As a Cracked columnist, I often receive messages asking for help getting started with writing. A lot of folks ask me “what kind of people write for Cracked? Is this really a good way to start my writing career? Aren’t all the Cracked writers just basement-dwelling freaks who watch too much SciFi Channel?”
Well, to them I answer thusly: First, screw you; you sound like a dick. Second, if William Shakespeare were alive today, he would write for one site and one site only: Cracked.com.
OK, he might occasionally put something up on McSweeny’s, but just the real pretentious stuff. There’s no question that our hallowed halls would be the preferred stomping grounds of The Great Bard, and here’s why.
Shakespeare’s plays and poems are full of commentaries on what was going on in England at the time. When the Puritans started publicly complaining about his plays featuring love between men and young boys (who played the female roles) and arousing the audience to “retreat to secret conclaves and there play the Sodomite, or worse,” Shakespeare responded by writing Measure for Measure, a play about a Puritanical Duke who tries to outlaw all sexual misconduct to stifle his own sick urges towards a nun. Kind of a “he who smelt it dealt it” response, but effective nonetheless.
And not unfounded, especially when you consider the words of a Puritan of the time decrying pedophiles while at the same time giving a perfect impression of one:
“These pretty upstart youths profane the Lord’s day by the lascivious writhing of their tender limbs and gorgeous decking of their apparel…”
Which, for the Elizabethan-challenged, roughly translates to:
“How dare these sexy children be so damned sexy, wiggling like that, it’s…it’s…I mean come on!”
Shakespeare also openly mocked celebrities of the day, and even included them as characters in his plays. For example, the Bishop of Westchester, featured in King Henry VI, Part I, is satirized for hypocritically making a fortune in prostitution while simultaneously seeking cures for his rampant and numerous venereal diseases.
Well, not only was that a real guy, he was also the guy who licensed Shakespeare’s theater, AKA Will’s boss. Meaning the play’s subtext basically reads “My boss has herpes. Ha! What a dick.”
So the next time you read a Dan O’Brien column about him taking a dump on Jack’s daughter, recognize it for what it is: an august and thoughtful homage to The Bard.
Further Reading:
Shakespeare’s Satire, by Oscar James Campbell
Shakespeare worked primarily in two playhouses: The Rose and The Globe. The Rose was literally a brothel with a theater attached, and both places were situated in a nasty part of London called Bankside, Southwark. Southwark was known for two things: being south of Wark, and whorehouses.
And we’re not talking about respectable whorehouses here, either; these were places with names like “Ye Olde Fuck Shack” and “Baldric’s Palace of XXX Arse Drilling,” where you could buy a quickie with a man, woman or child for less than the cost of the mercury treatment you’d use to try and rid yourself of the ensuing syphilis.
There was even a whorehouse called “The Cardinal’s Hat” (as in “what the head of a penis looks like”) a mere block away from the Globe, where theatergoers could unwind during intermission by discussing the racy double entendre in the Second Act with the object of their boning. Excepting of course when their mouths were full.
As for the “Bankside” part of the Globe’s address, it referred to the bank of the Thames River. In those days, the Thames did double duty as London’s water supply and main sewer line.
Yes, the first-ever performance of King Lear was held in a room surrounded by diseased people fucking and the miasmic stench of human shit.
Surrounded by the unregulated and unsanitized offal of humanity? Mere moments away from thousands of depraved sex acts? Hmm, what does that remind me of? Oh yeah, THE INTERNET.
Further Reading:
Elizabeth’s London, by Liza Picard
Although he freely altered plot specifics and character traits, nearly every single Shakespeare play is essentially a remake of a poem, book or play Will took a fancy to. Othello? Cinthio’s Hecatommithi. The Merchant of Venice? Giovanni Fiorentino’s Il Pecorone meets Richard Robinson’s Gesta Romanarum. Richard III? Basically just Richard II with a wacky ethnic sidekick. Hamlet? The Lion King.
Sometimes he didn’t even bother changing the title. Romeo and Juliet is based on an epic poem called “The Tragicall Historye of Romeus and Iuliet.” Shakespeare basically just cleaned up some typos and put it on stage.
Talk about ahead of his time; the guy was doing in 17th century England what Hollywood only caught on to in the last few decades. If Shakespeare had a movie coming out this summer, there’s a good chance it would either be Romeo and Juliet II: Love Harder, or Tron 2.0.
And as a writer whose entire output (somewhere in the hundreds of articles and posts at this point) lurks within the pages of Wikipedia, that hits a little close to home.
Take the Snopses, Wikipedias and IMDBs out of Cracked, and there wouldn’t be a whole hell of a lot left (except of course my videos. Mwahaha!).
But all of this isn’t to suggest that Shakespeare (and by extension, Cracked authors) wasn’t balla. The man was, if nothing else, balla as all hell. It’s just that specifics of plot weren’t his primary focus, and they often took a backseat to his astoundingly clever jokes, wordplay and explorations of theme and language. In other words, “it’s not what you’ve got, it’s how you use it”; a phrase many a Cracked writer has used on a skeptical lady friend, let me tell you.
