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6 Most Misleading Movie Titles Ever

#3. Samurai Cop

Guilty Pleasures

The Bait:

Finally, a cop that can't be accused of hiding behind his gun, because he prefers a giant fucking sword that can kill just as hard, but in a far cooler manner.

Guilty Pleasures

Also, just look at him. That is an asshole cop you will not talk back to, lest you wind up like that poor jaywalker whose head is now a trophy. "You doughnut-eating pig! I pay your salar-" *SLICE* and you're dead. Samurai Cop decapitates first, fills out paperwork later.

The Switch:

That monster cop on the box? You never see him. Instead, you get this creep:

Guilty Pleasures
Well, they're both white and insane. That's a start.

Somehow, completing a script that boils down to "psycho cop uses sword, then uses sword some more, roll credits" was too damn difficult, so instead we get a straight-up almost-action flick starring a gun-wielding, anthropomorphic Sylvester Stallone impression. They say he has samurai training, but fuck if he ever backs that up. Instead, he punches people (poorly), fires his gun (also poorly), and speaks so woodenly, I'm ashamed we share the same language.

He's that bad the whole movie. Nervous children who forget their lines in the middle of a school play sound more convincing than this lunk. And don't think I'm taking scenes out of context. He's this lunkish from start to end.

Guilty Pleasures
"You see that sky? Like, whaddaya think it is? It's so blue. I get headaches when I think this hard."

Near the end, "Samurai" "Cop" finally grabs a sword and battles the big Yakuza boss. And there we learn the real reason swords had been so nonexistent: Neither Stallone Impression nor his opponent knew how to use them. This is a problem, especially since they were using real fucking swords.

Guilty Pleasures
"And now to run it up and down my wrist to test for sharpness."

Since neither man was willing to murder the other for the sake of bad art, our climactic scene features two idiots deliberately swinging as slowly as possible, with the film clearly sped up later on.

Guilty Pleasures

Guilty Pleasures
"Ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod."

If this is the standard for samurai, then my ability to properly operate a bread knife must make me the leader of the fucking Shoguns.

#2. Pauly Shore Is Dead

20th Century Fox

The Bait:

Pauly Shore is dead.

The Switch:

Sadly, he's not.

#1. Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter

Odessa Filmworks

The Bait:

I found this movie in a video store a decade ago, bypassing classic movie after classic movie while falling for this one based solely on the title and box art. Jesus Christ fighting evil vampires alongside legendary luchadore El Santo? Sold!

The Switch:

I never got my money back for this shit, and I'm still pissed. This botch job is why people who have no clue what they're doing should not be allowed anywhere near awesomely clusterfucked premises.

While Jesus does fight vampires, He only keeps the classic Jesus look for a couple minutes. The rest of the time, we get this:

Odessa Filmworks
Jesus Christ: Vertical Horizon Frontman

Yep, that's Jesus -- no beard, buzzed head, tight T-shirt, designer jeans, and overall looking way more like a middle-aged emo dude than should be legal. It's like the filmmakers wanted to suck us in with the Jesus thing but not stick with it long enough to actively piss anybody off (except for me, apparently).

Odessa Filmworks
That and the beard probably got all itchy.

And it's not like He was in hiding. We first see Him conducting public baptisms in full Jesus garb. Everyone (including the vampires) knew about Him, even post-makeover. But all would be forgiven if the rest of the movie was Christboard Confessional and His Friends kicking ass after bloodsucking ass. Too bad we get anything but that. For one thing, El Santo doesn't even show up until halfway through, and even then it's just a masked fat guy who does airplane spins and gets sloshed on cheap booze.

Odessa Filmworks
Casting the corpse of the real El Santo would've been almost as believable.

In addition, the movie itself is relatively bloodless and harmless, focusing mostly on why the vampires can walk in the daylight (a mad scientist grafts sun-resistant skin onto catatonic women and revives them as vampires). The film also focuses on the vampires' lesbianism, but not in that way, you perverted little pigs.

Odessa Filmworks
She doesn't seem too thrilled about joining the undead. Is everything Twilight taught us a lie?

Eventually, the vampires are vanquished after a "hunt" only slightly more exciting than hide-and-seek in a prison cell, and I'm left to weep over what could have been. At the very least, they should've kept Jesus in his alternate new wardrobe:

Odessa Filmworks
If He wears this for the Second Coming, don't ask questions; just march your ass to hell.


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