh, it could. It so could.

So after all the brutality and cruelty of war, Zhang He clinches his victory. He stands before his men to give an inspirational victory speech. They stand attentive and proud. Zhang makes the big announcement and then follows up with "Now, everyone, show your joy. Not with your blade. But with a dance!" Swords go shooting through the air as the men erupt into a perfectly choreographed dance number, backed by the most horrible song you've ever heard. I'm honestly surprised they didn't start stuffing dollars in his pants after a few seconds.


"Um ... sir? Some of the men are starting to question your insistence upon our new uniforms."

1
Zelda: The Wand of Gamelon Is an Animated Nightmare

Via Zeldacapital.com

The Game

At one point in the early 1990s, Philips had a deal with Nintendo to add a CD drive to the console. Nintendo backed out, but the part of the deal that stuck was that Philips would have rights to three Zelda games for their own console called the CD-i. That's about as far as Nintendo took it. They were barely involved at all, and they basically pretended that the games didn't exist when they did come out.


Eh, it just looks like a normal game. What's so bad about that?

As a game, Zelda: The Wand of Gamelon was actually praised pretty highly, even though it was just a basic side scroller. That's because at the time, nobody else had put out a game with CD-quality sound and full animation. But after a few years had gone by and the technology made a huge leap forward, people were able to look past the novelty and take a good hard stare at the content. And what they saw was horrifying.

The WTF Ending

Holy mother of Christ, what the fuck did we just see there? Which one of you dirty sonsabitches provoked Satan with a dare?

OK, let's calm down and take this step by step. First, let's just get it out of the way right now that these animations were obviously drawn by one of the producers' children by clinching crayons between their ass cheeks:


"Daddy, is this good? Daddy? Are you awake? Why do you smell like 'grown-up juice' again?"

But even if you can look past that, the conversation sounds like a party game where everyone writes down a sentence, puts it into a hat, and then pulls them out one at a time to make a wacky story. After catching a traitor who tried to murder all the citizens of Hyrule, the king punishes him by making him clean everyone's floors. For attempted genocide.

Then, after a life-risking battle, a goofy-eyed, stupidly smiling Zelda(?) asks another woman, "I wonder what happened to Link?" To which she replies, "Oh, he was a bore, anyway." Then, out of nowhere, Zelda (I'm just going to assume that she's Zelda -- who cares at this point) grabs a mirror out of the second woman's hand, says, "Stop looking at yourself," and flings the mirror across the room ... still with that stupid smile on her face the whole time. The mirror then explodes in midair:


Good thing she threw it when she did. Otherwise, it would have gone off in that woman's hands.

Suddenly, Link is released from the broken mirror! And nobody acts even remotely surprised by this. He just turns around and waves as if that's the way he planned on entering the room. And they go along with it as if he just does this all the time.

He asks, "What happened?" And Zelda says, "Nothing, Link. We were just about to have a feast." And then the most maniacal, mind-twisting laughter erupts for no reason at all, leaving you questioning everything you ever believed about human creativity and our purpose on this plane of existence.


Gaze long into the maw of madness and breathe deep of its putrid breath.

And then that's it. It's over. And you're left sitting alone in front of your computer, wondering how long you've been weeping and if you'll ever truly be able to enjoy the presence of another human again. Because you know that a group of people had something horrible inside of them that made the ending to this game. And if that terrible wickedness existed in those people, then maybe it could exist inside someone you love and trust. And you just don't know if that's a risk you can afford to take. I ... I'm still not sure, myself.



John is a weekly columnist here on Cracked. You can also find him on Twitter and Facebook.

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