Many people have described writing online as being slowly lowered into a vat of acidic bile, without the benefit of being Batman first. And they're not wrong. But they write off their own motivations as a form of brain damage: An ignorance of the real world, an inability to count money and a desperate compulsion that would result in arrest if it involved showing their genitals instead of simply talking about them. But writing online is the best job in the world, especially since I found out that "cheerleader tester" isn't a real position.__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__
__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__I can (and frequently do) dream. Vigorously.
6Comments Are Great__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__
Getty__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__Comments are everywhere. Every article about writing online has to mention this god-awful background radiation, just like Fukushima real estate agents, with the same effect on people thinking of moving there. Given the choice between commenters and an actual zombie plague, many would choose the complete downfall of society into necrotic corpses, because at least then they'd be able to thump the brainless sacks of flesh. It's like Dawn of the Dead, but instead of your brain they want to rip up and shit out its products.__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__
__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__But here's the thing: Commenters really are like radiation, in that they can generate an uninterrupted stream of pure power. The mistake most people make is thinking that comments are direct current, so they only pump you up when they're positive. But they're alternating current: Commenters who say nice things boost your spirits, so you're happy you made them happy, while the ones who tell you you're a dickosauric fagger make you even happier to have pissed them off. Homophobia, racism, multiple exclamation marks, or a username which meant they sat down and thought, "AIDS is hilarious and I want to be associated with it by complete strangers" ... you're always left thinking, "If that asshole hates me, I must be doing something right!" __new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__
__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__The funniest are people making multiple spelling errors while complaining about your writing. It's like the Hindenburg's captain criticizing your fire safety.__new_line____new_line____new_line__
5Total Freedom (To Work Harder)__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__
Getty__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__For me, becoming a freelancer was like becoming Dr. Manhattan: It started by accident, I now do awesome things I couldn't do before and pants have become less and less necessary.__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__
__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__But the freedom of a freelancer isn't just to flop around the workplace. Although that is a huge part of it (ladies). If you work online, your friends say it must be brilliant to set your own hours, to which you reply, "Yes. All of them." But the point is that you are only paid to get the work done. If you don't realize how glorious that is, it's because you've never had a job. Every workplace I've ever seen or heard of is crippled by regulations, directives and a webbing of rules designed to prevent lawsuits, laziness and criminals. If you're very good, you might even get some work done in between. This morass of guidelines is aimed at people who can't be trusted to tie their own shoelaces, never mind do their own jobs. Think about it: Would it make a speck of difference if your work was completed from 1 a.m. to 9 a.m. instead of 9 a.m.to 5 p.m.?__new_line____new_line__When you work freelance, your pay is determined by how hard you work, how hard you work at selling that work and exactly nothing else. If arriving to work in SpongeBob underpants with a cigar ups your productivity, "H" and "R" are just two of the letters you'll use to earn money while smoking with your crotch in a pineapple under the sea. Working online means your commute is about five seconds, longer if you drop in for a coffee or a shot of whiskey on the way, and nobody cares which. Just get the work done and you get paid. Like every job ever was meant to be.__new_line____new_line__
__new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line____new_line__Likewise, my wife just stands and watches. Impressed.