6 Things You Can Stop Telling Cat Owners

#3. Cats Think You Suck

If cats can kill things, they'll bring them to you. Self-appointed foes of felinity are quick to explain that this isn't a gift -- probably because "I will murder for you without you even asking" is a sign of affection far beyond their ability to offer -- but a training exercise. They cat has noticed that you rarely eviscerate anything and thinks you suck. It's trying to teach, as if you're a rather slow kitten.

The Shrinking Cat Box Experiment
And you're way behind in "Wedging Yourself into Stupidly Small Spaces" class.

That's adorable! It doesn't think its people, it thinks we're cats, and it's trying to teach us how to cat better. We won at hunting so hard that we now stalk our prey through refrigerated aisles, but the cats we feed are trying to teach us Murder 101. How insecure do you have to be for a cat thinking it's better than you at hunting to piss you off? Unless you're Teddy Roosevelt, it probably is better at hunting than you. It's also better at licking its own ass, and it's not trying to teach you how to do that.

Note: If you let your cat outside and are wondering if it kills things, it absolutely kills lots of things. Yes, even Princess Unikitty. Fit them with a bell. It's flattering that even our pets are now an invasive species that pointlessly slaughters everything around them, even when their needs are already met, but it's no good for the local wildlife, or for friends and neighbors with non-feline pets.

#2. They Don't Love You

This is where people quote studies where cats were wired up with sensors and then, astonishingly, were not very happy. The studies are fine, but the problem is the overinterpretation of data. When they hear their owners, cats will often sit there, while dogs rush and bark and wag tails and jump like joy itself has returned to the world because those are all things dogs do. If we're applying cross-species standards, you should be hurt that your beloved doesn't plunge their nose into your asshole every time they see you.

Jupiterimages/Creatas/Getty Images
Even when you asked nicely on Valentine's Day.

Obviously cats don't love you if you're going by dog standards. Romeo and Juliet didn't care about each other if you're going by dog standards. A dog loves you more than any four mythological saviors you care to mention.

George Doyle & Ciaran Griffin/Stockbyte/G
In dog we trust. Other advantages: responding when you call, getting things when you ask for them, visibly existing.

If you need people to constantly confirm and advertise their love for you every single second to stabilize your feelings, well, I understand that. Hi! I'm a comedy writer! But it still says more about you than it does about the pet.

The perfect pet for a comedy writer: something kept alive by people who do real work and massively boosted by the Internet.

A common aside to this complaint is explaining how cats lick themselves to remove our human stink, as if that was some great offense. I don't know what kind of commune you live in, but even when I get my dearest love's stink all over me, I shower.

#1. They're Evil

You can't tell a cat owner that cats are evil, in the same way you can't tell mermaids that water is wet: They already know. They're constantly surrounded by evidence that contains far more urine than anybody is comfortable admitting.

khorzhevska/iStock/Getty Images
"I don't even know how we go and it still stings my eyes."

One of my cats is called Neutrino, but has also been known as "bastard," "Goering," and "It's four in the morning, you imminently two-dimensional son of an anti-bitch." I've threatened to hire a vet to reattach his balls for a day just so he knows what he's lost when I cut them off again.

He was not impressed.

But here's the thing: Bad guys are cooler. Would you rather hang out with Darth Vader or Luke Skywalker? Original movie only, of course. You've got the badass strutting villain, and you've got the desperately-eager-to-please good boy who does literally whatever anyone tells him. He follows his master away from his home and into the most dangerous location in that galaxy. Cats are totally Sith. They even have shitty little micro-organisms that can affect your willpower to make your serve them. Except that that's bullshit. Or rather catshit. A University of Oxford study of over half a million cat owners found that you're more likely to be infected by eating undercooked meat than by owning a cat. Which means manly Raresteak McShirtless is more likely to be enslaved by the cat parasite than Old Mrs. O'Cattery.

Agent Smith or Neo? Colonel Quaritch or whining Jake Sully? CM Punk or John Cena? Bad guys are always fun. This doesn't mean cats are better than dogs, because that's a meaningless comparison, but we know that cats are evil. That's why we like them.

Besides, our only hope is to keep the cats sweet. If Skynet ever thinks to wrap a fur coat around a metal endoskeleton, a purring bass speaker, and laser eyes, the human resistance is screwed.

Luke has a website, tumbles, and responds to every single tweet.

Attack the worst cat people with Avatar: 10 Reasons Everyone on Pandora Is Dead, or play Minecraft for real by designing a real Australian city on a server.

Continue your cat education with 6 Adorable Cat Behaviors With Shockingly Evil Explanations and 5 Reasons the War Between Dog and Cat People Needs to Stop.

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