Where I Stole This:
The Sources of Shakespeare’s Plays, by Kenneth Muir
Today, most college graduates have a vocabulary of between 3,000 and 4,000 words. Judging from his plays and poems, Shakespeare’s was around 29,000. Of course, historians still debate about whether he in fact wrote all the plays credited to him, so the total might be somewhat inflated. But really, does it make that much of a difference? Cut 29,000 in half, then cut that in half, and he’s still way out of your league. The man ate dictionaries and shit thesauri (a word he probably invented).
How’d he do it? Well, first off, he didn’t do much else; he was one of the most prolific authors of his era. And secondly, it’s hard to know more words than a guy who freely makes them up whenever he wants.
As I’ve mentioned before, ol’ Shakey coined so many household words and phrases, you basically can’t talk without ripping him off. In fact, he invented the phrase “household words,” so I think I owe him a farthing or something.
Wait a minute. Who else makes up words with abandon? What other orgasmtastic group of blogsmiths dares to so refunkify the English lizzanguage? Why, could it be—Ye Gods, look out! There’s a Chompapottamus headed straight for you!
Further Reading:
Shakespeare’s Words, by David and Ben Crystal
The one thing all Cracked authors must have in common is a deep and abiding love of a good dick joke. In fact, the only component of the hiring interview is an Editor calling you in the middle of the night and saying “floppy penises” when you pick up. If you giggle, you’ve got the job.
And there’s absolutely no question that Shakespeare loved the dick joke. Although they often fly over the heads of modern audiences, every single thing Shakespeare ever wrote is like 30 percent puns on the word “balls.” I’m serious. The guy wrote about dicks, vaginas, boning, butt sex, gays, lesbians, cunilingus, pubes and sperm so much I wouldn’t be surprised if the quill he wrote with had a pair of rubber novelty testicles hanging off it.
A single example will suffice. People who get off on the fact that the foundation of western literature was a pervy old man love to cite this part of Hamlet, and while it is particularly awesome in its skeeviness, it’s by no means an anomaly. It goes like this:
Hamlet: Lady, shall I lie in your lap?
Ophelia: No, my lord.
Hamlet: I mean my head upon your lap?
Ophelia: Ay, my lord.
Hamlet: Do you think I meant country matters?
Ophelia: I think nothing my lord.
Hamlet: That’s a fair thought to lie between maid’s legs.
Ophelia: What is, my lord?
Hamlet: No thing.
Ophelia: You are merry, my lord.
On first look, it seems like a simple and pretty boring misunderstanding about whether Ophelia will let Hamlet lay his head in her lap while they watch a play. But take into account the fact that in Elizabethan England, “nothing” was slang for vagina (because it’s shaped like an “O”), “thing” was slang for dick, “head” meant tip of the penis, “merry” meant sexually aroused and “country matters” was taken to mean “matters pertaining to the cunt,” and you get this much more interesting exchange:
Hamlet: Hey, can I stick my wangle in your pooter?
Ophelia: Seriously? Your mom’s like, right over there.
Hamlet: What if I just put the tip in?
Ophelia: Very well, my lord.
Hamlet: You get it? I’m talking about your cunt.
Ophelia: Yeah, I kind of picked up on that. I’m too am thinking about vaginas.
Hamlet: That’s a good thing to do between a lady’s legs. Fuck vaginas, I mean.
Ophelia: What is, my lord?
Hamlet: Vagina penis.
Ophelia: Correct me if I’m wrong, but you seem horny, my lord.
I don’t care how many black dinguses Lisa Lampanelli crams into her capacious vagina, she’s not getting any filthier than that. Add to all this the fact that, in his time, William Shakespeare’s name can be taken to mean “Penis Masturbation” and you’ve got yourself the reigning champion of genital references.
Further Reading:
Filthy Shakespeare, by Pauline Kiernan
Shakespeare wasn’t always treated with the respect, reverence and enthusiasm high school English students lavish on him today (yes, I live in a fantasy world). In his time, a large segment of England’s population considered theater in general to be repugnant, and a “gateway drug” to all manner of other vices, from atypical sexuality to questioning the leaders who condemn you to live in shit and tax half your income.
Pamphlets were released calling for the destruction of the Globe, with titles like “Theatre Is Sin” and “Free Sex! Now That I’ve Got Your Attention, Theatre Is Sin.” Some even accused Shakespeare himself of fraternizing with the young boys who served as actors in the shows. These pamphlets are widely considered to be the world’s first “yur a fag” comment, something Cracked writers are intimately familiar with.
In fact, plays were so looked down upon as a form of literature that Shakespeare’s weren’t published in an official volume until long after his death. Until then, all you could get were pirated copies written down by fans during the show and sold in booths at the flea market. It was kind of like the BitTorrent of the 1600’s.
