Equality. We strive for it as a society and laud it in our culture, but is it a real, achievable goal, or just a load of cuddly smoke we blow up each other's asses like a camp counselor with a hookah who assures us it's totally normal and all the boys have done it? We want all people to be treated equally, but can that happen when, realistically, all people are not equal? This is, of course, rhetorical and not just because I probably wrote this two weeks before you read it and if you were to answer me I'm nowhere near you to hear your answer, unless I'm actually hiding in your closet. So feel free to answer out loud, maybe I'm there.
I get the general idea of equality, of course -- I'm not nearly four-fifths as dumb as I sound most times -- but if we're being nitpicky, the fact is there are certain areas of life in which men will inevitably be superior to women, and other areas where women are leaps and bounds ahead of men, and it's unlikely that there will ever be a leveling of these specific instances to achieve equality. They're just settled and done and one sex won. Let's look!
Hands down, men are the champions of urination on the planet Earth. In fact, male humans have destroyed not just female humans but all other living beings in the world when it comes to mastering urination. If ability to urinate was a Hollywood blockbuster, men's urination skill would be The Avengers and women's would be John Carter.
If you give a man two minutes, he can urinate safely, effectively, and in a satisfying manner. He can do this anywhere on Earth. In any situation. Lost in the woods? Not an issue. On a boat? Simple. Trapped in an alley? Couldn't be easier. Any situation that would rightly cause the average woman to fear exposure to tetanus, hobo residue, mosquitoes, bear traps, poison ivy, broken crack pipes, slippery ship decks, and 100 other concerns that could send someone squatting with their pants around their ankles panicking into the night are of no concern to a man who can whip it out and not just pee but write his damn name on a wall with it.
Ain't no lady statue.
Ladies just don't have the pee chops that men do. Even the odd super woman who has mastered the skill of peeing while standing (and my hat's off to you, intrepid urethral adventurer) cannot match the artistic flair of a man and his magic wand. Did you know I once peed a fairly reasonable facsimile of Snoopy into a snow bank? No, but you can believe it, because I have a malleable hose that shoots a steady stream of liquid from my body and Snoopy's not that hard to draw. Women deserve equal pay, but I can pee dollar signs. Point for men.
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Have you ever heard a woman compliment another woman's boobs? It happens more often than you'd think, and for that reason, men are genetic failures. Why? Because you've never, ever, ever heard anyone, no matter how fucked-up/drunk/medicated or bugfuck insane they are, compliment a dude's titties. Men with titties are more shunned than the Elephant Man. The only thing a man wants to have less than a supple rack is an honest-to-goodness vagina, transgendered folks notwithstanding.
Women's boobs are glorious, admired by men and women alike. Moreover, they seem to be awfully good at assisting in the procurement of drinks and getting out of traffic tickets. Why? Because they're nice! This isn't an issue of objectification or sexism, either. People who overthink tits make my balls itch, and they're missing the forest for the trees. There is nothing wrong with one human appreciating physical beauty in another human. We know that. We also know boobs are and have long been a focal point of that attraction, so why do we try to pretend otherwise? Why is it rude to look at cleavage when you see it? Why is it when boobs get to a certain size, everyone, including other women, automatically reduce the owner of said boobs to just her boobs? Why do some people insist on this bullshit theory that they're merely glands for providing nourishment to babies when we know damn well they're clearly an important part of attracting one person to another? Because we're like the victims of a zombie apocalypse inside a zombie movie -- for some reason it's like we're unaware of what they are and how to deal with them.
The fact is boobs are wonderful and there's no shame in that. There should be no shame in looking at them and no shame in having them no matter what size. Unless you're a dude, because no one likes your furry jugs. They just complement a woman's form so much better than they do a man's. Point for women.
It's good to be a man in the world today. And yesterday. And 100 years ago. Men, traditionally, run shit. And that's not the fault of men today, but it is something we benefit from, and to expect a man to somehow not fit into the patriarchal society is unfair. Does that mean men should be sexist pigs slapping their secretaries' asses? No, but it does mean you can't blame men for the advantages they're given in what in many ways is a subconscious working of our society.
Should men get paid more than women for doing the same job? No. But now if you had to choose between being a man who gets paid more or a woman who gets paid less for doing the same job, you wouldn't be faulted for, in the confines of just a thought experiment, saying you'd rather be the man. Because why not? You get paid more! Maybe people also perceive you as more authoritative. Maybe people think you're opinions are more valid, even if a woman has the exact same education and background. I'm not saying this doesn't suck for women -- it sucks hard -- but it makes an advantage for men that, for now at least, we can't ignore. Point: men.
I want you to think long and hard about Kim Kardashian. Or Paris Hilton. Courtney Stodden. Tila Tequila. Why do you know any of their names? They're attractive (let's not debate that here; it would be a whole new article) and they're famous for something or other. But what? Now think of the last time you saw a drop-dead gorgeous girl at a bar. How many of her own drinks did she buy?
Society is rife with flaws, and just as it favors a man over a woman in the business world, it tends to favor a pretty girl over a fugly dude in the casual, everyday world. There's no real reverse in our society for sugar daddies, there's no opposite of celebutante. Not really. Sure, a few guys probably get by as gigolos and some brain-damaged glue sniffer out there is really interested in the affairs of Rob Kardashian, but by and large women are far better at gaming men for shits and giggles than the other way around.
Now you may think that's a horribly narrow view of society, and it is, because I'm only taking a look at this narrow section. Hell, I think this narrow section probably gave rise to that creepy pick-up artist mentality: childish little tyrant boys who see girls getting whatever they want without having to "pay up" and getting pissy about it. It's not everyone, it's just that section, like the business section where men get paid more than women. And in this section, women hold the cards. And maybe they deserve to. Imagine how unfun clubbing would be if we really did have equality, and there was never any need to try to foolishly impress that super-hot chick, and the hot daughters of the rich and pseudo-famous could never become pop-culture icons, meaning the rest of us would never be able to make fun of them. Imagine all the comedy we'd lose in a world where none of us knew about Kardashians or gold diggers? Point: women.