The problem with all of the above solutions is that they've got no balls. To remedy this, I've come up with the following solutions for whipping more sense into a community of misanthropes, gleaned from my experience amusing misanthropes. These are all solutions that I intend to bring up during the next Cracked Quarterly Budget and Laffs Review meeting.
"And in conclusion..." -huge, leaping karate kick-
Reward particularly good comments with benefits. Gold stars, extra content, special privileges. At Cracked we should start offering the best commenter from each day the opportunity to visit the Cracked offices, meet everyone, and caress Soren's face a bit.
A simple automated system could be set up where for every bad comment, we will, in that commenters name, take money away from sick people. Maybe partner with the Gates Foundation to use conditional donations tied to comment performance. Enough bad comments and we can defund a hospital expansion.
"Unfortunately, thanks to the actions of Armpitsalsa23, we're going to have to close this wing, and will also need that kidney back."
(Another option, if ruining the weak is somehow unpalatable, is that for every bad comment we somehow stop a pet from getting spayed or neutered.)
This won't stop trolls, who'd love to see hospitals closed and cats fucking everywhere, so we'll need something a little more direct for these hard cases. Bans and post-deletions are moderating tools, not punishments, given how easily they're circumvented. And for a dedicated troll, they actually get a sense of accomplishment from being banned. Instead, we need something which is close to an actual punishment, something like a virtual spanking except something that won't give a boner to a huge percentage of its victims. Reverse mockery is one idea, where using cookies and IP tracking techniques we find the communities a troll lives in, and mock them there.
"Attention Citizens. Here are 6 Reasons Jonathan Morris, aka OprahDongFan, should be pelted with rocks. Reason #6: We hate him. Reason #5: His flesh is soft..."
Build Taller Walls
From what I've seen, half the appeal for people who read the comments section is getting to mock the people who post in the comments section. This is the same basic enjoyment we get when we go to the zoo and mock the polar bears. So my final idea is that by planting viruses in our comment posting software to lock commenters' browsers and prevent them from leaving the site, we'll create a massive prison/sanctuary for commenters, like an aviary full of stupid, shitty birds. This keeps the commenters trapped in the comments section, where they can't ruin anything else, and allows families to swing by the old Cracked Zoo, and laugh at the dopes trapped inside. I'm pretty sure this is what Youtube did, and we could do worse than emulate their success.