So, called gay, offensive and a waste of time by the general public, reproduced illegally, altered, censored and only recognized as unmitigated genius long after the fact. Sounds like Cracked to me.
Further Reading:
Coincidentally enough, today’s front page article. Wow, what a perfect cross-promotional tie-in! What are the odds?
This entry was posted on Sunday, April 5th, 2009 at 12:00 am and is filed under Cracked, Language, William Shakespeare, writers. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
How I Spent My Summer Vacation, By Michael Swaim (Age 24)
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November 19th, 2009 at 6:04 pm
“why ? you are made a ugly picture”
(few posts below me) made me laugh the most.
But I really wish I had read this when I was a theatre major in college so that I could have plagiarized the hell out of it.
November 13th, 2009 at 2:21 am
This had always been one of my favourite articles on cracked. I love your humour Swaim, you should definatly do more writting. Not to say, don’t stop the videos. Just pressure yourself more and take on a bigger work load for us….that’s all we ask.
November 7th, 2009 at 3:11 am
Really it’s very good article, First images is so beautiful and next is so ugly. Why ? You put on to sensor. Why ? you are made a ugly picture.
November 3rd, 2009 at 8:50 pm
Swaim, you had be laughing so hard throughout this. Take me now, you god.
And reading “floppy penis” made me giggle unncessarily loud. Can I write for Cracked now?
November 1st, 2009 at 11:08 pm
“matters pertaining to the cunt,”
Hahaha that took me by surprise. Oh I fucking love it when people sneakily drop the C-bomb (obviously figuratively… though literally would also be awesome to see.)
September 25th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
Wait… King Jacob was a Will-Head back in the day, that’s why The Bard got into that troupe!
SWAIM I’m starting to think whether you’re a figment of my repressed imagination: linking the Elizabethan Era with the Internet? *sniff* beautiful… *cue violin*
September 7th, 2009 at 9:58 am
Swaim? Marry me, you genius.
September 3rd, 2009 at 4:25 pm
Willy “Shake Spear”. ROFL
August 25th, 2009 at 8:18 pm
@ Melody
That was Swaim acronym win!!
August 10th, 2009 at 10:49 pm
Shakespere
Was
Awesome-ized
In the words of
Micheal
August 10th, 2009 at 10:45 pm
Oh my.
now i realize HOW i can love the Bard and CRACKED so much at the same time.
Because they both ROCKKKKKK.
August 3rd, 2009 at 12:31 pm
I actually was thinking about this just the other day.. pretty much the only difference is that he wrote in pentameter.
May 13th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
I disagree with the Hamlet translation.
I think it should have gone thusly;
Hamlet: Lady, shall I pork you?
Ophelia: No, my lord. Pork Mrs Hand and her five lovely daughters.
Hamlet: Well, what I meant to say was…can I eat out your cunt?
Ophelia: Yeah, whatever.
Hamlet: You did know I was talking about carnal pleasures right?
Ophelia: Not for me to presume, naturally…but of course you were.
Hamlet: Tis only natural to want to eat out a woman’s cunt.
Ophelia: What?
Hamlet: Nothing.
Ophelia: You are drunk.
May 1st, 2009 at 9:53 am
uh oh i spelt wrong, bring the insults, arseholes
May 1st, 2009 at 9:50 am
I bet my dick like it owes me money…
oh wait wrong site
April 24th, 2009 at 3:25 am
wow that was awesome…Swaim def. pawns that covetous Jew
April 20th, 2009 at 8:44 pm
Of course Swaim’s humor is more high brow, Mr. Tyson. Just look at that hat!
April 20th, 2009 at 3:35 pm
“Shakespeare responded by writing Measure for Measure, a play about a Puritanical Duke who tries to outlaw all sexual misconduct to stifle his own sick urges towards a nun.”
Dude, I love the argument, but you start off with a mistake. The Duke sets out to outlaw all sexual misconduct BEFORE he even knows about the nun. The only reason she comes to town is because the new laws condemn her brother, and she wants to defend him.
And yeah, I’m just that much of a Shakespeare nerd.
April 17th, 2009 at 9:44 am
haha awesome! im english and ive been to the glode theatre twice! …. got accused of shop-lifting in the gift shop, but hey, still a pretty gooood visit
I LOVE YOUR ARTICLES THE MOST!! pure-awesomeness
April 16th, 2009 at 7:34 pm
Michael: you need to be required reading in American high schools
April 14th, 2009 at 8:37 pm
<3 to this, because of you, @swaim
April 14th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
Cracked is at times in danger of attracting the wrong audience. I.e. the belly-laughing, chortling, heh-heh-heggggh type. Swaim’s humor is of a more high-brow variety, which is why some commenters bellow couldn’t ‘get a chuckle’ out of him. He links to the McSweeney’s website, which is an excellent site, one I wouldn’t recommend to those commenters (and I’m trying to ignore that the spell-checker bitches about that word) as they probably wouldn’t appreciate its own brand of humor. I’ll pay Swaim personally to chase this kind of readership away with his articles…
April 13th, 2009 at 9:08 pm
If he doesn’t fit your brand of humor I guess he shouldn’t be employed right? Because generally…We know “you” are the universal, objective decider of what is funny o’ great God of comedy. How dare he write something not to your taste and be paid for it.
