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6 Super Friends Villains That Didn't Give a @#%*

#3. Colossus, A Giant of Giants

Like most people, I didn't pursue a lot of science after 9th grade stopped requiring it, but I'm pretty sure this episode was delivered to us from a universe with a completely different set of thermodynamic laws. It is biblically deranged. A giant rubs Earth in his beard and throws our planet into his purse... why would you even write something like that if you weren't trying to prove your grade school teachers were wolves? It's either a prank on the viewers or a prank on Hanna Barbera studios. All I'm saying is that if I was a Korean animator, drawing this nonsense is exactly how I would tell an American cartoon writer to fuck himself.

Here, let me sum up the episode in two panels:

It's good to know that after the Earth collides into cosmic facial hair, it will only take two professional super heroes and a computer several minutes to figure out what's going on. Apache Chief and Superman are looking right at a picture of Earth in a beard and they're still puzzling their way through it. "Superman. Earth's buildings are being demolished by pubic lice. There are trace amounts of soup in the atmosphere. My people do not grow hair of the facials, yet my Indian senses are warning me... this! May be a beard!"

If you know anything about Native Americans, it was pretty obvious how they were going to stop Colossus the second he showed up. Apache Chief uses every part of the buffalo, including the shrink ray:

#2. The Martian Convicts

Three martian convicts named Omo, Jabu, and Never Mentioned steal a Mars probe heading back to Earth and immediately begin kicking ass. And I mean that in the hardest possible way-- they don't simply attack monuments or declare themselves king-- they start eating an aircraft carrier, leave Superman and Green Lantern on the bottom of the ocean, and steal three F-18s.

Here's what I love most about them. As they climb into the complicated jets they couldn't have possibly seen before or known how to fly, they instinctively take a moment and give a silent pre-flight thumbs up to each other. Why would they do this? Why would someone draw it? Only two of them even have thumbs! Because fucking A, that's why.

I mentioned earlier that a cat being hit in the head with a paper airplane was the hardest shot anyone's taken in the history of the Super Friends. I wasn't kidding. Kids today are spoiled with punches to the face and flying kicks but in the '80s cartoon action heroes weren't allowed to commit any direct violence. So how did they fight? Well, the two most common forms of combat were mind rays and passionate embraces. This episode uses both, and it led to one truly unexplainable fight scene.

You know, a lot of what these guys are doing makes more sense once you realize they don't know what colors are and they can't count past zero.

No way is anyone on this planet beating anything as tough as the Martian Convicts. Superman realizes this and comes up with the fantastic plan of putting them somewhere else. He flies over to NASA and demands their best rocket. They don't have one, so he builds one in about five seconds. Wait, how lazy is Superman? He'd rather watch the Earth get eaten than throw termites into space for more than a minute, and he'd rather nag a guy for a free rocket in twice the time it would take to build his own? He is a genius, though. His plan was a success and the Martians left in their new rocket. Your problem now, space! The Super Friends win again!

#1. Rock and Roll Space Bandits

I don't know what I could explain about the Rock and Roll Space Bandits that isn't already made clear by their name. You already know you're not ready for them and they don't give any kind of a shit.

The episode starts with them arriving at Earth and ready to rock. They immediately ignore the effects of the Bat Photon Immobilizer, defeat the Super Friends by playing guitar at them, and use their music to take over the minds of every Earthling in an eight foot radius. Oh, and spoiler alert: they suck.

The Rock and Roll Space Bandits are already balls deep in your brain before you bring your skull backstage.

How do you think? The Wonder Twins turned into a giant lobster and an ice satellite dish, of course.

Actually, that didn't work. In order to explain what happened next I'll have to use the sentence I've been waiting my entire life to type: One of the Rock and Roll Space Bandits switched to keytar mode and rocked the mind of a construction worker into hitting the giant lobster with a crane. Batman switched on his Batjet's Bat Sound Absorber and it neutralized all of their hypnotic music. Strangely, it did not neutralize any of the conversation that took place afterwards, which means the Bat Sound Absorber only absorbs rock n' roll from outer space. Holy crap, let that sink in. Still, it saved the day and it's as close as any Bat Device has ever come to working as intended.

And now, I really hope you deserve this, reader... The Rock n' Roll Space Bandits:

Seanbaby is probably the world's leading Super Friends expert. For real, look: Seanbaby's Super Friends Page. You can also follow him on Twitter.

He really likes Hanna Barbera action cartoons: Proof That Your Parents' Cartoons Were Retarded: Herculoids & Twice-Translated Tales of the Super Friends.

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