Cracked Columnists

6 Reasons 2013 Was the Year 'Revolution' Lost All Meaning

#3. The Tea Party's Millionish Man March

Back in May, this poll came out showing that 29 percent of Americans think an armed revolution might be necessary in the next few years. That number jumps to 44 percent when you narrow it to just Republicans. Sure, we're not in full-on guillotine or tea-dumping mode yet, but clearly a lot of people think America's just one or two Democrats away from straight-up fascism.

Bundesarchiv, Bild 146-1989-034-21 / Mensing / CC-BY-SA
Fascism, seen here recreating a beloved Monty Python sketch.

The Reclaim America Now coalition looked at those numbers, then looked at Occupy Wall Street and figured a non-violent revolution against Obama might really pick up steam. Noted crazy person Larry Klayman called for millions of patriots to assemble in front of the White House on November 19 and demand the president's resignation. Because, while Obama is TOTALLY a tyrant, he's apparently the sort of tyrant who'd bow to the demands of a bunch of unarmed dissidents.

Only about 200 people showed up, but they vowed to camp out in front of the White House until the job was done. And then they quit, because Rascal batteries don't last forever and the Capitol Lawn is notably bereft of Cracker Barrels. Yes, the right-wing bizarro world version of Occupy had less follow-through than a bunch of jobless hippies.

WND
"...and ends on November 20."

#2. The Marijuana Revolution

2013 has been a pretty great year for pot smoking worldwide. We've got a marijuana revolution brewing in England:

Vice
If British history is anything to go by, we're just one massacre away from weed winning its independence.

And Uruguay legalized pot earlier this year, marking the start of both a "global marijuana revolution" and the first time Americans have given one chain-smoking fuck about Uruguay.

Fusion
No. But I'll bet they're on the cusp of a tourism revolution.

Even weed-hating Forbes referred to the wave of legalization in Washington and Colorado as a revolution. But the people calling pot's few regional victories a "revolution" are forgetting that legalization in two states had no significant impact on total national arrest rates for marijuana. Texas must have decided to pick up the slack, or something.

Remember when Portland, Maine, legalized pot? That didn't change Maine's state laws, and cops can still arrest Porlandees for weed. The closest thing we had to a "marijuana revolution" this year isn't something smokers would welcome. Behold the Nasal Ranger, a device that can pick up the odor of weed at a distance, rendering even your naggest of champas useless.

Nasal Ranger
Just hang a dead skunk out in front of your house every day. Camouflage, bitches.

#1. The Miley Cyrus Revolution

2013's been either the best or the worst year on record for Miley's publicist. Which term you use depends on whether you consider that twerking thing a brilliantly successful attention grab or a terrible slide into madness. Either way, Miley Cyrus is a goddamn revolution. Read Forbes and she's a branding revolution.

Forbes
Forbes shows up a lot on this list. That's because they're fucking terrible.

Listen to Perez Hilton or Glamour and she's launched a style revolution.

Glamour Magazine
And yet I almost never see women out in public humping giant foam fingers.

What everyone's sure of is there's something revolutionary about this girl, because everyone's talking about her, and "revolution" is a word we've decided means "something we're all suddenly SUPER interested in." She obviously can't be just another famous person who's changed her image, because then we'd all be shallow dicks for obsessing over her.

MTV declared Miley herself a revolution, citing twerking as her Declaration of Independence. Because a teen pop star breaking bad is revolutionary, and not something nearly 100 percent of them do.

Bill Greenblatt / Hulton Archive / Getty
That whole "not wearing panties in the back of a limo" thing was, what, Britney's Bill of Rights?


Robert Evans is Cracked's head of Dick Joke Journalism. He also manages the article captions and heads up the workshop moderator team. If you'd like to tell him a story or give him lots of money, he can be reached here.

Related Reading: OK, so all these revolutions are dumb as hell. But here's a list of revolutions that created the modern world. If utterly failed revolutions are more your milieu, read about the disastrous NYU food court occupation. Close out your studies with a look at revolutionary war myths everyone believes.

Recommended For Your Pleasure

Robert Evans

  • Rss

More by Robert Evans:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here

598 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!