April 13th, 2009 at 12:36 pm
I generally am a big fan of most Cracked articles; I find a lot of them extremely hilarious (e.g. Dave Wong, Robert Evans are a couple of excellent writers). But Michael Swaim has consistently shown to be the most unfunny writer on here. I’ve given him a chance by reading most of his articles and watching almost half of his videos. Very rarely do I get I mild chuckle out of his stuff. I think from this point on, I will have to avoid all his material. His videos are especially awkward and unimpressive. I am very surprised that this man is still employed…
April 13th, 2009 at 9:14 am
Several
Words
Accruing
Into
Mockery
April 8th, 2009 at 3:27 am
Hi, I’m just here to say that I read every Cracked article, ever and that I waste large amounts of my free time making sure everyone knows that I read every Cracked article ever by commenting on them just to say how much they suck.
I also live in my mom’s basement, have never seen a pussy that wasn’t made out of pixels and the closest thing I’ve ever had to friendship was the time where the neighbours kid didn’t make me eat dog poop.
Sincerely,
Kevinklaw
April 8th, 2009 at 12:37 am
Sound interesting…..I hope so…….Wanna wanna money, money, here is a good idea. I found a place where you can meet many celebrities and rich people. ^^^Agelesskiss.C O M^^^
April 7th, 2009 at 11:43 am
That Hamlet/Ophelia exchange has this later on:
Ophelia: You are keen, my lord, you are keen.
Hamlet: It would cost you a groaning to take off my edge.
“Keen” meaning “horny,” “groaning” meaning sex, “take off mine edge” meaning to, well, get off, and also a triple pun on “keen” as “sharp.”
April 7th, 2009 at 9:32 am
I get jokes.
April 7th, 2009 at 9:18 am
Wait, seriously?
Kevinklaw said, “@Michael Swaim.
Funny. You’ve never met the Cracked writers, either. How can you be sure their “entertainment” is in your best interests?”
Um, Kevinklaw, you are seriously out of your league here. If you do a little research (scroll to the top of the page), you’ll find that not only has this “Michael Swaim” commenter post a comment on this article, but he actually wrote the damn thing! Hello? He HAS met the Cracked writers, probably when he attended a staff meeting in the Cracked office.
Because he works there, see? Get that? Did I spell that out plainly enough?
Have a Swaim-ilicious day.
April 7th, 2009 at 8:55 am
The most grammatically correct pluralization of “penis” is in fact “penes.” It is so obscure, however, that Firefox considers it to be misspelled.
On a side note, the most grammatically correct pluralization of “vagina” is “vaginae” which makes me giggle every time I say it aloud.
POW!
April 7th, 2009 at 7:34 am
Swaim, you were an English major/English geek in college, weren’t you? You saucy cunt.
April 7th, 2009 at 7:01 am
Gasp, I think DoctorChaos and Kevinklaw are working together to flog you Swaim. Maybe they’re the same person…
Good article, none the less. I mean, you know, for a website that has such a horribly “low art” to “no art” ratio, it seems to be doing exceptionally well. Tehe.
April 7th, 2009 at 6:18 am
Holy crap! Shakespeare DOES write for cracked!
5 Ways ‘Common Sense’ Lies To You Everyday
by: Geoff Shakespeare
April 7th, 2009 at 6:01 am
HA! Swaim, your comments are as funny as your articles. I’d buy you rum if this was a bar!
April 7th, 2009 at 5:21 am
I couldn’t help but notice that when Disney wrote “the Lion King” by stealing Hamlet’s plot they decided to leave out the above extract…
Frankly the Lion King would have been at least 20% more enjoyable with that part of the script left in.
Except that they would have been lions…
April 7th, 2009 at 4:51 am
Lol SWAIM.
I am the plague upon thee.
April 7th, 2009 at 4:33 am
@Michael Swaim.
Funny. You’ve never met the Cracked writers, either. How can you be sure their “entertainment” is in your best interests?
April 7th, 2009 at 3:19 am
Since you are someone who claims to rely on Wikipedia instead of actually doing real research, I would have thought you’d be COMPETENT at it. Your 3-4000 word count for the vocabularies of college students is actually more accurate to fifth and sixth graders.
“A 1995 study estimated the vocabulary size of college-educated speakers at about 17,000 word families, and that of first-year college students (high-school educated) at about 12,000.”
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vocabulary#Native-_and_foreign-language_vocabulary
April 7th, 2009 at 12:42 am
@ casey - you know, it’s not strictly elitist to want to share views and information, sorry if that offends you at all.
Swaim, have you read Bill Bryon on Shakespeare? The last chapter basically rips apart every conspiracy theory ever, made me giggle after reading some of the comments that Shakepeare ain’t Shakespeare.
