#3. A Man and His Briefcase
Have you ever been arrested? I have never been charged with anything, although once I was detained after a minor incident involving the excessive consumption of some fun time libations and the alleged hurdling of a fence into a neighbor's yard followed by some urination into the azaleas. As if that's an issue the police have time to address. Did you know we have counterfeit pants being sold on street corners? Priorities, people.
It's worth noting that, if you ever are arrested, there are some rules you want to follow to make the process go smoothly. Not the official rules, like your rights or any of that crap. I mean the unwritten rules of a run-in with law enforcement. For instance, a big unwritten rule of being arrested is to never tell the arresting officer how you're innocent and he can call his mom for your alibi since you spent all night poking her in the chops. Another solid rule is that, in the process of being charged with one crime, try not to admit to any crimes the police aren't aware of, and especially don't actually commit another crime while in custody.
Jeffrey John Pollock was not aware of the rules of being arrested when his ex called police to get him out of her house. Pollock tried to defend himself by saying he wasn't committing a crime, he lived in the house. The responding officer, as luck would have it, had responded to a call a few months earlier and had actually helped Pollock move. Oops.
Resigned to his fate, Pollock asked for a favor before he was taken to prison. He had brought a briefcase with him and wanted to make sure he had it when he left, as it was pretty important. It was full of cash, and lord knows you don't want to leave your briefcase of cash laying around. The police asked Pollock if they could look at his briefcase full of cash, and he said no. Then they asked again later, and he said yes. So they did. And it was full of cash. And the cannabis. Which netted him a possession charge, plus a charge of introduction of marijuana to a detention facility, which is actually a thing. Oops.
#2. Lion Girl
Ninety percent of all disastrous stories based in a zoo have one common element between them beyond the zoo itself -- a complete idiot. Idiots love zoos; they're like beacons sending out subsonic derp vibrations that only people who taste test chicken that's been on the counter all day can detect. They pack up their meds and some cargo shorts and head to the zoo and maybe eat a hotdog and then think, "I'm really in tune with nature. I'm going to climb this fence and try to ride that wolf." At the same time, that wolf is thinking, "Fuck, again?" Then the story plays out precisely in the way you'd expect.
In this particular case, 18-year-old Lauren Fagen loved lions. Go on, finish the story in your head, because you're almost guaranteed to get the majority of the details right. Raised on lead paint chips and thin oxygen, Lauren was at a wildlife rehab facility in South Africa (not quite a zoo, but the idea is the same) where she had told people she felt an affinity with big cats and really wanted to hug one. This is much like my affinity for fire and my desire to mouth love it that I overcame one Fourth of July in a moment that isn't worth relating to you here but taught me a valuable lesson about life and lip skin.
Fagen was attempting to kiss a male lion through a cage when the lion itself realized it needed to help cleanse the gene pool for the sake of future generations and did its best to maul her, resulting in some deep flesh wounds from fangs and claws across her legs and feet.
#1. The Last Horseman
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The headline of the news article I'm linking here is "Man Charged Again With Having Sex With Horse." It's a busy headline with a lot of powerful imagery. If headlines were vacuous, self-involved reality stars, this headline would easily be a Kardashian, possibly even a Trump. The source of its power, its radioactive spider bite, if you will, is the word "again." Rarely will an adverb be the most powerful word in a sentence, but here it is king. On the left you have Bill, a man who is charged with having sex with a horse. On your right is Bob, a man who is charged again with having sex with a horse. Bill, you might be interested in this, as Bob is constantly porking horses. He's like some kind of equine Wilt Chamberlain.
Never should the day arrive in your life when a news story about you focuses exclusively on your barnyard sexual proclivities and how you're at it again. It means you've gone astray in a most terrible way in life and now you're a hilarious repetitious punchline, like when Peter Griffin fights that damn chicken. Or, in this case, bends it over and makes sour, repulsive barnyard love to it.
In 2012, Cirilo Castillo was arrested for trying to make a woman out of a neighbor's horse. He was released from jail in April of 2013, and the owners of the horse put up a security camera because they were pretty confident Castillo would be coming back to horse around some more. The sheriff was quoted as saying the neighbors were getting "sick and tired" of Castillo and that he would continue to do it if no one stopped it. Those few tidbits indicate pretty clearly that, despite being arrested only once before, it was pretty obvious that Castillo was always humping this horse. Like a dog that shits on your lawn every day, this guy must have been chasing down Appaloosa poontang all the time to get to the point where neighbors would have to describe it as something they're sick and tired of. It happens once, you're appalled. Twice, you're disgusted. Fifteen times, it's like a guy who revs the engine of his crappy '87 Chevy in the driveway for no reason while blasting Journey songs.
So basically this story is about a man who continually humps one horse and everyone in the neighborhood, including the police, knows about it. And he was arrested again. And hopefully somewhere, right now, Bon Jovi is writing a song about this. A mournful, twangy hit.