#6. Mac and Me
Synopsis: A family of aliens that resemble Khloe Kardashian after an unhealthy fast run afoul of a NASA probe. They get sucked in by $5 special effects and wind up on Earth, where the youngest escapes and ends up with a family of people who should be ashamed. One of them is in a wheelchair, as presumably his legs and spine gave out under the weight of bullshit he was saddled with in this terrible film.
The remainder of the plot is E.T. devoid of any wit or charm, which was skillfully replaced with something that makes you want to lunge face first at your own television so you can literally bite down on the awful and tear its soul out with your teeth.
Selling Point for Kids: What do kids these days like? Fuckin' McDonald's and Skittles. Oh, and maybe ugly little Progeria Muppets that look like ball sacks.
Hatred on Display: Product placement is standard in films these days, but few movies ever hit the shameless depths of pandering for cash that Mac and Me achieved. Even Castaway didn't suck FedEx's dick as much as this little Mongoloid alien full throats on Coca-Cola's generous shlong. No one made this movie for kids to enjoy, they made it to get money from the most uninspired corporate sponsorship ever. The fact that there isn't a scene when Coca-Cola and a Big Mac literally join forces to thwart the bad guys only means it was probably cut in post production to allow for more shots of Skittles.
There's a scene in this movie in which Ronald McDonald is part of a choreographed dance number inside a McDonald's. It's literally four minutes long.
If you watched that, you just lost a year off of your life.
#5. Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2
Synopsis: In a sequel to the first movie you never saw, four babies who can talk to each other and have all the worldly knowledge and skill of adults team up with a baby superhero to destroy Jon Voight's career.
Selling Point for Kids: Babies who can talk! Oh my God, it's so novel, why didn't anyone think of it sooner? I mean, anyone who wasn't involved in Look Who's Talking or Look Who's Talking Too. Anytime something talks that isn't supposed to talk, that's great! Ask a talking dildo.
Hatred on Display: I spent 15 minutes staring at the draft of this article in Word trying to think of a way to describe the scene I'm embedding. It features a cameo by Whoopi Goldberg and O-Town. Every time I started to make a joke, I got choked up, like when you see those terrible commercials with the Sarah McLachlan song and all the abused dogs. This scene is the most abused dog in this Sarah McLachlan song. It's so fucking ruined, it doesn't even know what's wrong. It wants to be loved for just a moment, and all you can do is wipe the tears from your eyes while you tell the vet it needs to be put down.
This is how you appeal to kids? I don't give a shit what year this movie was made in, if all you can scrounge up is a cameo by Whoopi Goldberg and O-Town, your movie is bullshit. Wrong, damaged bullshit.
Synopsis: A British cartoon series about a dog that looks like an extremely ugly child with mumps is made into a film about the same ugly dog. The dog releases an evil wizard from a merry-go-round and must stop him from preventing my brain from knowing how to finish this sentence because I can't give a shit on a genetic level about how the plot of this turd developed or was resolved.
Selling Point for Kids: What's not to love? The voice talents of Jon Stewart, Chevy Chase, and Whoopi Goldberg, plus fart jokes, a jack in the box, and a merry-go-round? Kids still love toys from 100 years ago, right? Yeah, probably.
If ancient toys and unnecessary fart jokes don't appeal to kids, take solace in the knowledge that the ugliest cartoon designs in recent memory pepper this film and the ensuing nightmares following its viewing. Why does everyone have the swollen face of a guy who watches movies in the back room of an adult theater? No one knows.
Hatred on Display: Inexplicably, this movie performed well in Europe. Well, actually it can be explained. Europe got the original cut. American children, who movie studios traditionally believe are one step up the evolutionary ladder from drunken orangutans, were believed to be unable to handle this movie in its original format, so it was redubbed by American actors and fart jokes that weren't funny were added in. See, because in America, all anyone understands is farting and the nuanced humor of Larry the Cable Guy. It's why Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone was renamed Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, because studios are convinced you're one retarded spasm away from flopping into a river and drowning because the mittens pinned to your coat caught on a log at all times.
I'm not embedding a clip of this shitty movie.