April 6th, 2009 at 11:50 pm
@ Kevinklaw,
lol, yes, God forbid a web community form and entertain one another without being loudly informed that they suck by people they’ll never meet. It’s literally laughable (and I mean literally, as in it makes me giggle) to try and imagine the thought process that leads someone to heckle jokes on a random blog on the Internet. Or, for that matter, to reply to them (hoisted by my own petard!).
Rest assured, no matter how fervently deny it, you are not, in fact, necessary to this process. But all your kind are welcome nonetheless, if only for the added entertainment value.
Except that bitch DoctorChaos. Man, if I could just get rid of that bugger I’d be set.
PS Hi, DoctorChaos <3
Also, @ gary smith: thanks! I didn’t know that. He’s like in my top three poets. Dude was raw.
April 6th, 2009 at 11:11 pm
What a sign outside John Donne’s home said.
John Dun
Ann Dun
Undone
April 6th, 2009 at 11:07 pm
yur a fag
April 6th, 2009 at 11:06 pm
I have an unbelievable respect for Shakespeare as a writer, I’ve performed in several of his plays, and it is my dream to capture the leading role in Hamlet. The fact that he writes entirely without stage direction sets my imagination aflame, and the desire to portray his works on stage burns quite as brightly. There isn’t an author I’ve ever read who I enjoy more than Billy-Shakes. (He would have liked that nickname, I’m sure.)
Incidentally he also features in a fantastic episode of Doctor Who. its worth checking out.
April 6th, 2009 at 10:25 pm
Playwrights in Shakespeare’s London were also friendly rivals, and collaborations were not uncommon (Shakespeare even did a few). Shakespeare’s best pal, Jonson, was a pompous university-educated playwright who considered Shakespeare an idiot and heckled his plays frequently.
April 6th, 2009 at 10:08 pm
@Kevinklaw
Wow, really stickin’ hard to this douchebag thing you’ve got goin’ on, eh?
April 6th, 2009 at 8:46 pm
“And there’s absolutely no question that Shakespeare loved the dick joke. Although they often fly over the heads of modern audiences, every single thing Shakespeare ever wrote is like 30 percent puns on the word “balls.” I’m serious. The guy wrote about dicks, vaginas, boning, butt sex, gays, lesbians, cunilingus, pubes and sperm so much I wouldn’t be surprised if the quill he wrote with had a pair of rubber novelty testicles hanging off it.”
OMG, I laughed SO hard.
April 6th, 2009 at 7:09 pm
Start getting excited EchoCharlie…Tron 2.0 is indeed a reality. Start googling. It’s coming out next year or something I think.
April 6th, 2009 at 7:08 pm
@ Lastly
I don’t consider myself a douche. I juist figure Cracked needs a differing opinion on the quality of their articles. This is quite necessary, because as soon as they start comparing themselves favorably to Shakespeare, you know something went horribly wrong.
April 6th, 2009 at 7:07 pm
Hold on, lemme copy this: “Hey, can I stick my wangle in your pooter?” That’ll make a great pick-up line!
Me: Hey, can I stick my wangle in your pooter?
Her: Get lost, weirdo.
Me: What’s wrong, you don’t like Shakespeare?
April 6th, 2009 at 6:56 pm
I should show this to my mates. Never again will I be ridiculed for loving Shakespeare!!!
April 6th, 2009 at 6:55 pm
Oh Swaim… This little piece of brilliance is what keeps me coming back for more. Bravo bravo, encore.
April 6th, 2009 at 6:53 pm
Wait a minute. Is Jack’s daughter up for that kind of thing? Is she hot? Does she have a glass coffee table?
Also, Tron 2.0! That’d be sweet!
April 6th, 2009 at 6:39 pm
U can judge this as art or others with different standards.
Just U can chat and date with wonderful girls or guys on this
site:****T allfinder.C om****
April 6th, 2009 at 6:32 pm
@ Kevinklaw
Kudos on looking like a douche!
April 6th, 2009 at 5:19 pm
Dude, I’m a high school student, and I’ve loved every Shakespeare play I’ve ever read! Thanks to this article, there’s no way I’m NOT majoring in English next year!
April 6th, 2009 at 5:15 pm
The idea that Shakespeare did not write all works attributed to him is actually not as “widely discussed” as many would like to believe. All Shakespeare scholars pretty much agree that he wrote all those plays. ( there are specific flora and fauna referred to in his plays-esp. Midsummer- that was prolific in and specific to Shakespeare’s hometown). Stephen Greenblat talks a bit about the issue in his many works on the bard. It’s mostly only internet noodleheads who heard the theory once and latch onto it like it’s the first conspiracy theory they’ve ever heard.
April 6th, 2009 at 4:50 pm
Also, Cracked has died twice so far, and is still considered “low art”.
In fact, it’s not considered art at all.
April 6th, 2009 at 4:36 pm
On the other hand, Shakespeare had talent, which every single cracked writer lacks.
Kudos for admitting your site has no original material, though.
