Cracked Columnists

6 Near Death Experiences Caught on Video

Rogue Wave

The term "rogue wave" either refers to a random monster wave that is dramatically larger than all others around it, or else to a pseudo-hippy band who've got a few catchy tunes but are totally ruined by their fans who only want to get high and talk to you about composting. This particular video refers to the former, as the latter is extremely unlikely to kill you (unless you're fatally allergic to good vibes). Nobody has yet pinned down why rogue waves happen, in part because they're extremely infrequent. It's rare to catch one on film, but it does happen. It's even rarer to catch one on film while impacting a ship, but that also happens. It is rarest of all to catch one on film while impacting a ship as the cameraman straddles the safety railing in the midst of a roiling storm, staring slack-jawed into the churning maw of the impact point. But thanks to what I'm assuming is a combination of mercury poisoning and debilitating brain damage, that apparently happens too.

The Exact Second They Knew They Were Fucked:

I don't think he ever did: "Man, that huge white mass of water that's been swelling and building for the last 30 seconds and is now finally descending on my ship with all the immovable fury of nature sure does look scary. Wonder if I should go inside? Let's weigh the pros and cons of that course of action first ..."

Tornado

Tornado chasers are everywhere lately, and it's not hard to see why: It makes for compelling, valuable video, and all it requires is that you have a truck, know how to work a camera, and don't truly appreciate the value of human life. Hell, save for the camera part, that's like 90 percent of the Southwest. But even tornado chasers usually have the good sense to stop a mile or so away to gawk and hoot at the horrible disaster unfolding in front of them.

Not this unfortunate fellow.

If you've watched the video, you're already well aware of the hilarious mental breakdown on display here. This man's mind obviously fled in terror the very second the terrain learned how to fly. But what else could he do? When faced with a situation like this, you're really only left with two options: Either you soil yourself, accept your fate and politely die, or you consciously decide to go a very specific type of insane, strip down to your briefs, grab a carpenter's hammer and stand right in the middle of that goddamn twister like a Texan Thor while screaming basic locative statements at the top of your lungs for as long as you still have them.

The Exact Second They Knew They Were Fucked:

"Howard, if perchance I do not survive these savage circumstances, do inform my loving wife that my last thoughts on this Earth were of her, and that one beauteous spring we spent in the Cotswolds, admiring the verdant leaves of I AM IN THE TORNADO I AM IN THE TORNADO I AM IN THE TORNADO I AM IN THE TORNADO."

Forest Fire

These fine gentlemen, looking like the cast of the Eastern European version of Sex Drive, have decided to motor right into a raging forest fire. Why on Earth would you do that? Why not just back up and take a different route? Because this is Russia, comrade. There's only one road to start with, and besides, it's going to take more than some pussy inferno to jam Russian traffic, yes?!

But even Russian bravado has its limits. About a minute in -- after they've wandered off the road into the heart of the blaze, gotten lost in the smoke and then boxed in by other cars that are inexplicably doing the exact same thing (yes, there is traffic inside the fire) -- there is a moment where they all go quiet, and you can see that they've accepted death into their hearts. Suddenly, there's a break! They're back on the road! They're moving out and away, with the sky around them growing lighter by the second, like they're driving that Lada Riva out of the mouth of hell and straight into heaven.

The Exact Second They Knew They Were Fucked:

"Really, Vasily? We are trapped in raging inferno, being cooked to death in cars, the world outside has turned to fire and ash, and the last thing I see is your pockmarked face? Really?! I will buy you some Proactiv in hell, Vasily."

You can buy Robert's book, Everything is Going to Kill Everybody: The Terrifyingly Real Ways the World Wants You Dead, or follow him on Twitter and Facebook or you can treasure every moment of your life with a newfound appreciation of its fragility. But that sounds hard. You should probably just buy the book!

Recommended For Your Pleasure

Robert Brockway

  • Rss

More by Robert Brockway:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here

319 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!