#3. Dave Mustaine
For those who don't know, Dave Mustaine was the original lead guitarist of Metallica and then the frontman of his own successful heavy metal band Megadeth. By all accounts, he is an incredibly lucky man. Why? Well, he's been affiliated with two of the most successful metal bands of all time despite being a lackluster talent. He should just be happy all the time. It would be like if U2 kicked out bassist Adam Clayton for sucking and Adam somehow went on to front a band that had some hits and successful tours.
But is Dave Mustaine happy? No. He's the whiniest of all little bitches. First, I was willing to give him some slack. Even if you think Metallica's a great band, it's pretty clear that James Hetfield and especially Lars Ulrich are absolutely insufferable douchebags, and it seems they fired Dave in a typically douchebaggy way (even if some believe that Kirk Hammett is a more technically proficient guitarist). But then I saw this:
Instead of saying "Hey, you said I was a no good drunk, and I made a successful career without you!" he's still crying. How can you live with yourself knowing you let a Danish fuckpuppet like Lars make you sad? Clearly, that's a man with a deep feeling of inadequacy. A giant hole to fill. First he filled it with booze, and now it seems he's filled it with Jesus. How much Jesus? He's officially endorsed Rick Santorum for president. Right now scientists and 14-year-old girls are working around the clock to invent a new emoticon for how sad that is.
#2. Ice Cream Cone Malfunction
Living in New York, you see sad stuff all the time. I've walked past homeless dudes who seem like they're legitimately starving. I've been confronted by distinct mental illness in the middle of Times Square. But these legit sufferings pale in comparison to a little kid losing his ice cream cone. It could be the top scoop that is licked off before it splats to the ground below. It can be the crushed cone that sends the ice cream goodness tumbling. It really doesn't matter how it happens. But a little kid losing his ice cream kills me more than a little kid not having ice cream.
I think most people must feel this way, because even at McDonald's, the epitome of edible capitalism, I've seen them replace ice cream cones for children. And that's really saying something. This makes me so sad that if you sent me back in time and showed me a little Lars Ulrich losing his ice cream, I would totally buy him a new one, right before I beat him severely and threatened to kill his puppy if he ever started a band.
To this very day, in time machine world, ice cream makes Lars very happy and then inexplicably afraid.
#1. The Old Guy in the Office Who Wants to Start a Band
I spent most of my teens and early 20s playing in bands. I've spent most of my adult life working in offices. You'll notice I put a period between those two sentences. That's because they have nothing to do with each other. Currently, I work with one of my best friends, and he is the greatest bass player with whom I've ever had the pleasure to jam. Know how many bands we've started? Zero. Zero bands. And that's because there is nothing sadder than being the old guy in the office who wants to start a band. The guy who daydreams about hitting it big and quitting could elicit tears from a newlywed on his wedding night who's just learned that his wife is loaded and into three-ways with her shapely Scandinavian friend.
"That's great news, honey, but still ... I'm cold. Soooo cold."
This guy's concept of a rock star doesn't even exist anymore. Rightly or wrongly, the Net has destroyed the business of selling records, and touring is more important than ever in becoming financially viable. Yet this guy thinks he can play his '80s Casio keyboard, grab the chick at reception as a singer, add the new guy on guitar, convince the black dude down the hall to play bass and boom, record an album that will make him an overnight millionaire. That's sadder than someone who wastes all his limited pay on lottery tickets ... probably because you can be a middle-aged, fat, bald guy and still win the lottery.
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