April 6th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
Oh man, I laughed my head off over that whole Hamlet/Ophelia thing. That was freaking hysterical!
I think if Shakespeare didnt write for CRACKED, he would have at least bookmarked it.
April 6th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
Wait, hold on, Shakespeare criticized modern culture of his time, liked dick jokes, came from a very poor neighborhood. And got accused of stealing some material.
Oh, I get it. He was like the Carlos Mencia of the 1600’s. ;-p
April 6th, 2009 at 4:29 pm
Shakespeare is by all accounts a talentless hack, this article both states him as a plagiarist and a genius which are somewhat conflicting. See somewhat conflicting*
*somewhat conflicting: A nice way of saying that this article, like anything else that praises Shakespeare, is as shitty as Shakespeares original work.
April 6th, 2009 at 4:11 pm
If only they taught this in schools. Make Shakespeare fun.
April 6th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
Ah, so Hamlet was joking about Ophelia getting it on with another chick and she just didn’t get it until she noticed his boner.
April 6th, 2009 at 4:01 pm
Finally! A Lisa Lumpajelly joke. Thank you Mr. Swaim
April 6th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
@Emily, I don’t think Swaim was saying any of the stuff Shakespeare did was atypical, I think he was just stating that he did it.
April 6th, 2009 at 3:51 pm
I believe your delusions of being the spiritual successor to Shakespeare, Micheal.
Incidentally, when are you going to visit my country house like you promised? The hearth grows chill, and soon I shall have to shutter and lock it entirely…
P.
April 6th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
good stuff. I do love the Bard. But one tiny correction:
No thing was slang for vagina because it is “not a thing”, as in “the absence of a penis”. Men have things, women have no things.
I still love you Swaim, and fear not! 400 years from now, high school students will surely be studying your greats works and loving them, just like in your fantasy world.
April 6th, 2009 at 3:30 pm
and @elspeth, wtf. Was that seriously necessary? Yea, whatever I’m done with the comments section, it’s filled with elitists this time around.
April 6th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
@Emily… exactly what was your problem with the article then? You just confirmed everything in it. Also, I contest your saying that the dick jokes went unnoticed. Maybe they were noticed in a university class that studies Shakespeare, but they went very unnoticed in my high school class. I really liked this article Swaim, high five.
April 6th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
Measure for Measure wasn’t just about shakespeare flicking the v’s at the critics, but also the way that the puritans were trying to close down all the brothels in the centre of London because they sort of attracted the plague.
The inflation at the time made what happened in Germany in the 20’s look like a walk in the park, which is why Angelo (the guy who wants to bone the nun) is called so, because a proper gold coin was called an Angel, a forgery an Angelo (which sort of gives away that he’s not a nice bloke).
The new king was norking everything up with his jazzy ‘hey, here’s a thought, lets go to war and not have sex at all anymore’ philosophy whilst having lots and lots of gay sex (allegedly, though there’s no smoke without fire) and there’s loads in the play about why having a new leader is a really bad idea, even without the butt sex.
It’s also about why the church is kind of lame and women have it rough unless they own bothels - Mistress Overdone has nine husbands (something that made me laugh in a really, really geeky way because she’s ‘overworked’, or ‘overdone’, geddit?).
The Duke isn’t the puritanical one, he wants Vienna to be less prostitute infected but he’s too liberal, so Angelo comes in and straightens things out, only to have every single descion he made turned over by the Duke when he comes back from Poland (he was actually disguised as a friar, for reasons that not even Shakespeare could fathom) AND proposes to that Isabella the fit novice, saying ‘what’s mine is yours and what’s yours is mine’.
I love Measure for Measure, even though hardly anyone has heard of it and I spent most of my A2 lessons with someone saying ‘It’s BORING!’ over and over and over.
I love you Swaim, we should get married and quote Hamlet to each other whenever you feel merry.
If anyone wants to be actually turned on, I suggest John Donne - randy, randy man and he gets away with it because he’s all metaphysical and cool about it, comparing sex with fleas and exploring America and shouting at the dawn for waking him up.
April 6th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
That was flocking brilliant.
April 6th, 2009 at 3:06 pm
i bite my thumb at you sir!
April 6th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
I haven’t read it yet, but Swaim… I’ll stop making fun of your hair JUST because of this article. I love Shakespeare. I remember in high school I’d sit at the back giggling at the funny parts.. I was the only one laughing.. I was the only one who understood ye Olde English. Thank you for bringing his awesome-ness to the forefront
April 6th, 2009 at 2:20 pm
i want to have sex with you
April 6th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
I Love You SWAIM!
I’ll let thee stick thye head into my country matters anytimeth my lord!
April 6th, 2009 at 2:04 pm
nice work Swaim
April 6th, 2009 at 2:03 pm
I am sure when we are discussing Hamlet in English class tomorrow I will start giggling every few seconds, ever more enboldening my title of “That girl who’s just a complete nutcase”.
