The world is literally up to its nuts in dummies. We'll say up to the left nut. The right nut is bobbing on the surface of the unlucky peoples who populate the Earth. And somewhere just below the taint are the people who are both unlucky and stupid and who mix those two qualities together in a Molotov cocktail of derptarded chicanery that makes you feel bad for them for only as long as it takes you to point and laugh, because sympathy has boundaries. These are their stories (insert Law & Order *Doink-Doink* here).
#6. The Rasta Banana Man
Name something more fun than carnival games. Did you say sex? A good meal? Friendship? Well-fitting shorts? Pie? Stop, this is getting stupid. Aside from most things, there's nothing more fun than a carnival game. So it's no surprise that a man whose name is Henry Gribbohm (and not the sound he makes when he gets his own fist jammed in his esophagus while trying to eat Goldfish crackers) was so smitten with the games when the carnies rolled their gypsy fun-wagons into his town.
The game was called Tubs of Fun, and the play involved finding fun in some kind of tub. Henry, seeing that one of the prizes was an Xbox Kinect, knew he was about to play the carnies like a cat plays a fiddle, which is to say all fucky and wrong. He spent $2,600 trying to win that Xbox and came away with nothing but a 3-foot-long Rastafarian banana. Dumbasses the world over heaved a sigh of relief and knew if ever a day came when someone placed a call for King of the Idiots, they were not at the top of the list. And then, as one, they put on their helmets and ran headfirst into a bull's hindquarters.
Gribbohm was pretty confident that he had the game down before he started playing. Unfortunately, $300 into the game he hadn't won, and he suspected something must have been up. So he went home and retrieved his life savings, another $2,300, which he probably kept in a cigar box in the cat box. After losing that sum, he called the police to inform them the game was rigged. Police then had to confirm whether or not Gribbohm feels Tetris is rigged when he loses or if the toilet is rigged when he has diarrhea.
#5. Carjacking Pants Dropper
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I don't know about you, but every time I steal a car, I make sure I'm in jeggings and I've been drinking a lot of Mountain Dew to keep me spry and limber. That's because I have a passion for my craft. Elijah Freeman, however, got caught up in the glitz and glamour of auto theft and forgot the basic lessons of how to pull off a reasonable crime plus police chase.
After stealing a car at gunpoint, Freeman chose to race right onto someone's lawn, where he got out and made off like a bandit in the night, except this bandit was hobbled by stupidity. And pants.
Freeman's pants had started the evening somewhere below his waistline, as is the fashion among people who don't get why we wear pants. Running from the cops caused them to literally fall to his ankles. When he was arrested (within a few seconds, because catching a dude who's running with pants around his ankles is not hard), his pants had literally fallen completely off. It's entirely possible the proper use of a $5 belt could have seen this man riding off into the sunset to start a beautiful criminal legacy. Ahh, what might have been.
#4. Nigerian Love
Ever gotten one of those Nigerian scam emails? I remember being so stoked the first time I got one. I had read, only weeks earlier, Dean Cameron's Nigerian Spam Scam Scam and suddenly my inbox was presenting me with my very own opportunity to become a legend of Internet comedy. This was, of course, many years ago, before I became the legend of Internet comedy I am today and the one I briefly was in 2009 when I tried to restart WebVan.com as a home bourbon and Russian bride delivery service. Long story short, my efforts to scam the scammer with a hilariously crafted email response to their grab for money netted me a response that simply said "fuck you."
Unlike me, Marvin Ray Thomas was all over the Nigerian scam when his Nubian princess Jenni came a-calling and asking if he wouldn't mind setting up a simple yet effective money order scheme to defraud strangers and send the proceeds to her so that she could save up enough to come to America and marry him, her being what was likely an overweight African man named Nigel wearing khakis and a 1999 Atlanta Braves World Series Champs T-shirt. Thomas proceeded to mail fake money orders to people around the U.S. asking them to cash them on behalf of his totally legit business, send the bulk of the money back to him, and keep a little for their trouble. It was the kind of offer no one could resist, unless they had a measureable IQ. Sadly, lots of people fell for it to the tune of more than $20,000, which is a pretty impressive tune. It's not like Neil Sedaka, but easily Jon Secada. Google them, this article's not going anywhere.
The thing about asking people to cash fake money orders is that it's illegal. If there's no money behind that money order, then you're stealing. So police caught on to Thomas' scam and went to his house not once but twice to let him know that this manner of behavior was frowned upon and that Jenni probably had a penis that had no interest in putting a ring on. Despite this, Thomas couldn't see how a total stranger from Africa who was having him commit massive mail fraud could be deceiving him, so he kept doing it until police could facepalm no longer and had to indict him.