6 Seemingly Simple Tasks Everybody Sucks At

#3. Writing Your Signature on the "Print Name" Line

Forms have two lines: 1) sign here and 2) print your name because no one can read your disgusting scribble of a signature. But how can we tell them apart? Are we gods? They're both long straight black lines. What fresh hell is this?

Of course, the print name line says "print name" under it and the signature line says "signature" under it, but still!

If filling out your name is so easy, why do they give you 200 points for it on the SATs?

Well, needless to say, I've botched this countless times, but at least it's easily rectified with the quick use of that half-circle double-sided arrow.

#2. Pulling the Right Amount of Tin Foil

This is another food-based one, which is weird because I think of myself as a pretty fine food-cooker person. I think that's called a chef? In any event, I'm a chicken parmesan master. Seriously, chickens come running just for the chance to be murdered, purchased, and ultimately baked by me.

Or maybe they're just fleeing the unholy conditions on most poultry farms, welcoming sweet death.

But even though I'm a master at the breading, frying, and baking, I still have a hard time pulling the appropriate amount of tin foil to cover the cookie tray where I'll be baking my cutlets. See, you want the right amount to just fold over the edges, thereby ensuring there's no grease on the tray and also no foil slippage when you're spatula-ing out your cutlets. But half the time I either overshoot or undershoot. This entry should probably end with a joke, and based on the preceding sentence, it should probably be some sort of crappy sex joke, but instead of doing that, I'm going to not do that. You're welcome.

#1. Saying "Thank You" Wrong

When someone says something nice to you, you say "Thank you." That's it. If you want to get crazy, however, sometimes you go for "You too." However, as all non-brain-dead people know, those two sentiments are not interchangeable.

Also apples are not oranges.

Sure, if someone says, "Have a nice weekend," you can go right ahead and say, "You too." You're both having weekends and you're reciprocating their nice wishes. But not everyone who's wishing you well is about to undergo the same experience as you. Accordingly, if someone says the following, just say "Thank you":

1. Enjoy your meal

2. Have a nice flight

3. Have a great time having your prostate massaged by Mistress Godwina

"You too" just won't work there 9 times out of 10 (unless the sex dungeon you frequent allows the hostess to engage in festivities). Keep it simple. Stick with "Thank you," and remember to tip the hostess at your sex dungeon.

Watch the new HATE BY NUMBERS, where Will.i.am of the Black Eyed Peas recruits Britney Spears to make even worse music. Also, be sure to follow Gladstone on Twitter and stay up-to-date on the latest regarding Notes from the Internet Apocalypse. And then there's his website and Tumblr, too.

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