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Equality. We strive for it as a society and laud it in our culture, but is it a real, achievable goal, or just a load of cuddly smoke we blow up each other's asses like a camp counselor with a hookah who assures us it's totally normal and all the boys have done it? We want all people to be treated equally, but can that happen when, realistically, all people are not equal? This is, of course, rhetorical and not just because I probably wrote this two weeks before you read it and if you were to answer me I'm nowhere near you to hear your answer, unless I'm actually hiding in your closet. So feel free to answer out loud, maybe I'm there.

I get the general idea of equality, of course -- I'm not nearly four-fifths as dumb as I sound most times -- but if we're being nitpicky, the fact is there are certain areas of life in which men will inevitably be superior to women, and other areas where women are leaps and bounds ahead of men, and it's unlikely that there will ever be a leveling of these specific instances to achieve equality. They're just settled and done and one sex won. Let's look!

Peeing

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Hands down, men are the champions of urination on the planet Earth. In fact, male humans have destroyed not just female humans but all other living beings in the world when it comes to mastering urination. If ability to urinate was a Hollywood blockbuster, men's urination skill would be The Avengers and women's would be John Carter.

If you give a man two minutes, he can urinate safely, effectively, and in a satisfying manner. He can do this anywhere on Earth. In any situation. Lost in the woods? Not an issue. On a boat? Simple. Trapped in an alley? Couldn't be easier. Any situation that would rightly cause the average woman to fear exposure to tetanus, hobo residue, mosquitoes, bear traps, poison ivy, broken crack pipes, slippery ship decks, and 100 other concerns that could send someone squatting with their pants around their ankles panicking into the night are of no concern to a man who can whip it out and not just pee but write his damn name on a wall with it.

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Ain't no lady statue.

Ladies just don't have the pee chops that men do. Even the odd super woman who has mastered the skill of peeing while standing (and my hat's off to you, intrepid urethral adventurer) cannot match the artistic flair of a man and his magic wand. Did you know I once peed a fairly reasonable facsimile of Snoopy into a snow bank? No, but you can believe it, because I have a malleable hose that shoots a steady stream of liquid from my body and Snoopy's not that hard to draw. Women deserve equal pay, but I can pee dollar signs. Point for men.

Boobs

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Have you ever heard a woman compliment another woman's boobs? It happens more often than you'd think, and for that reason, men are genetic failures. Why? Because you've never, ever, ever heard anyone, no matter how fucked-up/drunk/medicated or bugfuck insane they are, compliment a dude's titties. Men with titties are more shunned than the Elephant Man. The only thing a man wants to have less than a supple rack is an honest-to-goodness vagina, transgendered folks notwithstanding.

Women's boobs are glorious, admired by men and women alike. Moreover, they seem to be awfully good at assisting in the procurement of drinks and getting out of traffic tickets. Why? Because they're nice! This isn't an issue of objectification or sexism, either. People who overthink tits make my balls itch, and they're missing the forest for the trees. There is nothing wrong with one human appreciating physical beauty in another human. We know that. We also know boobs are and have long been a focal point of that attraction, so why do we try to pretend otherwise? Why is it rude to look at cleavage when you see it? Why is it when boobs get to a certain size, everyone, including other women, automatically reduce the owner of said boobs to just her boobs? Why do some people insist on this bullshit theory that they're merely glands for providing nourishment to babies when we know damn well they're clearly an important part of attracting one person to another? Because we're like the victims of a zombie apocalypse inside a zombie movie -- for some reason it's like we're unaware of what they are and how to deal with them.

The fact is boobs are wonderful and there's no shame in that. There should be no shame in looking at them and no shame in having them no matter what size. Unless you're a dude, because no one likes your furry jugs. They just complement a woman's form so much better than they do a man's. Point for women.

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Cultural Bias Part 1

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It's good to be a man in the world today. And yesterday. And 100 years ago. Men, traditionally, run shit. And that's not the fault of men today, but it is something we benefit from, and to expect a man to somehow not fit into the patriarchal society is unfair. Does that mean men should be sexist pigs slapping their secretaries' asses? No, but it does mean you can't blame men for the advantages they're given in what in many ways is a subconscious working of our society.

Should men get paid more than women for doing the same job? No. But now if you had to choose between being a man who gets paid more or a woman who gets paid less for doing the same job, you wouldn't be faulted for, in the confines of just a thought experiment, saying you'd rather be the man. Because why not? You get paid more! Maybe people also perceive you as more authoritative. Maybe people think you're opinions are more valid, even if a woman has the exact same education and background. I'm not saying this doesn't suck for women -- it sucks hard -- but it makes an advantage for men that, for now at least, we can't ignore. Point: men.

