6 Resolutions for Those With Realistic Expectations

Resolution 4: Pay Off Debt

Debt weighs heavily on people, especially after Christmas, what with all the expensive gifts we have to buy to maintain familial peace.

Why it sucks:

This is actually one of the easier resolutions on this list, as it requires little more than a plan and common sense, with no great leaps of self control. But it's so small scale -- the best case scenario is you getting back to square one. A cool, knife-licking resolution needs to be more ambitious.

A better resolution: Cause hyper-inflation

Inflation is the process by which a currency decreases in value. By causing an accelerated form of inflation, known as hyper-inflation, you'll lower the value of your debts and thus be able to pay them off easier. How? Massive scale counterfeiting. Leave trillions of dollars in piles scattered around the country to debase the currency. This will develop multiple skills, including your understanding of macroeconomics, your ability to forge and your ability to make daring escapes from the law.

Resolution 5: Learn Something New

You used to hate school, but thinking back on it now, you can't help but notice that all the people with jackets and cars with doors have taken at least some form of schooling. Maybe it's time to flesh out your resume? Or at least learn how to play a G-chord.

Why it sucks:

Because you're so dumb. Smart people don't resolve to learn something new -- they're always learning. You're not going to catch Stephen Hawking taking an online course on transmission repair -- he figured out how to repair transmissions by accident, during a conversation with a man who saw a bus once. If you're not the kind of person always absorbing new information, the likelihood of you getting anything useful out of a class is very slim.

A better resolution: Spend more time on Yahoo! Answers

If you ever want to feel smart, spending time on Yahoo! Answers is, aptly, the answer. This is a community composed entirely of people with terrifying head injuries trying to help 12-year-olds with their homework, and you could do very well here indeed.

Resolution 6: Volunteer

Wouldn't it be nice to give something back? After all you've taken? After all the crap you've dumped on the world? (Sometimes literally.) Even dogs throw a little dirt over it when they're done.

Why it sucks:

This is actually a pretty good resolution, because it only takes a couple hours to clean up a highway shoulder or feed an illiterate person, at which point you can sit back and feel good about yourself. But it's this ease, and the short-term band-aid nature of most volunteer work which makes this a weak resolution -- you've done something, but likely nothing of lasting importance.

A better resolution: Robin Hood

The reason we need volunteers to pour soup into homeless people is because of the systemic inequality inherent in the capitalist system. A basic redistribution of wealth can address this, which could be accomplished by years of steady legislative effort, or by knocking off an Armani Exchange and distributing tight pants to a homeless shelter. Either way will make a lasting difference in those men's lives, but only one will improve their ability to meet shallow women.

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Chris Bucholz

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