6 Insane Ways Dogs Can Inadvertently Screw Over Their Owners

They say dogs are man's best friend, but if your best friend ate poo and sometimes humped your leg, you'd consider getting a new friend, or maybe we just run in different circles. I have nothing against dogs; you could even say I'm a dog person. I like all dogs except the lame ones (looking at you, cocker spaniels). However, I'm not so blind as to not see what's going on out in the world. For a loyal companion, dogs sure do cause a lot of shit. Next time you're convinced your four-legged friend is the greatest thing since sliced bread, you remember these stories. Then take a good, long look at Fido, because maybe, just maybe, he's been trying to kill you for years and years. Maybe he already did kill you. Maybe you were a ghost for this whole article! Felix Shyamalan twist!

#6. Toxic Dog Gas

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So you have a dog, probably some low-to-the-ground thing like a Chihuahua or a wiener dog, and it seems pretty hilarious to you, so you let it stay in your home. Then one day it starts vomiting toxic clouds of supervillain-style knockout gas. Oh shit, you may utter, how did this-

You didn't finish your sentence because your dog's vomit knocked you unconscious and now there's just me here narrating the situation. Maybe I'll go through your drawers while you're out. Maybe you don't know if I mean drawers like a chest of drawers or drawers like underpants. Maybe you'll never know.

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All your drawers are damp! Felix out!

Back to the issue at hand. Turns out there's a kind of poison meant to fight off gophers and moles, something you'd expect to see in Caddyshack, that must smell at least a little beefy, since dogs seem to want to eat it. Problem is, it being poison, it's not good for dogs either. Ninety-nine times out of 100, this is a simple trip to the vet. Only this time, with this poison, the dog itself becomes toxic, like a living, crotch-slurping bioweapon. Between 2006 and 2011, four veterinary clinics fell victim to a toxic dog that came in, puked, and knocked everybody in the clinic on their ass.

The cause is zinc phosphide, a chemical used to kill little jerk rodents. When it gets in contact with stomach acid and water, it produces a brand new toxin: phosphine. Exposure to the gas as hurled up by the dogs can cause dizziness, nausea, respiratory distress, chest pain, and handmaiden's scrotum.

Everyone, including the dogs, ended up fine in all these cases, but it's worth noting that your dog, if it wants to, can biological weapon your ass to the ground just by eating crap it finds on the lawn.

#5. Dogalanche

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I hear that skiing is a very fun hobby if you're the type of person who enjoys both the cold and the out of doors, neither of which appeals to me in any way whatsoever. But if it did, maybe I would get my skis shined up and grab a stick of Juicy Fruit before heading out to Cameron Pass like Joe Philpott and Alex White. However, unlike those two, I would not bring my dog.

Early in 2013, the two friends had just finished a radical downhill slalom, or whatever it is ski people say when they go skiing. The problem was that the dog they brought was still at the top of the hill, and like any dog, he was unhappy to not be included in the fun. So he ran down the hill. Unfortunately, the hill came with him.

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Oh shit, cartoony hijinks!

The tricky thing about snow is that it's kind of a dick. It causes hypothermia, people throw balls of it at you and laugh when your retina detaches, and if it's covering a mountain, something as insignificant as a dog running down it can cause the entire pile of it to come rocketing at high speeds toward the ground.

The result of this avalanche was the death of Philpott and White being trapped for hours before rescuers found him. The dog was never seen again and is presumed to have died, but it's also possible it ran off to await the next hapless skiers who weren't expecting a friendly, loping, avalanche-inducing buddy to join them on their trip.

#4. Poppin' Caps in Asses

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Lots of people like to go hunting with dogs, a tradition that dates back to Nintendo's Duck Hunt. Man, that dog was a wicked doucher. He laughed at you. Who trains a dog to laugh at human failure? That's perverse. But the idea of a companion who will help you kill other animals without taking credit is both old and well-revered. Unfortunately, we have yet to learn that dogs are not always the best at this sort of thing, and not just because if you try to take out a bear with a Chihuahua at your side you will die a coward's death.

If you Google it, you'll find a harrowing number of cases of people actually being shot by dogs, which is amazing because a dog can't even get a license to own a firearm and it stands in direct defiance of the standard code of operation for a firearm, which is that guns don't kill people, people kill people. A dog with a gun should, at best, do nothing, or look adorable. Still, lots of people get shot by dogs, including one fellow in New Zealand who was not just shot by his dog, but shot in the ass. The ass! No place on the human body is more hilarious to get shot in, understanding that a shot in the testicles, a zone normally reserved for hilarity, would in this case be terrible and cringe-worthy. Never put a bullet at high velocity into your balls. For you ladies, I recommend you never put a bullet in your lady blossom. You know what I mean.

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Felix Clay

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