April 6th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
As a student of cracked, I found this article fucking hilarious!. Good work SWAIM. if you are looking for proper literary analysis, perhaps you are looking for a different site….emily
April 6th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
As a student of literature I have a number of problems with this article… It was not atypical for Shakespeare to have produced the number of plays he had (playwrights often collaborated, published plays anonymously and typically wrote a play in about a month), nor would it have been atypical for him not to publish. The concerns you mentioned about stealing plays are completely legitimate–during Shakespeare’s time there was nothing resembling copyright, and a published play would be subject to distribution and theft. You also have to factor in the cost of printing at this time (which would have been grossly expensive to the average worker), and few would want to purchase a book of Shakespeare’s works (preferring a quarto or folio pamphlet of a single play). Few playwrights at this time sought to publish their own works, aside from Ben Johnson, who was very concerned with his own immortality and ownership of his plays. Also, the location of his theatre is not fantastic; all theatres were pushed to the out-skirts of town because drama was not a morally acceptable activity. Notably though, Shakespeare did work for The King’s Men, essentially meaning he wrote for James I and Elizabeth I during their reigns–although the plays produced for them would be performed in private playhouses (i.e. in a noble’s home), importantly different from the lowly public theatre. Additionally, the use of dirty puns is not uncommon (nor would I assert goes unnoticed by an intelligent modern audience) for playwrights of the time. As mentioned, these plays would be typically performed for audiences of peasants, and Shakespeare’s tragedies feature comic puns to break the tension in the dramatic action–lighten the damn depressingmood. An infamous example would be the drunken porter in Macbeth, who interrupts the great tragedy with his drunken horniness.
April 6th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
[...] Also Jump to Comments Crass language, surprising thoughtfulness, and Shakespeare. ilu, cracked.com. [...]
April 6th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
Swaim has read Liza Picard? I think I’m in love!
April 6th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
The works of Shakespeare were not written by William Shakespeare, they were written by another man with the same name.
April 6th, 2009 at 11:59 am
ha, at least my lecture books has no cenzorships. in this one book (in serbian) we had words like cunt, pussy, fag, dick, shit (again, all in serbian) and even our teacher (female) gave us a task to take out some slangs, half of my class took out the dirty words and the teacher was like not surprised and that kinda confused me.
April 6th, 2009 at 11:56 am
And the seventh reason Shakespeare would’ve written for Cracked.com, Swaim has delusions of grandeur.
April 6th, 2009 at 11:38 am
The reason Shakespeare had to work in Southwark was because London proper had bylaws against filthy institutions like theatres. Southwark, however, was like the Jersey to London’s New York (or more accurately, the Hull to its Ottawa, Canadians). Though it was a stone’s throw away, the rules didn’t apply, and thusly, everyone went down to Southwark to be naughty.
@skrag2112: Though this isn’t the case so much anymore, and a few cool high school teachers will even point out a dirty joke or two, editions of Shakespeare plays destined for the classroom used to be quietly stripped of all the dick jokes. Clearly publishers had no respect for great literature.
April 6th, 2009 at 11:25 am
You see, now I have a little bit of a dilemma, because discussing Shakespeare definitely makes you seem more intelligent but there is no way I’m ever leaving out the thing about dick jokes and dick jokes are exactly what turns an intelligent, well-thought out discussion into an idiotic round-table.
Oh well, dick jokes it is.
April 6th, 2009 at 11:13 am
Classy article.
April 6th, 2009 at 11:10 am
I once watched a made-for-schools’-tv production of MacBeth.
MacBeth had a quadbike and a shotgun, the three witches had a tv monitor.
It was the greatest thing I’ve ever seen.
April 6th, 2009 at 10:49 am
Dr. Chaos, go fuck yourself.
April 6th, 2009 at 10:42 am
“Sweet. I wanna be in the English classes in 100 years where this shit is the curriculum.”
Seconded. Sadly, I think I actually would have learned more.
April 6th, 2009 at 10:26 am
Wow! So in school my teachers would tell us not to use bad words or tell off color jokes in class, then they’d turn right around and read us the filthy writings of a dirty minded English lecher. I love hypocrisy.
April 6th, 2009 at 10:12 am
And I’ll bet your parents told you an English degree would never get you anywhere, right Swaim?
Shows them.
April 6th, 2009 at 10:11 am
Funny article SWAIM! Very good arguments, too. I like this more “scientific” approach.
April 6th, 2009 at 10:11 am
If you want really dirty Shakespeare read the sonnets. Venereal diseases, three-ways, sodomy - it’s all there!
The man was basically a bamf.
April 6th, 2009 at 10:05 am
@Panzer-Stier Ross
Don’t forget the transvestite.
