Everyone has heard about that guy who had the bacterial infection that ate away his face. He had to wear the plastic mask with the fake eyes, but you shouldn't let that scare you away from bacteria. We have hand sanitizers in every public bathroom and anti-bacterial soap to make us feel more secure at home. Hand gels, sanitary wipes, sprays, foams, lotions, and cleaning supplies that boast "kills 99.9% of germs and bacteria." But while there's nothing wrong with the desire to be clean, we're probably being a little too paranoid about our creepy-crawly little friends, because we tend to forget that ...
6We're Already Covered in the Stuff, and It Might Be Good for Us
"But I don't want bacteria living and crawling on my skin! I'm very important," you scream into the sky while angrily punching the air. Well, you might want to conserve your air-punching arm strength because there already are lots of bacteria on you at all times, and the majority of it hasn't even been classified. More importantly, we don't know what all the different types might be capable of -- what if bacteria is meant to be a part of us?
Well, that was answered by a group of MIT microbiologists who use bacteria to clean themselves. One of the dudes saw a horse go sniffing around in the dirt and then roll in a certain spot. While most of us would just giggle and nickname it "Stupid Flop-Horse," he wondered if maybe it had some primitive ability to smell bacteria that feeds on the ammonia that is in sweat. And he was right.
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Now to work on that shit smell.
He developed a culture called "AO+" and started misting himself with it ... and he hasn't showered in over 12 years. By just rinsing his body with water every couple of days and then misting himself, this culture of bacteria has protected him from smelling like a filthy troglodyte. It eats his sweat. His skin is softer. The natural oils return. Acne is no longer a concern. And bacteria was the wonder cure. Think of how much time you waste showering, going to the store, and buying soap and shampoo, when you could just go roll in some dirt and take it easy.
Hehehe. Stupid Flop-Horse.
5We're Already Disgusting Anyway
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You are disgusting. We can't always see it, but we know you're gross. You have to blow your nose, and feces comes out of your body. You're constantly going into a private room and pouring liquid out of your Funkytown region. If you're lucky, you then rub that region on someone else's for pleasure.
There are giant companies that got rich purely by developing the best stick-and-cotton combo just to dig all the gross stuff out of your ears. Zits show up on your face, and you massage their filthy insides out of your skin. Dead matter is constantly growing out of your fingers and toes, and you have to trim it off every couple of weeks. You might try to polish or paint it, but we know what it is. It's just more grossness growing on you, in you, and out of you.
See you in a few weeks, clippers, where I'm sure to spend an hour trying to find you again.
It's just endless: the dandruff on your head, the dirt under your toes, and the sweat stains on your shirt. You're not just filthy; you are filth. And even then, as gross as you are, you're still afraid of bacteria -- something we can't see nearly as well as the leftover Chipotle in your teeth. We can't escape it because ...