Cultural Bias Part 2

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I want you to think long and hard about Kim Kardashian. Or Paris Hilton. Courtney Stodden. Tila Tequila. Why do you know any of their names? They're attractive (let's not debate that here; it would be a whole new article) and they're famous for something or other. But what? Now think of the last time you saw a drop-dead gorgeous girl at a bar. How many of her own drinks did she buy?

Society is rife with flaws, and just as it favors a man over a woman in the business world, it tends to favor a pretty girl over a fugly dude in the casual, everyday world. There's no real reverse in our society for sugar daddies, there's no opposite of celebutante. Not really. Sure, a few guys probably get by as gigolos and some brain-damaged glue sniffer out there is really interested in the affairs of Rob Kardashian, but by and large women are far better at gaming men for shits and giggles than the other way around.

Now you may think that's a horribly narrow view of society, and it is, because I'm only taking a look at this narrow section. Hell, I think this narrow section probably gave rise to that creepy pick-up artist mentality: childish little tyrant boys who see girls getting whatever they want without having to "pay up" and getting pissy about it. It's not everyone, it's just that section, like the business section where men get paid more than women. And in this section, women hold the cards. And maybe they deserve to. Imagine how unfun clubbing would be if we really did have equality, and there was never any need to try to foolishly impress that super-hot chick, and the hot daughters of the rich and pseudo-famous could never become pop-culture icons, meaning the rest of us would never be able to make fun of them. Imagine all the comedy we'd lose in a world where none of us knew about Kardashians or gold diggers? Point: women.

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Physicality

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I kind of like the idea of a really strong woman manhandling me and putting me in my place. If April Hunter ever had a yearning to kick my ass, I'd roll with it. However, women of imposing physical stature are few and far between these days. Female bodybuilders are generally looked at as anomalies, while huge dudes with vascular necks and wee, precious little change-purse style scrotums are a dime a dozen.

Fact is, men are physically more imposing than women, on average. If 3.5 billion men and 3.5 billion women had an enormous tug of war, the men would win and the ladies would all fall boob-first into the mud pit. You can't deny this. It's biology. Science. Manliness.

There's a reason men are the go-to jar openers the world over, and no amount of gender sensitivity training can change that. Nor should it, really. It's all that penis and ball hormones running through us; we can open shit and lift shit and sometimes even hurl shit. Ladies can also do that but, like, 23 percent less effectively. Point: men.

Reproduction

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Men can lift all the cinder blocks in the world, but at the end of the day no penis has ever squirted forth another generation of human life, and thus women take this one. Those 3.5 billion men who won the tug of war? They all fell out of vaginas.

As far as the gender lottery goes, women have the upperhand in terms of their ability to end the entire species if they so choose. No matter what power a man wields, the power to stop an entire bloodline is one not to be trifled with. If women got together and decided, "Eh, good run, humanity, let's see how beavers handle the earth from now on," and just stopped reproducing, there's not a lot men could do with their well-opened jars, names peed into snow banks, and higher paychecks. And sure, you could argue that men could just as easily stop reproducing, but to that I guffaw. If a man and a woman had to wait each other out in a sex contest, you damn well know who's winning. Women hold the cards in this little game of Go Fish. Not that this would realistically ever happen, but you get the idea. Women control the entire fate of humanity; men control urinary penmanship. Point: women.

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Final Score

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Oh, did I somehow make this even so that neither men nor women have an advantage at the end? What are the odds? If I were being honest, I would say that society does seem to favor men over women in a lot of ways. At least, that's what I perceive. Is it fair or right? No, but that's what it looks like. That said, this kind of shit is very much in flux. There are a lot of men in the world who aren't assholes and don't treat women like shit. There are a lot of women who aren't vacuous airheads and have more value to them than a pair of delectable boobs and a fine heiney. We all know this, but old stereotypes and simplistic, one-dimensional understandings of the world at large die hard. Ladies in sitcoms will always get together and enjoy a mimosa while sharing stories of how men are pigs, and rappers will record albums about all the hoes they pick up with their money. The rest of us kind of shrug and let it happen because it's someone else doing it and we don't think that way, so we're OK.

So who wins the battle of the sexes? No one? Everyone? Doesn't matter, why the heck are we having a battle anyway? We should totally make some BBQ and get in the hot tub.

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