#3. The Garbage Pail Kids Movie
Synopsis: High on gasoline and ether, some movie executive bought a pack of Garbage Pail Kids collector cards, probably shit his pants in an alley, and then had a lucid dream about the single worst idea anyone had for a movie since Howard the Duck, which was actually made the year before.
Awful, awful looking puppets come from space in a garbage can and are just horrible to look at and do horrible things while making horrible jokes. This movie sucks harder than pretty much anything else has ever sucked.
Selling Point for Kids: In theory, the Garbage Pail Kids themselves were a selling point, but they're fucking terrifying to look at. Not in an intentional way, they're just wrong. Poorly made, awful, wrong little shitty creatures with no redeemable features.
Hatred on Display: Man, where to begin? Here's a clip that introduces the Garbage Pail Kids in the movie. Please keep a pad of paper handy so you can jot down everything that is completely fucktarded on screen.
Did you make notes? About the flamboyantly gay bully? The unholy spawn of Kevin Bacon and Joe Piscopo in a jacket bully? The cleanest sewer on Earth? The fact that they apparently tried to murder that child with sewage?
Get past all of the bizarre and uncomfortable plot points and you're still left with the Garbage Pail Kids themselves. Imagine for a moment your blender. Imagine if the glass container of your blender could be removed, but the base, with the spinning blades, is intact. Now imagine those blades spinning away and someone maintaining eye contact with you as they begin doing naked squats over those blades. Squat after naked squat, each time getting a little lower, never breaking eye contact with you. And the horror builds and builds until the inevitable moment when that person squats their junk right down on that blender. That's what The Garbage Pail Kids Movie is like, a slow, terrible build up to something that has been terrible all along but just keeps getting worse.
#2. Super Mario Bros.
Synopsis: The world's most popular video game (at the time) becomes the world's most ill-advised film when the human from Roger Rabbit teams up with rat-like pseudo-comedian John Leguizamo to disregard 90 percent of the source material and make a movie about a dystopian shithole run by Dennis Hopper's terrible haircut and something to do with evolution and de-evolution.
Selling Point for Kids: Super Mario Bros. was awesome. Back when the NES was still the power system to own, before Sony or Microsoft even dreamed of having game consoles out there, Mario was the king. Now he's in every game Nintendo makes and not a soul on Earth gave a rat's ass about Super Mario Basket Weaving for Wii U, but back in the day the games were fun, so a movie featuring two plumbers saving princesses from turtles was as cool as, if not cooler than, a movie about martial artist turtles.
Hatred on Display: This movie is solely responsible for your awareness that movies based on video games suck donkey dick raw and rugged. They didn't have to. They could have been good. But this movie was so clearly written by a guy who probably played about 10 minutes of the game after a Percocet and champagne cocktail that it ruined the entire genre. If Mario Bros. could do it, every video game movie may as well do it. Who cares about the storylines in video games anyway, right? Aside from the people who are going to pay to see it, that is.
Remember Goombas from the game? They were little penis heads with feet that you jumped on. Now look at this clip:
Those giant dudes with tiny heads are Goombas. They're basically the exact opposite of what they looked like in the game. Plus they're apparently lizards, too. Because fuck you for questioning a movie that features Dennis Hopper with a prehensile tongue.
Synopsis: Everyone knows this story -- dude makes a puppet, puppet comes to life, wants to be a real boy, gets eaten by a whale, has a nose that grows when he lies, becomes a boy, the end. In this version, the little wooden boy is played by 50-year-old, balding, socially retarded Italian actor Roberto Benigni. Gonna be honest, I couldn't actually watch this whole movie, and I did watch all the other ones to write this article. This one, though, had to turn that shit off. I assume it follows the plot of the story you know, more or less.
Selling Point for Kids: I really have no idea. I know why Pinocchio from Disney appeals to kids, but I honestly think Roberto Benigni was literally insane when he sharted this thing out. Kids generally do not take a shine to middle-aged men dressed like sex abuse nightmares. If this movie was a meal, it'd be a burger with a series of pubes firmly embedded in the pickle at regular intervals so you absolutely know it wasn't a mistake.
Hatred on Display: This clip is not something I paid a group of sinister, society-hating nihilists to make for the express purpose of damaging your psyche, this is a real scene from this movie.
Roberto Benigni did everything you see in that scene on purpose. He wrote and directed this movie. It's not like he owed someone for placing bad bets down at the horse track. This was all his doing. Do you even want a child to see this? Do you want your progeny to have to grow and develop as humans with this embedded in their memories, threatening to creep out at any moment? Imagine coming home one day, years later, to find your kid dressed like Robert Benigni in this movie. Fuck that.