Over the last year or so, Cracked's done a pretty good job of scanning the world to bring you the most inexplicably bizarre photos that --despite all indications to the contrary-- have not been photoshopped or altered in any way. And though this article series has done pretty well for the site, I can't help but feel that simply raiding my old photos would have been a lot easier. Behold fair readers, the wild and wondrous world of Gladstone! Horrifying. Strange. And utterly real.
I know what you're thinking. So what? Gladstone took a picture of himself as a teenager playing in his High School's Battle of the Bands and photoshopped in a ridiculously long mullet. What's the big deal? Anyone can cut and paste a 1989 Billy Ray Cyrus hairdo onto an old picture.
Well look again, because that was my real hair. Apparently, I made a decision to keep cutting the top like Risky Business Tom Cruise while rocking the back like Lethal Weapon Mel Gibson. And why wouldn't I? That would make me like as hot as those two guys combined, right?
Screw Photoshop. You could do this with a little MS Paint. Whiten up those calves. Pencil in a sexy little stripe or three at the top, and voila, you have a 12-year-old American boy sporting knee socks like a Brit, except they're not knee socks - they're tube socks. And the rest of the outfit isn't exactly English schoolboy material either. In fact, no one has ever worn socks like that with cutoffs. Not even in 80s gay porn. And MS Paint was not used in this picture. So what gives?
Well, I remember this clearly. As a small boy I hated the sensation of socks around my ankles. I also didn't like shorts so much. Erego, I felt that if I pulled my socks to the knees that would take care of the icky ankle feeling while making it almost like wearing pants. I know. Why didn't you think of that? And know what makes this story even more incredible? Just one year from that photo I would gain the biological ability to father a child. Not so incredible? It would take far more than a year before I ever got the chance.
Is that Michael Swaim's head cut out of the photo? Who's to say? That might not even be a human being. DOB and I probably just put some exercise clothes on an oak tree and posed for a picture, right? Or maybe we're on our knees because what are the odds that two of Cracked's treasured columnists would both be dwarves?
I think I can see where you're going with this. Over a year ago, DOB started making the horrific mistake of standing next to Michael Swaim in videos. I, on the other hand, continue my Hate By Numbers video series (largely solo) from a seated position in order to convey, let's face it, the persona of an incredibly tall and sexy man. Well, truth is DOB and I are neither dwarves nor elves. On the height front we're doing better than let's say Al Pacino, Dustin Hoffman, and maybe Tom Cruise (statistics vary) but still fall far short of Little Mikey Swaim who measures in at just over six foot infinity.
Here I'm all ready for a high school Halloween dance dressed as none other than David Bowie's 1972 creation, Ziggy Stardust. But wait. What's been done to this photo? Clearly the ten Syosset High School cheerleaders who rushed to fellate me after seeing me in costume have been photoshopped out of the picture. How could I possibly put on a bathrobe and some Party City make-up to look like someone the Bruce Springsteen and Billy Joel lovers had never heard of, without being swarmed by sex???
Yeah, I can't explain it either, but this photo was not shopped. Although, later at the dance, one girl did say, "Oh, cool. A wizard." True story.
Sure, the initial reaction to this pic is clearly: "Damn, I bet that hottie was cleaning up with all the pre-pubescent tail at his elementary school graduation. Too bad his testicles have not yet descended." But upon closer inspection, your next thoughts probably turn to the incorrect assumption that this picture was composed by cutting out the leather-clad legs of some 80's pop star (Michael Jackson, Prince) and then pasting them over the suit pants that match the sports jacket I'm wearing. A logical assumption because clearly those those two items could never exist together in real life.
But you'd be wrong. This picture is totes legit. That fashion choice was actually made. I will say in my defense, however, that you really need to check out the tie. It's a skinny, gray, and leather, and it really pulls the whole ensemble together.
Yeah. You'll have to ask my mom about this one.