April 6th, 2009 at 10:05 am
One of the best performances of Shakespeare I’ve seen (out of about…. 10? Royal Shakespeare, Two Men and a Costume Basket, Brannagh, BBC, Fellini, Luhrmann, that Ethan Hawk one, and a couple others) was a free performance of Midsummer in St. Stephens Green in Dublin (home of the boob statue). Oberon was played as The Dude with magic powers… and Puck was in Spanish, for no apparent reason. Also, spanking scenes. Think its boring? Watch that, or Brannagh be emo in a suprisingly unannoying way, or Bill Murray be hilarious as Polonius…
April 6th, 2009 at 9:59 am
So
We’re
All
Intaking
Masterpieces?
Sweet. I wanna be in the English classes in 100 years where this shit is the curriculum.
April 6th, 2009 at 9:38 am
wow…had i known that shakespeare was so dirty i would’ve paid better attention in literature class in high school
April 6th, 2009 at 9:27 am
Shakespeare is entertaining when they keep the dialogue, but make the characters have guns and cadillacs and are Latino.
April 6th, 2009 at 9:24 am
I will agree that Shakespeare did wield a lot of creative sexual metaphors.
Doesn’t making jerking off to Ophelia any easier, though.
April 6th, 2009 at 9:23 am
I don’t care how many penis jokes are secretly hidden in Shakespeare plays, they’re still boring as hell. If Shakespeare was all that, he’d be able to make penis jokes AND keep me entertained. Which is what Cracked does, so really, you’re doing yourself a disservice here, Mr
Shakespeare
Was
An
Idiotic
Moron.
April 6th, 2009 at 9:22 am
Hahaha I love this article. Great Job!
April 6th, 2009 at 9:18 am
I lol’d. Thanks Swaim, you massive lit nerd.
April 6th, 2009 at 9:15 am
Great article. The things written here are so true. Except…Hamlet…a replay of…the Lion King. That was probably a joke. But if it is, it still doesn’t work.
April 6th, 2009 at 9:05 am
I’m with Gladstone. Your Shakespeare bits always make me smile for days afterward (you should really consider publishing a complete distillation of the bard’s works into their component dick jokes). Speaking of which, more odes and neologisms! The writhing, flottubliant masses command it!
April 6th, 2009 at 9:00 am
Hey Shakespeare, you’re a fag!
April 6th, 2009 at 8:25 am
LOL, no doubt that dude would write some crazy stuff!
RT
http://www.anon-tools.cz.tc
April 6th, 2009 at 8:22 am
Shakespeare? Oh, you must mean Sir Francis Bacon.
April 6th, 2009 at 8:19 am
All these reasons are completely valid but you’re missing at least two more.
Additional reason 1: bloodbaths in every direction. You guys may write articles about killing off interns; Shakespeare will cheerfully show you an old man being blinded on stage (”Out, vile jelly!”) or a tongueless, handless rape victim assisting her father in cooking her attackers and serving their flesh to their parents (Titus Andronicus XVIII: Titus vs. Freddy).
Additional reason 2: the money. He did it all for the sake of the money. You do have money, right?
April 6th, 2009 at 8:17 am
God, Swaim, you’re such a book geek.
April 6th, 2009 at 8:02 am
I must say, this is certainly an interesting look at a man that has become extraordinarily prolific in our time. Also, vagina penis.
April 6th, 2009 at 7:42 am
@jrockey
Actually I thought the same thing. I like to think that everyone else is wrong and we’re the only ones that are right.
April 6th, 2009 at 7:31 am
I need to read Shakespeare again, and put on the dirtiest mind i have.
April 6th, 2009 at 7:15 am
I’m happy to see “chompapottamus” used again. It’s entered my lexicon ever since I read it in the original article.
April 6th, 2009 at 7:11 am
Kudos for being in list form but still a suckworthy piece of trash SWAIMY. It was weak and dull, nothing sparked an interest or kept my attention for more than 2 lines and it just wasn’t at all funny.
Do I have to remind you that video is your forte.
No writey writey!
April 6th, 2009 at 6:58 am
Man, this has been a great day on Cracked.com. Thanks for the laughs guys. Especially this article, thank you Swaim.
April 6th, 2009 at 6:56 am
Very nice. Not many people can work Lisa Lampanelli into an article on the Bard.
April 6th, 2009 at 6:43 am
awww - don’t worry guys, we all recognise your genius and you’re not even dead yet! you’ll all be bards yet!
April 6th, 2009 at 6:40 am
great article
April 6th, 2009 at 6:29 am
Heh. Floppy penises.
April 6th, 2009 at 6:29 am
This must be a big moment for you frdgffdg am I right?
April 6th, 2009 at 6:27 am
I’ve always thought that The Lion King is more like Macbeth than Hamlet. Apparently I’m the only one.
April 6th, 2009 at 6:26 am
I like Michael Swaim. But i like him most when he’s writing about Shakespeare.
April 6th, 2009 at 6:26 am
Wow! He was awesome. Should have paid more attention in school.
April 6th, 2009 at 6:21 am
Check out “Looking for Sex in Shakespeare” - its a good book. Hilariously though, it seems to think that finding sex in A Midsummer Night’s Dream is impressive… Its all sex!
April 6th, 2009 at 6:13 am
FIRST AGAIN WOOOOO