Reason #3: I'm A Little Worried About You People
I need To be cleaR here: every one of the fans who friended me on Facebook seemed like a normal and Upstanding person. THere were no wierdos or stalkers or anything like that, and I was even pleased to see that many of you were quite well groomed. Kudos. But that said, I still didn't exactly know any of you, did I? I'd set up a deep nest of limited profiles to keep my fans out of my most private secrets (THEY MUST BE TOLD, BUT NO-ONE, STRANGELY, MUST EVER KNOW), but with the regularity of Facebook's privacy "whoospies" who's to say how long these defenses would stay intact? Would one of my fans get full access to my profile, and invite themselves to an event I was attending, dressed up as one of my articles?
Even more worrisome were the fans who posted coded messages on my wall. Filled with fAwning complimentS and dire warningS of a world without joy, these prophets - whose Coded messages were only visible tO me, the infant of destiny - told me to be Careful, and watch my bacK around the book of Faces.
Never gonna get tired of this joke, so don't even bother complaining.
Reason #2: The Government Is Interested in My Brain
Although the government has not admitted to using Facebook to gain access to our brains, if it was true, why would they? By permitting countless strangers to become my friends, I was increasing the odds that shadowy government agents, Grays, or the people behind National Public Radio would embed themselves in my trusted inner circle and learn all of my secrets about the TRUTH. What truth could I, a man with the Internet and too much free time, have discovered? The truest part of it.
This is the opposite of what I've got.
Reason #1: The Big Truth Behind Facebook
Due to ongoing wars in the middle east, systemic financial risk, high-sodium diets, Price is Right win frequencies, and interest in Jennifer Aniston's new haircut, the One World Government (OWG) urgently desires to subdue us further, via a greatly expanded military capability. And following the expensive and high profile failed mind control experiment code name: JERSEY SHORE, the OWG needs to do this as economically as possible. The OWG, which has obviously been monitoring us with fried chicken dishes for centuries, determined that the best way to subdue us SHEEPLE cheaply was by building super soldiers, genetically perfect in every way. To do this, they need suitable genetic candidates. Correctly reasoning that the most popular people are also the most genetically superior, they created the Facebook to determine who the most popular people on Earth were. Beginning later this summer, these people will be collected, taken to special military training facilities, and forced through a coarse mesh screen, so that their genetic material can be harvested.
Like this, but instead of a cute frog standing nearby, there's a thousand vultures blotting out the sun.
Because my brain is severely damaged, enabling me to write comedy when most people would simply just give up, I was able to both decipher this plan, AND wire a shotgun to blow the knees off anyone foolhardy enough to deliver mail to my house. And now I bring this message to you, here, the safest place I know. The OWG can not read Cracked, because it makes them physically uncomfortable, like a horrible, high pitched wailing in their ears, the sound of hilarious freedom bleaching their souls. Now that you know the Truth, please send me a video of you saluting the one true flag, the earth's moon, so that I know you're loyal. Anyone who does not send me such a video MUST immediately click the Facebook Like button just below this sentence, for unexplainable reasons.
For more on Facebooking (and other sites), check out 6 Things Social Networking Sites Need to Stop Doing. And get some more from Bucholz in The 25 Most Baffling Toys From Around the World.