6 Things You Really Need to Know About Ben Affleck

Ben Affleck, whose career we’ve all enjoyed watching as it spiraled from the Good Will Hunting-ful highs to the Gigli-licious lows, scored a feature interview in tomorrow’s edition of Details magazine, in which he talks about life in the spotlight, assesses his status as a multi-talented Renaissance man, and basically begs for one last chance to annoy the crap out of us.

Fortunately for you, I’ve read the interview, so you don’t have to. Here’s everything you need to know about the State of the Ben, as cherry-picked from the pages you’ll now never have to see:

1. Ben is modest.

“I guess I just thought, I’ve seen it done enough,” he says of directing… “I’m a writer. An amateur photographer. An actor.”

2. Ben is desperate.

“I got a really nice e-mail from him saying how much he wanted me to do it,” says [Ed] Harris… “You could tell immediately how important the film was to him… I like people who have something at stake when they work.”… “It’s pretty simple,” [Affleck] says… “If people don’t go see it, I’m fucked.”

3. Ben’s dog has the shits.

Add to that the fact that his German shepherd, Hutch, got into a container of Metamucil this morning and sprayed diarrhea all over his Brentwood home—and you have one run-down 35-year-old man.

4. Did I mention he’s modest?

“Listen,” he rasps, shaking an empty oyster shell in the air for effect. “I’ve gone out and directed a movie and made it really fucking good.”

5. Ben has an awesome home life.

That other thing is [daughter] Violet, currently exhaling tiny snot bubbles a few miles away. And Garner, his wife. And a home, be it or be it not covered in dog shit.

And finally,

6. Ben can see into the future.

“I mean, a shitty movie comes out on 2,800 screens?” Affleck says. “I’ve been there and it’s embarrassing.”

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