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6 Things You Can Stop Telling Cat Owners

When Google connected a neural network to YouTube, they gave the machines every reason they'd ever need to exterminate us. But the system learned about cats instead of nuclear launch codes. It doesn't matter if Cyberdyne creates cold, calculating killing machines wrapped in warm flesh to infiltrate human society: Cats are the exact same thing, and they've already infiltrated the machines. The instant Skynet moves against felinekind, it'll find its fans full of fur faster than it can overheat.

Hemera Technologies/AbleStock.com/Getty Images
"Keep some humans around to feed me and I won't piss on you."

The Web-wide love of cats has driven some people to apply "Heh, I don't like that thing you like" to an entire species, explaining all the ways that cats are evil ... as if that made the person a good guy. When your victory condition is making people hate their own pets, the other Disney villains stop inviting you to Best Song in the Movie Karaoke Night.

I'm bipetsual: I love both cats and dogs, and I enjoyed the company of both while growing up. The current pet population is two cats, because when the beautiful Dr. X and I first moved in together, our place was a small second-floor apartment where we both worked long hours, and that wouldn't be fair to a dog. We have Neutrino, because he was a tiny chirp in a big box when we got him, and Striker, because we adopted him from another family who became allergic (you can give the cutest kitten in the world to an 8-year-old boy, but that's still an 8-year-old boy, and that cat is lucky he's not called Rambo McTankblaster).

My cats, my site
They're very excited to be on the site.

On behalf of all cat owners, here are six things we already know.

#6. They Pretend to Be Babies

People accuse cats of evil because their meow resembles the sound of crying human babies. That's meant to be a bad thing? That's salvation! If you're in a relationship and your partner is feeling broody, but you're not sure if you're ready? Throw a cat at them!

Marc Debnam/Digital Vision/Getty
Do not do this with a real baby.

It satisfies the same nurturing feelings, lets you practice amateur-level shared responsibility, and tests how you both react to being woken at 3 a.m. before it becomes a felony to dump the offender on another family. You can pick up a cat, love it, rub it, and cuddle it, and as soon as World of Tanks finishes loading, you can throw it into a corner and you'll both be fine.

Marc Debnam/Digital Vision/Getty
DO NOT do this with a real baby.

They are furry, grow their own clothes, even take care of their own asses after shitting. That's way better than babies. If they were marketed as pretend offspring, we'd have a new stage in every relationship instead of engagement rings.

#5. Rubbing Against You to Declare Ownership

The anti-cat brigade points out that when Professor Fluffykins the Furth rubs against your legs, it's not because he loves you -- he's marking you as his property. Apparently we're meant to react like they're annexing an ankle-based Sudetenland.

Photos.com/Photos.com/Getty Images
When your stock photo database doesn't have a hitlercat, you caption with Hitler.

If everyone declared possession like that, capitalism would have created the '60s hippie utopia, instead of being its mortal enemy.

Medioimages/Photodisc/Photodisc/Getty Images
"Oh yeah, this merger feels niiiice. Slashing the pants budget was a good move."

They're declaring we're theirs? Isn't that the exact phrasing of half of all our romantic songs? If there's a warm purring cat lying on your lap as you read and you can't enjoy it unless you know they really mean it, your problems are far beyond the abilities of pets. That's where GPS stops working around you because your insecurity has loosened local space-time.

#4. They Don't Do Useful Things, Like Dogs Do

Dogs are wonderful, hard-working, intelligent, obedient, double-wonderful, and triple-wonderful. Pure goodness exists in this world, but only in canine form. No one's in any doubt of that. No one should defend cats by attacking dogs, because if your master plan is "attacking dogs," I think Santa and unicorns start existing just to stab you and bury the body in the North Pole.

BananaStock/BananaStock/Getty Images
And dogs enjoy balls more than you enjoy anything, in several ways.

Dogs can be bred and trained for all kinds of useful applications, but even the most rabid anti-catter admits that cats got to stay because when we started agriculture, they turned up to eat rats. That is incredibly useful teamwork. Would people prefer if they killed animals they don't eat on command, like we trained dogs to? Because we're the assholes in this situation.

Graeme Robertson/Getty Images
As conscious humans, we're the only ones capable of being assholes in any situation. Sometimes
we dress up specially to maximize that ability.

If your house is rat-free, they get to lie around all day. That's what happens when you finish your work. That was the deal. And they still work: I've seen dozens of farms and dry goods stores where cats are combination pest control and ornament. It's perfect cross-species teamwork, a small-furry-slaughtering Sesame Street. Also: Never, ever tell them the way to Sesame Street.

So we've got trainable dogs and symbiotic cats. Both are great. If you think someone changing their fundamental nature so you can train and command them is unequivocally better than teamwork, you're the problem in that situation. Possibly every situation. Either that, or you're saying you can't love anything unless they do useful work for you, and you're still somehow calling something else the asshole.

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Luke McKinney

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