It's a cold and lonely world we live in. That holds even truer if you live somewhere that actually gets cold during the winter months, when ice, snow and freezing temperatures lead to a massive downturn in time spent in the company of others. Your friend's bullshit might fly when the sun is out and the skies are clear, but driving through life-threatening road conditions to deal with his tomfoolery is out of the question. It's probably best to just stay in and watch TV and counter his invitation to meet for dinner by inviting him to go fuck himself.
Finally, though, the cold weather is starting to subside and people are looking for any and every excuse they can come up with to wrangle up a group of friends and hit the great outdoors. With very few exceptions, the activities these friends will gather to partake in are unspeakably stupid and boring. But, hey, at least it's not snowing. Because we're all so beaten down by the winter months, come spring and summer, we'll pretend to enjoy just about anything as long as it gives us an excuse to not be holed up inside.
For example ...
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying parades are exclusively a warm weather activity. What I am saying, though, is fuck a parade. Maybe the St. Patrick's Day Parade is a good time, but I suspect that's only because people are too hammered to realize how terribly boring it is to watch grown men walk around in skirts while cops and firemen goosestep down Fifth Avenue.
But that's just one example. There are countless cities and towns throughout this great land that use the return of warm weather as an excuse to put on a "parade." I put that word in quotes because what this usually amounts to is watching pimply faced band geeks from the local high school drum and fife corps slaughter whatever 20-year-old pop tune their teacher had stuck in his or her head at the start of the semester. Or, even worse, you just get a bunch of conceited dicks mistakenly believing they're so important that people are lining the streets just to catch a glimpse of them waving from the backseat of a convertible. Rest assured, Captain Fantastic, nobody gives two shits about you or your spot on the board of the local Chamber of Commerce.
Nobody interesting works here.
If you were stuck in traffic behind someone driving 3 mph and waving at everyone on the sidewalk, you'd be on your smartphone Googling the legal ramifications of smashing a person's rear window out with a tire iron. But because your local city council hung up some banners and calls that exact same situation a "parade" you all of a sudden can't get enough? Now watching someone drive at the speed of snail and listening to shitty marching band music merits fighting your way through a crowd just to find a nice spot to stand on the dirty concrete and bake in the scorching hot sun?
No, you still hate it, but all of those months of cold weather have you so desperate for an excuse to be outside that you'll take whatever you can get. That in no way changes the fact that the last time a long line of cars moving slowly through the community was even remotely interesting was when Kennedy was assassinated. Now that was an interesting parade. Unless the parade you're at has a series of strategically placed Lee Harvey Oswalds taking shots at the participants, it's just a bunch of assholes driving slowly, and nobody loves that.
#5. Movies in the Park
People love the word "free." The promise of enjoying something free of charge that you normally have to pay for is a surefire way to get people to leave their homes. After years of searching, that is all I can come up with to explain the appeal of movies in the park.
If you don't know what I'm talking about, scan your local newspaper's "events" section. Without fail, you'll see that some local organization is hosting a series of movies in the park. They're exactly what they sound like. People gather in the park, sit on the dirty and inevitably wet ground and watch a 5-year-old movie on the lowest-definition screen that money can buy.
It should go without saying that any standard rules of movie-going behavior fly out the window when you're watching that movie in the great outdoors. If you talk in a movie theater, you're a pariah, but that dynamic is reversed when you're watching a free movie in the park. If you can even hear a movie above the chaotic din of a park full of people yammering about their pointless concerns, you're blessed with superhuman hearing and should be abducted by the government so they can study your DNA to see if it offers any hope for curing hearing loss in the future and/or can be weaponized to fight terrorism.
It's not like they have anything else to do.
The people talking will only be a minor irritant compared to the throngs of children that irresponsible parents will allow to run roughshod over every inch of the park, though. It's not enough that these children have destroyed their parents' dreams, but now they've been dispatched to ruin your night out as well, and they will stop at nothing to do it.
Look, I get that going to an actual theater is quite possibly the most fiscally irresponsible decision a person can make, but that's what Netflix and the Internet are for. If you're really that desperate to enjoy your cinematic adventures in the company of ants and mosquitoes, just buy a projector and point it at the side of your garage or something. That movies in the park shit is for the birds (who probably also hate it).
I know it seems like I'm coming out of left field with this one. WaveRunners are like baby speedboats -- what could possibly be the problem with that? I guess the answer to that would be "Nothing," provided you put absolutely no value on how enjoyable your weekends are. Granted, if you've never been on a WaveRunner, it probably looks like the best time a person could have until we finally get our jet packs. But shell out the absurd amount of money required to purchase one and then tell me how you feel about that investment.
Think about it for a second -- a WaveRunner is basically a boat stripped of the following things:
- Room for friends
- Room for booze
- The ability to tow shit
- Any hope of looking cool
Yep, I said it. Nobody looks cool on a WaveRunner. You might think you do, but what you really look like is a man in the midst of a midlife crisis. Even you, ladies. You do understand why Kenny Powers is constantly whipping around on a WaveRunner on the HBO series Eastbound & Down, right?
It's not because WaveRunners look awesome. It's because the only people who enjoy them are testosterone-riddled tools who think having a floating Rascal scooter between their legs and a pair of Oakleys around their face will help them score with the ladies. Everyone else sees WaveRunners for what they really are, which is completely and totally boring.
And don't give me any "Hey, man, you're wrong, there's room for friends on a WaveRunner" nonsense. If the other person has to put his arms around your waist while you ride, he isn't enjoying himself. It's called "riding bitch" for a reason.