6 Reckless Acts Of Child Endangerment By Action Heroes

Every action hero has to have his sidekick. Holmes has Watson, the Lone Ranger has Tonto, and Liam Neeson has that voice that leaves his enemies soaked in fear piss. Those are all excellent choices when it comes to picking an action movie companion. You know what would make for a way less excellent choice? A kid. We know this to be true because it's happened time and again in action movies, and not once has it come off as anything other than an uncomfortable situation that would've prompted an immediate call to the authorities in the real world. For example ...

#6. Batman Is Basically A Child Murderer

Mike Coppola/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

Batman and Robin are the action hero pairing by which all others must be judged. They're also a social services nightmare waiting to happen. Let's talk about how Batman is a horrible guardian to his wards. This is a grown man putting children in costumes and using them to fight other grown men. If you don't see the folly in that, ask yourself one simple question: How many Robins have died?

Dick Grayson and Tim Drake made it to adulthood, at least. I can't say the same for Jason Todd, Stephanie Brown, or Damian Wayne, however. Yep, Batman's own flesh-and-blood kid got killed serving as Robin. That's the level of irresponsibility we're looking at here. Sure, those three came back eventually (comic books, what can you do?), but still, we're looking at three-fifths of Batman's Robins ending up dead.


"Hey kid, there's something I should probably tell you."

That's insane. One or two dead kids is acceptable under most state laws. Three means you get to skip the audition line and proceed directly to filming your episode of Forensic Files.

And at some point, shouldn't alter-ego Bruce Wayne have to deal with all of this? All these kids were his legal responsibility. How does he get away with having three of them murdered and not wind up in jail? Here's a theory: Batman is in cahoots with Gotham's Child Services Department. There's too many orphans in the city and having Batman recklessly get them killed or maimed is the cheapest way to deal with it.


Here, we see the Joker saving Gotham thousands of dollars.

Honestly, given how adept he is at fighting crime, it's a way more plausible explanation for all those dead Robins than shitty childcare skills.

#5. Newt Got Stuck With The Worst Possible Person In Aliens

Wikipedia

When Aliens picks up, it's over 50 years since the first film and Ripley's 11-year-old daughter has now died of old age (in her 60s, no less, so the computers in those movies aren't the only things that are weirdly outdated now). But lucky for her, she picks up a surrogate daughter in Newt. It's not so lucky for Newt, though.

When Ripley finds her, she's been successfully surviving, alone and unarmed, in Hadley's Hope for at least a month or so by living in the vents. Meanwhile, as soon as she links up with Ripley and her Colonial Marines, they manage to almost get her killed a half-dozen times in about 72 hours.

Aliens
"Please put me back. Seriously, I'll be fine."

First, there's the scene where Ripley drives an armored car, with Newt inside, at high speed into a nest of aliens to save Hicks, Hudson, and Vasquez.

Later, she shoves Newt out of the way, back into a room full of Xenomorphs, to climb into a vent first. Ostensibly it's so she can look for creatures, but come on, that kid had been vent-living for weeks. Surely she knows how to navigate away from them.

And all that's before she accidentally drops Newt down a sewer tunnel and lets her get kidnapped by one of the aliens. That, in and of itself, wouldn't be so bad since it was an accident, except that leads to Ripley's greatest sin against childkind.

While escaping from the alien queen, Ripley and Newt find an assload of eggs. Instead of quickly getting Newt the hell out of there, she stops to set fire to everything because ... well, no reason at all, really.

Aliens
"We're probably both going to die, but god, this is cathartic."

It's completely pointless. Thanks to the fusion reactor failing, the whole facility is literally about five minutes from going kaboom. And not a little kaboom -- a freaking huge nuclear explosion that would easily vaporize every living thing in the colony. So she foolishly risks Newt's life for some good old petty revenge and just barely makes it onto the rescue ship.

This also leads to the queen making her way onto said ship, which means that Ripley has to open the airlock in the same room as Newt. She'd have been sucked right out into space, too, if it weren't for Bishop, the half-android, grabbing onto her.

Of course, it's all moot anyway, since she dies in a shipwreck before the opening credits of the next movie. C'est la vie! That's French for "spoiler alert," I believe.

#4. Arnold Just Does Not Give A Fuck In Last Action Hero

Wikipedia

In Last Action Hero, a kid named Danny is sucked into his favorite movie series -- a schlocky action blockbuster saga named after its hero, Jack Slater (played by Arnold Schwarzenegger in both the movie's universe and in real life). Danny pairs up with Jack to solve a crime in his fictional world before the action shifts to the real world. In either world, however, Danny's lucky he didn't end up getting scraped off the sidewalk.

Now, in fairness, Slater's world is very different from ours. People don't feel as much pain, there are cartoon cats, and every woman is a supermodel. You can still die, however, and several people in the film do. Danny even realizes that he's not invulnerable, despite being a main character, when he plays chicken with a car while he's on a bicycle. Specifically, because he's the comic relief, and is thus disposable.

Last Action Hero
"PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO KILL ME!"
"And?"

Yet, all the same, Arnold lets him tag along while he engages in car chases, is blown up, and shoots just a whole lot of people. He even gives Danny a gun (which Danny does use), asks him to drive the car (Danny doesn't, but only because the car is destroyed), and tells him to operate a fucking crane. "Don't let kids operate heavy machinery" is one of those rules of child care that shouldn't even need to be written down anywhere. You should just know better.

Last Action Hero
The "no guns" thing too, I suppose.

And here's the thing: It doesn't stop when they get back to the real world, where things are way more dangerous. Slater is more than capable of taking care of Benedict (the dimension-hopping villain played by Tywin Lannister), yet he still convinces Danny's mom to let him come along. As a result, Danny gets thrown off a roof and nearly gutted by an axe-wielding psychopath. Keep in mind, this is the same psychopath who murdered Slater's own son after Slater threw the kid a knife (disguised as a grenade) and had him stab the axe murderer. Just really great parenting all around.

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M. Asher Cantrell

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